do you ever get the old you back

I am at that stage when I look in the mirror someone else is looking back at me ,never in my life have I been ill for so long, with rd and my fibro it looks like a long road ahead if I feel like this now what will I be like in years to come ,trying hard to find a positive ,but I feel iam on a slow moving hand cart to hell .canot even get the help I need thanks to atos well soon be a new year I can but hope

[Angela123]

Hi Junebee. Sorry that you are feeling low at present. When I look at holiday photos from 2 years back I think I've aged and don't have the same sparkle that I had back then before I had RA and polymyalgia. On a bad day I hardly recognise myself in the mirror, but how much would I have changed under normal circumstances? I don't know. You have had a horrible time over the last 19/20 months I know, and it's no wonder you're feeling low, especially at this time of year when you're expected to be cheery and enjoying all the festivities. Keep trying to find those positives. I know it's not easy. Is there anyone else who can help with the benefit situation such as the arthritis charities. NRAS has a helpline and there are others. I hope you get on OK and I'm sending my best wishes for the new year. Angela x

[Hidden]

Hello June - sorry you have hit such a low patch. As Angela rightly says this time of year can be extra hard for people living with chronic illness of any sort because all around us people are partying and rushing about buying things and we can't really keep up and end up feeling more isolated sometimes.

I look back at photos from four or five years ago and see a person who was four stone heavier and very troubled by sudden deaths of both parents in my case so I don't really want the old me back if I'm honest. What I would love is the ambitious me who spent her days working as an artist - applying for opportunities, thinking in terms of exhibitions not just having to take each day as it comes and spend rather a lot more time in bed sleeping or reclining or else doing yoga and forcing my body to exercise while mind is far too focused on things relating to health nowadays.

I'd also love to get the friend in myself back who phoned her pals and engaged in non health related chatter or who really listened to what they were telling me instead of letting mind wander about when I could go back to sleep, come on here, exercise or fit in some paltry amount of time being an artist. But I tell myself it will come again but in a different, possibly better and wiser form. The best thing would probably be to try and embrace the changes, warts, pain, fatigue and all and accept that the exterior may have changed but the real you, the best of you, is still there too. X

[Jeanabelle60 in reply to Hidden]

Great reply Toes......thanks. X

[sylvi]

I have changed beyond regonition. I have aged a lot and like you i feel so down this time of year. Big hugs for you darling.xxxx

[NeonkittyUK in reply to sylvi]

You will find some of your special sparkiness again I know, Sylvi and June. It is hard when there is so much to contend with. I feel emotionally battered after a year long of appointments and as I wrote earlier to No More Heels .. seeing six different "ologists"!! Once there are less pains and problems and things under control we start to take interest more in things that make us feel good and things we can actually do or get out to attend. Hard not to feel low but let's hope New Year new lease of life and determination to do all we can to help ourselves. I feel a total mad person with all these medical appointments .. have eve given up telling my husband .. bless him he kept up with all goings on and asking/supporting me but in the end I got fed up of talking about it all to even my closest friend and hubby. I understand entirely and June .. refresh me .. what is happening with your ATOS? Hop you can appeal? I had dealings with them in 2013. Turned me down and sent me for job club??? Job Club got upset ATOS had sent/referred me .. said WHY?? ... sent me home! Hugs to you lovely ladies. NK xxxx

[sylvi in reply to NeonkittyUK]

If i can find the effort i will get hubby to take a photo of me when we go out tomorrow night. Then you can decide if i still have my sparkle or not.xxxx

[NeonkittyUK in reply to sylvi]

I hope you have lots of sparkly things on too as well as your own sparkle! xxx

[Hidden in reply to NeonkittyUK]

thank you for your kind words I am going to appeal court the dwp have asked for extra time to prepare there case they have had all my paper work 8 months ,they have been given until the 30th dec but yesterday I found out they have extended that until 18 march even though they were told if they missed the first deadline it may result in the secretary of state being barred so I am at a loss of what to think as they change the goal posts court say the case is still being herd but no date given only that it has been requested soon if any one could enlighten me on the procedure drop me a line ,have a wonderful Christmas and a great new year

[nomoreheels in reply to Hidden]

Have you got someone helping you, a Welfare Officer or someone from Disability Rights/CAB who specialise in fit benefit appeals June? If not please do look into if it's possible. If I remember correctly you were only a point or two short on so it could be a good idea to have some support to state your case, if you haven't put that in place, especially since things have worsened in the time between. x

[NeonkittyUK in reply to Hidden]

You too June and hope someone can help you through this difficult time. It makes me so sad that people with RA/RD have so much to contend with physically without all this cr*p of official business and the worry of it all and its financial impact.

[nomoreheels]

You must be at a really low ebb June, this doesn't sound like you at all. True, we change & pain can alter our outward appearance but you're still you, but a different you. I think this time of year can make us take a look at ourselves, compare the years that have gone, those we spent it with & it's not always a good thing. I hope next year brings greater control of your pain & with that a brighter outlook. (x)

[Jeanabelle60]

This post has started me thinking....I was always they type that looked younger than I am. When I was a young married woman I could still get on the bus for half price.....I used to jiggle away to myself....all my life people would be shocked when I'd tell my age.....seems I have a wee young face, all I see is a wee fat face.....the fat must spread out the wrinkles......I don't see it myself, never have but it must be true as its all I'm ever told.

Anyhow, with that in mind when I was very, very bad, before Bio's, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and to me I looked just awful. My friends passed me in the street, they didn't recognise me, mostly because I had lost so much weight. I was very sick so of course I looked awful.

Moving on 4 years, well.......I know going from 60 to 64 I must have changed, I'm getting older so what can I expect. I prefer to put it all down simply to getting older and not because of the RD. Mind you know one sees me when my body is shaped like a ?.......

I"ll end wishing all of you, young and not so young, a very merry C'mas and I'll see you in the NY. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX