A bit down tonight

Ive suffered with depression for years, it started after I had my first child nearly 28 years ago.....oh wow, is it really that long! So anyway, its been getting worse over the last couple of years and I told my GP I needed to see someone about it. I cant explain to you the pain of going through this day after day. Anyway got to see someone yesterday and its not depression, its a cyclical mood disorder, similar to bi polar.

Its really upset me. I walked out of the surgery and wanted a cig. I mean really wanted one. The comfort of that one thing I knew. Ive wanted one ever since. I haven't had one but Ive been using my tank a lot since yesterday.

I feel as though Im a basket case! Hes given me a mood stabiliser, Im not on the full dose as I cant take the time off work and it will knock me silly, so hes going to build me up.

I think I need to read up on this as I feel lost and I want a cig.

I know smoking wont cure me but its my comfort blanket.

Puffer be aware I will be leaning on you!

9 Weeks Tonight! God help me get through tonight!

12 Replies

  • Hope you feel better soon; I remember your early posts, nine weeks is immense, really hope this passes for you ;-)

  • Aww I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the mo Lillie, it really is horrible :(


    I do understand how you're feeling hun, and don't feel bad about using your e-fag while you're feeling so crap.

    Your tablets will kick in soon and you'll be on the up again, but for now, believe me smoking does *not* cure anything!!

    It might seem like smoking is the answer but take it from me, it really isn't :)

  • Thank you, its easy saying you suffer from depression but having to explain this is a wee bit harder :-( . I wont give in, I will stick this out...........now where is the shop again????

    On a brighter note........Northern night tomorrow, could do with a hyper day to keep up with the music ( well you need to laugh or you would cry)!

  • Thank you, its easy saying you suffer from depression but having to explain this is a wee bit harder :-( . I wont give in, I will stick this out...........now where is the shop again????

    On a brighter note........Northern night tomorrow, could do with a hyper day to keep up with the music ( well you need to laugh or you would cry)!

    Like Kat says, no need to explain, I know what you mean :)

    Smoking masks a lot of symptoms, but it is not a good idea, and it doesn't cure anything!!

    Huge well done for being vastly stronger and brighter than me, 'cos i made the wrong choice

  • ya know I was a bit peed off with this forum, the people I used to know weren't here anymore, I felt like a fish on dry land. But tonight you have shown me the names may change but the values remain the same.

    Thank You All xxxx

  • I hope you feel better soon . Your much better off trusting in god rather than a smoke. smoking was a crutch i used for years but it let me down when the going got really tough. i put my trust in god these days ,im not a christian but i beleive in him . he never lets me down , i can always find him on this forum if u know what i mean.


  • aw, you poor thing, I know what you mean at times like this you of course want to smoke, but you didn't, you should be so proud. You know, perhaps your moods ( I am no doctor) were helped by smoking, but now you have gotten help and with the right meds, you will be smoke free and feeling a hell of a lot better than you have for years, I think this could be a whole new you. Best of luck , be so proud of yourself for resisting, I am in the wars at the moment, so I understand your major crave, I am so fighting mine.

  • Ahhhrrr Lillie chin up babe hopefully the meds will make you feel better, so glad you didnt smoke.

    Have a soulfull nite and keep the faith..xx

  • but I know that when I smoked, the smallest of problems would turn in to the biggest - and mainly because I wasnt able to view the situation objectively; wasnt able to step outside the issue and look at it for what it was. Peoples opinions of me became very important. I dont know why.

    Now, not smoking, ok the same problems crop their head up from time to time, but Im better able to 'deal' with things. think things through logically. find a solution of simply let things go and get back to self focus

    I have found this to be the case for me also. I feel better able to deal with different situations, I seem to get less stressed without the ciggies!

    Sweetpea, I know it must be hard to accept what's been diagnosed but I faithfully promise that, however upset you are by it, it's by far better than not knowing, truly it is. It'll take time to get the right level of the medication in you but it will make all the difference to how you feel and that's THE most important thing.

    I agree with Kat here. I know its hard to see at the moment, but this is a good thing, you know now and you know that it can be helped too. To stay quit for 9 weeks is amazing Lillie, especially with how you have been feeling, so huge well done to you. It will get better for you :) Big BIG ((((((((HUGS)))))))

  • Hi Lillie and felic2012 I can relate to getting rid of certain people in your life...I suffered with depression a couple of years ago and had some counselling, she told me that my best friend of 30 yrs was jealous of me..to cut a long story short I got back with my ex husband and she fell out with me turned out she had been sleeping with him!!!....Once she was out of my life it was like all my stress and depression disappeared I hadn't realised what a bully, control freak, and nasty sad person she was...

    So take felic2012 advice and clear any **** out you will feel so much better...xx

  • Depression is a lot deeper than a lot of people think. It takes time, talking and support to get through it. It's more about learning how to deal with what you feel and not ignoring the root cause.

    Very, very true Karri. I have bouts of being down, but its not depression, although I do understand it as my OH does suffer with depression (on anti-depressants now) So many people dont understand it, just dont get it, its hard.

    I also agree with Felic, a clear out is good. But sometimes, its not something that can be done, sometimes its things that are too close that you simply cant clear out that bring you down.

    Keep posting Lillie, use the site as much as possible, we are all here to help however we can ((((hugs))))

  • When I tell people my child is bi polar they always look a bit uncomfortable. I wish people would talk about it more and didn't make you feel it is a subject to silence a room.

    Oh Karri x Is it being controlled ok with your child? I could only imagine at times its very difficult for you x

    The trouble is so many people have no idea. My OH refused to see a doctor for over a year, I tried everything to help him, read online and got advice, he didn't want to see a doctor because he saw himself as being "nuts" (as he called it), and the problem is that is how alot of people look at it. There is not enough awareness.

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