Week 3: Having a rough time

[nsd_user663_38928]

Hi there everyone, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, I'm into my third week, but for the last three days or so I seem to be wanting to smoke more so than earlier in my quit. It's not too much of a problem though I've just needed to use my inhaler a bit more. And I know why it's happening:

I'm still waiting to see my councellor on Wednesday, but I've been bringing myself down again -- I think my worrying about the impact of smoking on my health has got out of hand. I need to admit that it's become a real obsession. I should be over the moon that I've quit. I should be happy. But I'm not. I can't seem to get rid of this awful, morbid obsession. And I feel REALLY guilty about it. If I don't get a grip, it's going to ruin my quality of life.

I think about it ALL the time. It hits me in the morning as soon as I wake-up. I spend ALL day trawling through the internet reading all sorts of horrible stuff. I can't concentrate on anything else. Then I go back to bed and can't wait to go to sleep. I've been sleeping A LOT more than normal. It's only when I'm asleep I stop thinking about it. It's the only time I get any peace.

In a way, I think that quitting has brought this problem of mine to the forefront. I think I was caught in a 'catch 22' of denial that enabled me to shrug-off my fears --to put them to the back of my mind. I'll try to explain: Before, when I wanted a smoke, I'd just do it. But now, if I think about smoking, I have to comfront those fears because they are the very reason that I WON'T smoke. So it makes it more difficult in a way. Does that make any sence at all? My God -- I'm really worried I may be going mad!

I really hope my councellor can help me. But, at the very least, I certainly realise that quitting is the best thing in the world that I can do.

My quit's going quite well, but I'm not in a very healthy state of mind at the moment. Maybe it's just a mid-life crisis? Maybe I'm just coming to terms with life and I'm growing-up? It's very possible.

Perhaps I should join a mental health forum -- I'm not sure if these problems are really relative here. :confused:

Anyhow, I'm still very positive about my quit.

[nsd_user663_6426]

Hiya Legs, sorry to hear you're having it rough mentally...and well done on your quit.

Like you I was really upset about the thought that I might be ill from smoking and have increased my chances of some horrible disease from smoking for so long. I think you're doing absolutely the right thing in trying to get this resolved as it does seem to have become a bit of an obsession. I still worry that I've put myself at risk but I have to console myself with the fact that if I continued smoking that would increase my risk further. There is a small part of my brain however that catches itself thinking "oh well....you've put yourself at risk and already done damage to your body, then there's no point in giving up so you may as well smoke". I think this is the nicotine addict part of myself trying to justify/convince myself that I might as well carry on smoking and supplying reasons for me to smoke. It's hard to know which part of this is the addict in us and how much is just us!!!!

I hope your counsellor can help you in this, as it really is no fun living in a state of fear and panic....I know cos I did this for sometime myself in the early days of my quit. You nearly smoke cos of it....but don't...wait until you've talked things through with someone....thinking of you. You're not alone in your thoughts...xx

Lisa x

[nsd_user663_23614]

hi legs

we havnt talked before , but i read all your posts (plus many more) before i quit .I just want to say that i suffer from a very similar thing, i have fears which are not real, (i hope not), but get so big in my mind that they consume my every thought , and it can seem like an eternal battle not do get dragged down into a panic attack by them .

its not right

Personnally i am trying to set acchievable goals , to help myself as much as i can , so at least i feel i am doing my best - Ive banned myself from related internet searches, and try much more to live in the here and now.

fight the problem, is what im doing, and not scaring myself no more.

Il be interested to see how your counceling session goes for you, and really hope, you get back to the place you need to be as soon as possible

take care

daizy x x

[nsd_user663_38928]

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. It really means a lot.

Hi Karri -- yes, smoking was my only vice. I don't even drink. In fact, if I'd never smoked, I'd have had a very healthy lifestyle.

Hello Daisy, and thanks for your support. I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced the same issues as myself, but it's nice to know that I'm you understand my concerns and can relate to my feelings. A few other members have also contacted me having experienced similar issues, and I'm very greatful for everyone's help.

In my case I never really cared about it before. My life wasn't great, and I almost used to smoke to punish myself as well as a guilty pleasure. Then everything changed for the better -- something I really wasn't prepared for -- and now I'm hoping I haven't thrown everything away.

I still have real issues going on. I'm ready to admit that. I'm sure that my councelling will go well. I'm sure that my councellor has heared it all before and that she'll be able to help me with these issues.

At the very least there's one good thing that's come of this: I'm not smoking 40 cigarettes a day any more. If I wasn't so worried, I may have been tempted to carry on smoking and take the risk. And while there are certainly no gaurantees at all in life, one thing's foe sure: now that I've quit, there's a very good chance I'll live a longer, happier, fitter, better life than I ever could have hoped for as a smoker. And I'd probably worry just as much about something far less important instead.