Accepting kidney from friend

[wonderingjen]

Hello All - I recently found out my friend has been approved to donate his kidney to me. I'm struggling with accepting this precious gift from him. It's hard enough for me to accept someone going to the store for me let alone a new kidney! I would feel awful if something happened to the kidney in a shorter period of time, lost it, and then it would seem like he give me his kidney for nothing. Anyone have any ideas about how I can try to come to peace with this? I know if I were in his situation and could give him one of my kidneys I would, so turning the table, so to speak, does help a bit. Any other ideas welcome. Thanks.

[Bassetmommer]

There are few things as much as this gift. Honor you friend by taking the best care you can of it and yourself. And then enjoy your life. Do not sully this transaction by worrying about what ifs? You never know. And they will take care of him if he needs it. I get it, though. But no greater love can be shown than this. Lucky you.

[wonderingjen in reply to Bassetmommer]

I think I want to print out your response, Bassetmommer, and tape it to my fridge. It's very helpful and I'm going to meditate on it! I really appreciate it - thank you!

[Oceansideup]

You note that you would be donating if the situation were turned around.

If that were the case, how would you respond to your friend if they also struggled with accepting your heartfelt offer? What would you say to help them move forward?

Say those things to yourself. Give yourself permission to accept this amazing gift.

[wonderingjen]

Another helpful response! Thanks so much, Oceansideup. I'll give this some thought...

[MerciBeaucoup12]

I have struggled with the same feelings. My cousin is my donor and he is actually having his surgery this week (we are doing the paired exchange.) One thing that has helped me immensely is having faith that he will reap intrinsic rewards by doing such a selfless act. He will know that his decision has impacted my life significantly. Although I was hesitant to receive his gift to me, I didn’t want to rob him of what he will gain (something not of monetary value or anything that is tangible) but something of inner worth and he will have it for as long as he lives.

[wonderingjen in reply to MerciBeaucoup12]

Sending best wishes to your cousin for a successful surgery this week, MerciBeaucoup12! And, yes, you're right about the intrinsic rewards. I know I would feel those rewards if I was giving to someone else. I have to keep that at the forefront of my consciousness! Thank you!

[Darlenia in reply to MerciBeaucoup12]

I agree with you. I see living donors as visionaries and angels - laying up treasure for themselves and others on earth and heaven. Their values transcend the actual procedure itself. They're truly a blessing in this complicated world of ours.

[wonderingjen in reply to Darlenia]

Yes, Darlenia -- truly blessings. Thanks.

[Herkidney]

Hi. Congratulations on finding your living donor! I was fortunate enough to receive my kidney from my husband. Six years after transplant, we are both doing well. Trust me, no one signs up to donate a kidney unless they truly want to do so. Please accept your friend’s gift and enjoy your life as your friend would want you to do so.

[wonderingjen in reply to Herkidney]

Thanks, Herkidney. "no one signs up to donate a kidney unless they truly want to do so" - so true. It helps to even say that out loud. And congratulations on your kidney! I hope you and your husband continue to stay healthy and well for many many years to come!

[PostivelyJo]

I think your response is wonderful , that you have so much concern for your friend. But if he is after tests found to be a suitable donor I think you should take up his offer. He is clearly a deeply compassionate mature individual who after thought has decided to do this.

Giving to another is one of greatest things a human can do and giving a kidney surely has to be amongst the ultimate of gifts. He will benefit too … emotionally from this .. he is an extraordinary person , truly.

When I meet donors in clinic I’m in awe of them as are the clinicians and surgeons.

So … if it were me in your place with the knowledge I have of almost 5 years post transplant I would say do it … this is a rare opportunity and a live donation is the best option for your health.

The journey after transplant has been magical for me giving me insight into life in a way I never could have imagined, I hope it will be the same for both of you .

Best of luck with your decision .

[wonderingjen in reply to PostivelyJo]

Thanks, PostivelyJo. He is, indeed, an extraordinary person and I'm very lucky. I appreciate all your words of wisdom! Thank you - and may you have many many years of good health with your kidney!

[LavenderRabbit]

I don’t know if this helps, but I thought about it while reading your story.

What if your friend went to the store for you, but they didn’t have what you wanted? I bet your friend wouldn’t regret going to the store for you. He would’ve done it out of love.

[wonderingjen in reply to LavenderRabbit]

Ah, yes. Interesting way of looking at it, LavenderRabbit. I did tell him about my fear of what if I lost the kidney after just a few years and his response was loving and reflected what you said. Thank you!

[Beachgirl32]

it hard to accept but he wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t want to and belive me the donor goes through lot of test and psychological testing to make sure they want to give and nobody but god know the outcome and how long the kidney will last. Say thank you I know when I had a friend try to donate but they were not a match but they found health problems they didn’t know they had and now under medical care now but I had thought like you so I understand being at peace accepting what a wonderful friend you have I been waiting three years one day it will happen for me I’m a hard match too . Think postive thoughts.

[wonderingjen]

Thanks so much, Beachgirl32. I will try to think positively. And I so hope you are able to find a match sometime very soon!

[ShyeLoverDoctor]

My friend stepped forward to donate while the rest of my entire family refused - three siblings, their spouses, children, my 11 cousins and their spouses. I would have donated to any of them. Sadly, my friend was disqualified due to poor kidney function. He was not aware he had CKD Stage 2. His GFR is 83 and the cutoff is a hard 85, among other things.

Of course I know you will do the best to take care of any transplanted kidney, especially a friend’s! Take all the meds, don’t skip appointments or blood tests, ask if you have any questions, speak up right away if you have an issues. I went to the ER several times - “I think the kidney is failing!” It never was, fortunately.

In my opinion this is the greatest gift I can ever think of to give someone. Honestly it brings tears to my eyes. I approached three other friends who said no.

If your friend didn’t want to help you, he wouldn’t do it. Accept it with grace.

[wonderingjen in reply to ShyeLoverDoctor]

Hello ShyeLoverDoctor. I have so many difficult feelings come up reading what you wrote about your family refusing to try and help. Despite feeling grateful for this one friend who has been approved, I have feelings about the fact that some friends and family--who I've been very close to over the years--didn't offer to get tested. Like you said, I would have donated to any of them as well. I don't know how to get over the feelings of betrayal other than hoping time will heal.

I'm sorry your friend didn't work out, not to mention has poor kidney function himself; but what a wonderful silver lining for him because now he can get care and take care of his kidneys in a different way than he would have before.

And, of course, I'm glad your kidney function is okay. Is it from someone who had died, then?

I do really appreciate your response -- thanks.

[ShyeLoverDoctor in reply to wonderingjen]

I received a deceased donor kidney, yes.

About the betrayal you feel - resenting someone for something they did or did not do, is like swallowing poison. It hurts only you. If you spend your days with anger and bitterness in your heart, how is there room for joy? Let it go. You will be happier. Do not dwell on it.

And yes - realize people are far, far more selfish than you imagined. It’s disappointing. Saying “I love you” is not the same as “I’ll do anything for you or give you anything you need.”

My mom is 84. I asked her, But if you were younger, you’d donate, right? She said No. I don’t want to have an operation.

About having a deceased donor: I wrote three letters to the donor’s family. What happens is, a social worker tells the family, I have a letter from one of your loved one’s recipients, do you want to read it? They can say yes, or they say no, and it is saved in case they change their mind. I got no response which is very common. While I’d like to know more about my donor…maybe the person was in reality a jerk and no one I’d care to know. However, they died a hero.

The only thing my surgeon would say was, It was a younger donor. So their death was a tragedy but out of that came a huge miracle (whatever you want to call it) for so many. One organ donor can save up to 8 lives and enrich man more. People were able to keep their vision through a cornea transplant, burn victims got skin to replace theirs that they lost.

An operation is a big, big deal. You have no idea what other people’s situations are. One of my family doesn’t even want twilight sedation for an endoscopy to find out if she has a hernia that might be causing reflux, because she’s terrified of “going under” and thinks she’ll die. Her mom was a nurse who told her tons of medical horror stories. Lots of people are terrified of general anesthesia.

My sister’s attitude was, You’ll just wait on dialysis 8 years until you get a deceased donor, your body will get used to dialysis. She had no idea how horrible dialysis was for me and is for many people. Or, worse, she didn’t care, she has her own life. People don’t realize dialysis only replaces 10% of what a normal kidney does and you’re still quite sick. It will keep you alive, and that is a medical miracle…but it’s not a great quality of life.

Really, let it go. They aren’t feeling any guilt or remorse. Don’t expect any apologies. You will be waiting in vain.

Holding onto feeling disappointed or betrayed, only brings down your own mood. Celebrate your amazing gift and live the best life you can.

Transplant is hard and takes effort, courage, stamina, and determination. The operation is usually the easy part!!! It’s rare that someone has a super easy time (one man I know did) but for most, medication will be a challenge. There can and will be setbacks, new health issues. Transplant is only a treatment, not a cure. You don’t ride off into the sunset and that is all she wrote—many people believe this, and many are wrong. Recovery is not a straight line. Expect lots and lots of bloodwork, constant adjustments to dosages or new drugs. Visits to the ER, hospitalizations are common. Being re-hospitalized immediately post transplant is actually pretty common. I’m not saying this to scare you. Transplant is totally worth it. Chance are very high you will live a longer, healthier life than you would on dialysis. You are still considered having end stage renal disease which is terminal.

[wonderingjen in reply to ShyeLoverDoctor]

Thanks again, ShyeLoverDoctor. Everything you say regarding reasons why someone wouldn't want to donate make sense to me cognitively; I do understand there are many reasons someone wouldn't want to donate--it's not for everyone. And, yet, I'm still hurt emotionally.

I actually currently have a transplant. I have my mom's kidney and this September will have had it for 28 years! I have had some of those set backs you talk about but generally have done well. My doctor said I'll probably have to be on more immunosuppression with this next kidney and I'm not looking forward to that.

[forthelonghaul]

Hi wonderingjen,

Think of it as a Just Because gift! Who turns down a Just Because gift!!? 😉😊

[wonderingjen in reply to forthelonghaul]

Ha! Love it. Thank you, forthelonghaul! 😊😊

[TeacherMommy]

Thank you for voicing this. It is always comforting to have this forum to hear from people who “get it.”

I found it complicated for sure to ask for a kidney and ultimately to accept one (I was also bad at asking for help with anything). However, somehow I was able to be very open hearted through the process and not to have negative feelings for anyone who didn’t offer to donate. I found that I was incredibly touched when people even considered donating to me. Many friends were very open about their own thought process as they considered donating. I would have guessed that would feel awkward, but it didn’t at all. I was just grateful they would consider giving me part of their body!

My friend was my donor and now that we live in different states, I sometimes feel guilty that we are not always in touch (we go in spurts). I fleetingly wonder if she regrets it. I know that is my emotion and not hers though. When I do see her (1-2 times per year) she is so open and positive about it, and just normal with me, that I feel reassured.

She has also gotten involved with helping others who are getting transplants by joining meal trains for after surgery, and giving talks at her high school (where she works) about our experience. It has definitely been positive for her.

So, yes it is all complicated, but has been an amazing (ongoing) experience.

The donors I know are shiny people - angels on Earth. Come to think of it, the donors I know are the most grounded, happy people I can imagine. Hope that helps you! ❤️

[wonderingjen]

That does help me, TeacherMommy! Thank you! I wish I didn't have negative feelings for those who haven't offered as I do understand what a big ask it is and there are so many reasons someone wouldn't feel comfortable. I admire that you have kept so non-judgmental about that.

Your friend sounds amazing--not only donating to you but helping out in other ways as well. In some ways, though, not surprising as I think those who have donated are probably generally drawn to helping out.

You said some of your friends were open about their thought process as they considered donating. Do you happen to remember some of what they said?

Thanks, again, for taking the time to respond!