I need moral support

[Wizw]

My friend is fighting end stage renal failure and I am trying to be supportive but his violent mood swings and personal attacks are hard to take even though I know he doesn't mean them.

[Bassetmommer NKF Ambassador]

Wizw,

Not sure of your relationship with this person. However, abuse is something that should not be tolerated in anyone. Having said that, speak to his doctor about the mood swings and see if there is something more medically that can be done to help with that.

Now, here is what I want to say and this is my opinion.

.. having this disease is a real battle. I know that there are days when I am not my best and really want to be left alone. My hubby and family are very supportive but there is no way he or anyone else can actually feel and understand what it is like going through this. So when I am frustrated, I get angry and it is very easy to take it out on someone else. Very easy. But.... and believe me, I am not perfect and do tend to blow up at times, I try to remember that it is not anyone else's fault and to not take my frustration out on anyone else. These are the days when being alone is best for me.

It is very normal to be angry and when we have relationships with other people, we get jealous of what they have and we don't, which is health. Especially at end stage where the prognosis is heading towards a life changing situation such as dialysis. Freedom is lost in all cases and that can trigger anger, even when the other person had nothing to do with it. They/you are free, and we are not and so we place our anger on them/you. I know that does not make it right. It is just a more common situation than you think.

With people in hospice, they go through stages and one of those is anger. Hospice workers are trained to learn to realize it is not them that is the target. (Not saying your friend is in hospice, just giving you some background.)

So, what can you do? Remember this.... they are not mad or angry at you. They are mad and angry at their situation. You can try a couple of things such as being blunt and telling them that it is not acceptable for them to attack you and you will not listen to it anymore. The time for this discussion is not in the heat of the moment, but more when they are calm and rational. Then suggest that they should share their frustration and feelings with you or maybe someone else. I am again, not sure of your roles in the relationship, but this can be very hard for someone who has always been in control.

And a quick diffuser when someone is saying or attacking you is to ask them, "why do you say that?" In other words, they say "you are a jerk", and you immediately ask them. "why do you say that?" and they say because "you are stupid", and again you reply immediately, "why do you say that? Notice I say why DO you say that, not why did you say that. They really have to pause and think about it and if your patient, they often work out the anger and realize the source is not you.

Good for you for being a friend and I hope you can continue to support him. Please do not put yourself in a harmful situation. If you are feeling threatened, get away from him.

[Marvin8 in reply to Bassetmommer]

Beautifully said.

[BigBilly in reply to Marvin8]

Amen.

[Sammi_n_Munk in reply to Bassetmommer]

Hi Bassetmommer. Wow. You never cease to amaze me with your wisdom. I cried when I read this post. You truly know your stuff. I appreciate it. I have to admit, I’ve actually blown up right in my one sister’s face one time. I too, suffer from these bouts of intense anger, and much like you, I just need to be alone on those days.

It is exactly as you say, I’m actually jealous of their health at times. I would never say this to any of my family members, and please don’t misunderstand, I would never wish this fate upon them, or anyone, but shamefully, I do get jealous of the fact that they can still enjoy good health and I can’t any longer. I cannot believe how much we all have in common here. I feel so at home in this community.

Thank you again for your wise words. God bless you. 😊👍

[Wizw in reply to Bassetmommer]

Thank you so much, this really helps in my day to day interaction with him

[DarlaPupMom in reply to Bassetmommer]

I was really depressed and scared and feeling sorry for myself as I went to my 7 am bloodwork. While I waited I looked up all the codes my nephrologist had listed on my medical workup sheet (request for bloodwork I guess would be the "title"). I did a number on myself reading up on what all those codes meant even though he had told me to not do that. There are vardiables in results numbers and the codes are for billable items. I had been fasting of course and got home famished. And I threw caution to the wind eating a Costco ciabatta square roll which I simply can't resist. (I''ve asked my husband not to buy it but he does cause he also fights the diet battle due to Type 2 Diabetes and sometimes is just hungry). It's loaded with sodium. Had an egg and half a Hass avocado with it. And one tangerine. And coffee. Not even one hour later, I was in a foul mood. Opening my email I came across HealthUnlocked and loved reading all the entries and the wonderful information/advice given. But I'm feeling sad that I'm not able to give up something like that roll which I know (glutlen) makes me uneasy and unhappy. I even ate it, toasted, with Kerrygold Irish butter, which I love. But dairy also does me in. I had to have a second cup of coffee for my ongoing fatigue but soon I'll see my nephrologist and will have some answers. I am scared but praying God will give me peace about this, especially seeing what others go through. I haven't told anyone about my CKD. My husband and childrlen of course but my friends & other family members -No. The few I DID tell act as if I don't have it because I look younger than my years and when I'm not fatigued, I'm active. So they pooh-pooh and I don't mention it. Thanks for letting me ramble on in this forum. I know exactly what to do. And I do ok most days. Others, not so much. God bless you all. We are truly in this together and I feel for us all.

[Hidden]

I read your profile and you've already said that your friend has declined to go on dialysis and has selected hospice care. That means that the end is near for him. You didn't mention his age but whatever it is he has made his decision and all you really can do is support that decision. You called him your friend, and no doctor will violate HIPAA rules and give you any information regarding his health or attitude. Understanding this, all you can do is help him through this decision until it's over. It won't be easy but it's what a friend would do.

[Wizw in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Mr. Kidney, I am his health care advocate so they share everything with me which helps.

[Sammi_n_Munk]

Hello Wizw. You’ve taken on quite a lot supporting your friend like this. I certainly commend you on that, as it is never easy attempting to remain positive and being there for someone whose life is essentially coming to an end.

You sound like a very strong and kindhearted person, and although one would think that your friend should be grateful (as I’m sure he is, on his better days), try to remember that because of the disease, he’s not actually himself. This is almost the equivalent of supporting one with an addiction to drugs. He’s not himself.

I can tell you from my own experience blowing up at my family members at times, we hate ourselves later, believe me. It’s the toxins in our system that our kidneys have failed in regulating that are now affecting our moods. Often times, it doesn’t take much for me to scream, and sometimes, even when I’m alone. I’m ashamed of that, but it is the truth.

It’s not easy, as the others have said, but I’m going to reiterate what Bassetmommer has already told you, because it does bear repeating: if you feel afraid for your own safety at any time during his angry blowouts, just apologize to him and walk out. Just tell him you’ll be back when he’s feeling better. Helping a friend through a difficult time is an admirable thing, but putting yourself at risk is not.

I wish you and your friend all my best, and I will certainly keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, dear. God bless. 🙏

[Wizw in reply to Sammi_n_Munk]

Thank you Sammi, They had him on ativan for his mood swings which didn't seem to work and after giving them background on his last 10 years of life they deemed him with psychosis and changed his medication to depakote which has been a game changer. I am his health care advocate so they confer with me on all medications. He is calmer, lets the nurses change him without a fuss and no more outbursts.

[Sammi_n_Munk in reply to Wizw]

I guess sometimes, it’s just a matter of a medication change or dosage adjustment that makes the big difference. I’m glad to hear that things are better for both of you. I will still keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, and thank you for keeping us posted.

You’re a good person, wizw, and even if your friend may not always say it, I’m sure that he knows it. He’s a very fortunate soul indeed, to have such a kind-hearted companion in his life. There are many in this world that cannot say the same. God bless you. 🙏😊👍

[Hidden]

I am personally at stage 3B. My father died of kidney failure and congestive heart failure in 1979 at 79. He acted just as you described. He always had a short temper, but was very unreasonable and illogical during his last year, at that time in the US there was no available dialysis for people over 65. Although the name Alzheimer’s Disease did not exist until 1984, I assumed at that point that it had been the reason for his mental state.

[Wizw in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your support