On 6th february this year I gave birth to my beautiful little boy, 2 weeks before his older sister turned 2! The birth was very traumatic as I ended up having an emergency cesarean again and i felt extremely unwell during the operation. I was so upset to have a cesarean as i had wanted to be up on my feet straight away after giving birth in order to look after my 2 year old but having the operation meant I was out of action for a number of weeks which was very hard on her.
When my daughter was born we went through 3 months of hell until she was finally diagnosed as Cows milk protein intolerant and put on prescription formula so this time around we were looking out for it in our son. Sure enough, by 2 weeks of age we could see the all too familiar symptoms starting to appear so went to the GP, got tested and were straight onto the correct formula. Hooray! We thought we had beaten the difficulties but we were so wrong! My poor little boy has had the most dreadful reflux resulting in him not being able to sleep due to discomfort, not wanting to feed because of the pain and generally being very unhappy and unsettled. Had he been my only child i would have found it challenging but with a 2 year old to look after as well it has been horrendous. Thankfully he is now on strong medication and at 3 months old he is finally getting more settled and feeding is not so much an issue. He still doesn't sleep well at night and my husband and i are exhausted.
I thought i was coping reasonably well. I have recovered from the cesarean, the house is pretty clean and tidy, i'm putting meals on the table and taking the children out to toddler groups. What i didnt see until the other day though was just how irritable and angry i have become. It started with the cat - always under my feet and trying to sleep in the childrens rooms - she would get the brunt of my frustrations. Then i realised that my husband could do no right, in fact i could feel myself starting to despise him! It was breaking point when i started getting angry and irritable with the children. A boiling anger would well up in me if things didnt go right - the baby would't settle to sleep, the 2 year old would't eat her tea etc. I had no reserves left to stay calm and would feel so angry and frustrated that i would want to hurt myself to release it. I had images of plunging a knife into my leg repeatedly because i had no other way of letting out all my emotions (i have never done this of course).
It has been a stunning revelation to me that actually i am not coping like i thought i was. I have seen a GP and am considering whether to take anti depressants or not. One thing is for sure, i cant continue this way. I never thought having 2 children would be so hard but then i think most things are hard when you have been surviving on 4 hours sleep a night for the past 3 months. I have 2 beautiful children who i cherish and i know life will get easier soon. I just wanted to share my experience in case anyone else out there has had similar difficulties.