How to make time for myself as a caregiver

[Sweetfish73]

I’m new to this forum, would love some tips on how to make time for myself as a care giver to my husband who has MS. I also work over 50 hours a week in Veterinary Medicine. My husband is home alone with the animals all week. I cook, clean, do laundry, get home to appts, maintain the home, care for our four animals, help him bathe, etc. I have no family that lives close who can help. But I feel guilty for doing anything by myself. I feel guilty for needing time away from the responsibilities I have. I’m burned out. Any suggestions?

[hopeandgrace]

Sorry to hear you are burnt out. I think the only way for anyone’s tips to be helpful is if you make some decisions about priorities. We don’t know how much help your husband needs. Everyone’s symptoms are different.

Without family around, it sounds like the options are to pay for help or make friends/ find trusted folks who would volunteer to help.

It’s probably also wise to evaluate your budget and lifestyle - are you barely scraping by or do you have a cushion? Can you afford a laundry service? Is it worth it to shop for groceries and prep vs. a delivery/ pre-prepped meals? As much as fur babies mean to us, have the 4 become a burden or are they still a blessing?

Also, what do you mean by “time away”? Are you seeking a week long vacation without your husband? Or an hour to indulge in coffee/ a manicure/ whatever you like? There’s an huge difference between the two. What does “rest” mean to you? Would you find joy in some quiet time but still in the same home with your husband?

Only you can answer these questions and make these decisions with your husband. Hope you are able to find some rest and space to breathe!

[NorasMom]

Hopeandgrace made some good points. Sit down and make a list of what absolutely must be done and what could be cut out or reduced. You MUST take care of yourself first. I understand the guilt feelings, but you have to carve out some time to do things that relax you.

You're not as young as you used to be, so it's time to sit back and look at things with fresh eyes. The world isn't going to come to an end if the grass is a little longer than the neighbors' or the floors aren't freshly waxed. Get groceries delivered. Pay bills online. Have separate "home" and "away" clothes and rotate them instead of putting today's outfit in the hamper.

Start thinking of taking care of yourself as being a medical necessity, because it really is. Figure out where you can cut corners, and make time for yourself every day.

[leking1]

Good morning, Sweetfish. I understand and I can identify with what you are saying and feeling. My situation is somewhat similar to yours, with 2 glaring exceptions. I no longer work outside my home, and I am the MS patient and my own care giver. I volunteer for the Humane Society. I live alone, or with 9 cats and 2 small dogs, so I am never alone, but I also never get any me time. If I am away from home for more than a couple of hours, I start feeling guilty or worrying that one of the dogs will pee in the floor. I don't have anyone to watch over or take care of the fur babies, since my sister died 8 years ago, and my fur babies are my family. I don't think I've helped you at all. Grocery shopping has turned into a social even for me, a trip to the Library is awesome, and I have learned to forego the trip to the Animal Food/Supply places....I would get so caught up in conversations with other people /cat/dog mommies and daddies, that I would be there for an hour or more or forget what I came for! There is no need for either of us to feel guilty...as the old saying goes " If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy". You need to do what makes you happy! Linda

[LHermitte in reply to leking1]

Leking, I really love your positive attitude - your willingness and creativity in seeing those outings as opportunities for social interaction! 👍👍👍

[Sandydemop]

Self care is key. fill your own cup so you can pour some out to others.

[CalfeeChick CommunityAmbassador]

You sound like an Angel! Maybe when hubby takes a nap, maybe you should try to rest, too. Even if you are reading, folding clothes. something more peaceful. Read a few pages of a book or magazine. Is hubby on disability? You might be able to get assistance for a caregiver or maybe a friend to spend time with him, so you can get a break. I was caregiver for my own mother and Mother in law too. Both had Alzheimer's disease so I understand a little of what you mean by needing time for yourself.

[ahrogers]

Is there is family you can visit elsewhere together? My sister in law is full time caregiver for my MIL and she works full time at night. Although, 2 of my brother in laws live nearby they rarely help. We live on opposite coasts, CA and SC. My MIL comes and stays with us once a year for a month or two. It doesn't sound like she needs as much care as your husband though. She can bathe herself with a shower chair and handheld shower head, we just don't let her do it unless we are there. My husband and I both work full time. The only time my SIL gets a vacation is when she comes here. She wants to visit her grandkids in MD and the only way she can do that is to bring my MIL here first.

If you can visit family maybe you can go out to a spa for a day while he is with family.

[palomino27]

Get help in the home for your husband. Like "Visiting Angels" type service. Take it from experience, pay the money before your marriage is dead. They can also help maintain the house.

[mrsmike9 in reply to palomino27]

This is similar to what I was thinking. There must be agencies where you are who can help. Does he get SSI? If the 1st call isn't the right place, they may be able to point you in the right direction. You can't do it all without burnout and potentially ruining your relationship with him. Please try to find some help. Let us know how you're doing.

[Tazmanian]

Good luck

[Tkotrl]

a coupe of things. Home health often will provide a bath aide a couple of times a week to give you a break from that. I happen to have MS and I work full time as an occupational therapist. Make sure you are not over helping your loved one. I see it often. Sometimes guilt and sometimes just wanting to get things done quicker and sometimes just that type of personality. It’s important for both of you. He needs to maintain his mobility, strength and independence. You need to sit back and let him do what he can. I teach my patients that the more you can do, even if it’s simple like washing and dressing your upper body, it will allow the caregiver to have more ability to keep you home as long as possible. Sitters are cheaper than full caregiver. They may not help with much but it would allow you a time away. Go to a movie, hang out with a friend, go to a coffee shop. Also consider church. There may be folks who just want something to do and would volunteer to sit with your hubby.

Right now I can basically do everything but need help with steps and curbs. I already think about how I can decrease the burden on my husband as I know he will end up being my caregiver. I use a cane now so when we walk longer I don’t have to lean on him. We live in a one story home. I exercise to keep as strong as I can. There is adaptive equipment to help with getting dressed, mobility. I will use what ever will help me to minimize what he has to do for me

May be worth having a therapist come in and see if there are any modifications that could decrease the physical burden.

Take the time. Make it happen. Or you will burn out.

[jackiesj]

a zoom meeting may be available to you to discuss such things. I am trying to care for myself within the walls of home without my husband, i am finding counseling online beneficial for stress relief and may even have more options if you ask.best wishes.