Earlier today, well technically yesterday since it is now 2 am in the morning, was the hardest day of my life so far.
I had to go to the funeral home to identify my husband's body so that they are sure they are cremating the correct body. It is the law here in Utah. Not sure if it is nationwide or not. I also had to say my final goodbyes. It was so hard to see him lying there. It made his death come crashing home. I know it was silly of me but I kept hoping that this was all just a nightmare that I would wake up from. Yes, it is a nightmare, but it is not one that I will wake up from and have everything be back to normal. I sure wanted it to be. He was my absolute best friend on earth and I don't know what I will do without him.
Another thing that made today so hard is at the funeral home my service dog Willow kept nudging Keith's arm. That is her way of saying, hey, I'm here for you, please pet me. She would then look at me as if to say... "Why isn't Dad responding. I miss him and need him to pet me". This just made me cry harder because she doesn't understand. She is usually ok during the day but in the evening and until about 6 am she is looking for him. She will wander from room to room searching for Keith. Once I go to sleep she wakes me up about every hour to go outside and then come in and search for him. This is just as hard on her as it is on me.
I have made a few decisions about what I am going to do next and now my sister and some of my husband's family are upset with me. They all want me to move back to Washington and let them take care of me and consequently any money I may have from life insurance. I do NOT want to do that. Especially with the family members involved. They have extremely strong personalities and I almost always find myself doing what they want just to keep from making waves.
I really think I need to learn to get by on my own away from both families, then later if I decide I want to I can move back. None of them understand this. I am a Christian and want to continue to live a Christian lifestyle. I don't want to live with people who will encourage me to take up smoking, drugs, boos, and sleeping around. Because of this, I feel I am better off on my own. I also don't want people telling what I can and can not do in my own home, especially when they are not contributing anything towards the upkeep of the home and they cause me additional stress and work.
I love the families dearly and I want to continue to love them, which I don't think is possible if I live with them or very near them.
Am I crazy to want to try and do this on my own? I have always lived with my parents, then a couple of aunts and uncles, then the first husband, then my sister, then my second husband. I am 55 years old. I think it is time to stand on my own 2 feet with the help of my Heavenly Father.
So again I ask, Am I crazy? Am I being selfish? My sister feels I owe her all of the money I get because she has been unable to get social security. She also feels that I should be willing to support her on my SSDI and in exchange I can have $100 of her food stamps for my food as long as she approves of the food. To me that is nuts.
Sorry, I did not mean for this to turn into a rant. It has been a very difficult day today and having to deal with the families has not made it any easier.
Thanks for listening.
Jacqui
P.S. I am doing o.k. other than that. I am emotional but I am holding on. I have been praying almost constantly since Keith passed.
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Bygonelines
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My wife’s family are the same. Toxic. Entitled and selfish. I worry about her when I pass. I’ve set her up financially and she has a terrible time saying no especially to our children. I talk to her about it a lot. For what it’s worth keep your distance from them. I doubt they are out to help you. More likely they want to guilt you right into your own poverty! Don’t do it. Keep some distance. You are not being selfish. For gods sake you’re 55. Go live your own life. The Bible doesn’t tell Christians to give away their very means of living. People are to take care of themselves by working. Kindness in the form of gifts of one sort or another is one thing. Creating poverty for yourself is not. That’s my two cents...l
I like your two cents because I have one son who it will rain on in and try to take over he tried that already My other son was is good to me and my husband. I know you’re not supposed to say one is better than the other. BUT
Don’t get me wrong I do love my other son but things have happened. But I know that I will watch myself and I home and pray that we aren’t together for a long time.
My 💓 good or to you and Willow. People say to wait a year before making any changes. Maybe You can use your 💰 for help while you mourn and come up with the best solution for yourself.
My biggest issue is that there was very little life insurance. It won't even pay all the bills and my SSDI will not even cover the house note so it has to go. My husband had cancer as a 3-year-old and because of that, he could never get a life insurance company to cover him for more than what his employer offered without a medical exam. It is frustrating. He only had $20,000 life insurance through his work. So we aren't talking a fortune here.
Understood. I always had term life policies and didn’t really think about them running out. The term ending. One month before I was diagnosed I bought a life policy from Pemco. I truly feel that was a weird coincidence. My work offers a decent amount of guaranteed life but if I’m not working at some point I hav 30 days to convert it into a whole life policy at $700 a month.😳
Jacqui take time out, stay put where you have good memories of your husband. Don’t move just yet, be selfish, if that’s what you want to call it. Nobody has any right to dictate to you., you have to do what’s best for you, and moving to your sisters when you are so vulnerable is not a wise move. Wait until you have had your husbands celebration and then start thinking about your future. Your head will be all over the place, give yourself time, come here and vent, blessings Jimeka 🦋 🌈 🤗
As bad as I hate to say this, but I think you are better off by yourself or even an assistant living than putting up with family? Sell the house and find a one bedroom house or apartment. Don’t hang on to the house and spend all your money on it when you need to sell it anyway. Get rid of house payment, insurance, taxes, and upkeep 👍. Have a yard sale and get rid of things while the have some value. You are still young and strong enjoy your self and let the family deal with there own problems and not make them yours. This is just my opinion but I think stay on your own. Just tell them you need your own space for now. Prayers are with you and hope things work out 👍🙏. Ken 🐾
Eew, who chooses Washington over Utah? 🤮 It sounds like your sister might be crazy. The vulnerable grief window is only open for so long and people need to take advantage of you while the opportunity is fresh and feelings are raw...just my dark 2 cents here, I don’t know them.
What an awful day 😫 I don’t think now is the time for decisions...or anything really. It’s ok to ignore everyone, to be selfish (but you’re not), and to be crazy (for a while at least, after your whole world comes crashing down). So much love to you! I’m very sorry 💐
I used to love Washington until they started going nuts on their gun laws. By their new laws my 22 rifle is illegal. It's so stupid. I want to stay in Utah where I can carry a gun to protect myself. The fact that I use a walker and a service dog makes the bad guys think I am an easy target. They should talk to the last guy that tried to attack me. It was before I got a gun, all I had was my monkey fist, but when I swung it at him I got lucky and hit him between the eyes. He decided I wasn't worth the effort and ran off. LOL.
Oh for sure! Good on you, and great shot! I’m glad he ran for it. Scary sad times 😫 I’ve never thought about needing to up my self defense game after my mobility declines, thank you!
Bygonelines , I agree with kdali and most here ~ you are too vulnerable to make any decisions at this time. However, you should probably start thinking about selling your home, as tough as it will be, in order to get into a more manageable place. If family is toxic, like you say, then, make plans to be as independent as you can, without them. Let then know, and they should understand. And I am crying with the thought of your Willow being confused. Furbabies are the true friends in any situation. Keep praying, as I find that many of my concerns are answered that way. Your beloved husband will always be with you in spirit. Take care of yourself first, then others, ONLY if you can and want to. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
My condolences to both you and Willow, my heartfelt sympathy for you. Any help with your decision making I will listen to your thoughts. If I may say, do not do anything to quickly, Perhaps buy some new sheets pillows even a new bed so his smell is no longer there. A little easier for the two of you.
Jacqui, I am just like you - we were both blessed to have a Husband and a best friend wrapped in one. I have heard so many times to give yourself 1 year after the death of a spouse before making life changing decisions. I like that thought - how about you?
Ok it’s my turn to rant DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM IT IS YOUR LIFE TO LIVE AND YOUR MONEY. TELL THEM ALL TO GO BACK HOME AND NOT TO MOVE IN WITH YOU. ok I have the same fear God forbid if my husband goes be for me my sisters and brother and everyone else will be trying to tell me what to do with my house and my money. Don’t you love it when you needed help they were not there for you but now they all think they know what’s best for you.
I have a saying and it is
“ THINK BEFORE YOU DO”
You need to tell them after the funeral that they all need to go back to there own lives and don’t say I think say you need to go back to your own homes and your sister tell your your money is your money not hers.
I’m sorry if I sound mean or crazy because I’m neither. I just don’t want you to get walked over.
You're actually showing signs of sanity and setting healthy boundaries by not allowing family to manipulate you. Some family can only be loved from a distance. These family members do not sound like those who want to offer you support, but those who will use you up.
I appreciate what Kenu suggests. If money may soon be an issue, it may be wise to be looking for a way to downsize to something affordable for the long term, and which would also be too small to allow dysfunctional family to try to move in. It is surely hard to think about more changes as you've already had so much to begin to adjust to.
A firm, "No, but thank you." will go a long way in keeping them at bay while you make decisions. You know God is with you, and He supplies all your needs. I know we can't be there in person, but you know you have many people here who will encourage and support you because we care about you. You're amazing, and we don't want anyone taking advantage of you.
Will you let us know what you decide and how you are doing when you feel up to it?
Bygonelines can I must say I am in awe of you. Instincts and your strength having to do with your awareness of what is the best for you is coming out loud and clear. How can anyone believe that you are supporting them on your limited SSI income will be what's best for you? I really hate to say anything negative about other people's families but in this case it would be an injustice not to point out the obvious greediness that I see your family ooze. I'm glad you see there're selfish manipulation for what they are. And attempt to take over your life for their own selfish gain and ruin yours in the process.
I think I point out only what you have already seen for yourself. You have any other close friends that live in a different area that you could move close to. With the proper support of others who truly understand I think it would be in your best interest just set out on your own. I can't imagine how hard this must be but I believe it would be better I have the support of strangers dealing with similar issues and family who are trying to pull you under with their issues. I don't and I won't keep you in my prayers. Once again I wish to remind you what an incredibly strong woman you are and assure you that I am positive you will strike out in the direction that is best for you not others. I wish there was some miracle button I can push to set up an MS community that encouraged and accepted those dealing with MS without Family Support could join and create their own support group. You are stronger than you have any idea and together we are even stronger than that!
Bygonelines Dear Jacqui With the death of your husband, you are carrying the burden of grief, mourning the loss of your dearest companion, and dealing with enormous changes in the life you built together. This is not the time to put yourself into the clutches of people who sound as selfish and avaricious as the "family" in Washington. Stay where you are: relocation is difficult at any time. Mourn and grieve as you need to; take your first steps toward independence and watch yourself gain in confidence and ability to manage. Your MS family here will be with you all the way.
We are all here for you don’t let people who want to take all that you and your husband had away from you. Be strong. I don’t know what you are going through but remember they don’t know what you are going through let them move on back to Washington. Let them know that please don’t be nice in saying it’s ok just stand up and say good bye.
I had a sister in law that needed someone to take care of her child my mom was near her last stages of cancer, not in a good way. I knew if I said let me think about it she would have brought her daughter over my house and then I would have been stuck with her for a very long time. I had my own 2 year old son that I loved dearly I didn’t need her 6 year old that didn’t listen to anyone. So I said NO. I told my mother in law and she said to me that I did the right think.
What I am trying to say just say NO I don’t need your help.
Good luck stay strong and when they do leave you can be with your thoughts.
I've heard it said that people should not make any major changes in the first year after the loss of a spouse. I can see in your case that is very true.
Oh my dear Bygonelines I give you the strength and love to stand up for yourself! It's never easy, but the payoff is priceless! And your doing a wonderful job! 💕
You have resources, and you need to start taking advantage of them. Socal service is one of them. Even on disability you have access to some. Call MSAA and let them help! Times like this you call anyone and everyone! Just to get the ball rolling.
You already are a strong woman! And strong enough to so no to toxic people in your life!
Just an update... Yesterday was very hard. A friend of mine insisted I come out to the church where her family was holding their Thanksgiving dinner. She said it wasn't good to stay home and only leave the house when I had to do something for the funeral. I knew she was right, so I went. It was nice. I was surprised that I knew so many of the 125 people that were there. I knew probably half of them and never realized that they were all part of the same large extended family.
I have made some decisions. My church has agreed to help me out by paying my mortgage through March. So I will put the house on the market in February or first of March. I have found a mobile home park to move to that has a lot space I can afford. Hopefully, they will have a mobile come up for sale then and I can just pay cash for it.
I have also made the extremely difficult decision to rehome my service dog. She had her annual visit at the vets on Wednesday and they said she can no longer do service work. I am devastated, but I can not afford to keep her and have a service dog. With Keith passing away I need a dog who can help me by picking up the things I drop, bringing me my medications, turning lights on and off, opening doors, bring me the phone, pull my walker to me, call 911, etc. I don't like to pick up things I drop because 90% of the time that I fall it is because I have bent over to pick something up from the ground.
I have also told my family that I will be staying in Utah for at least 1 year, probably more so I can finish my schooling and have it paid for 100%. I told them I need to do this for myself and to prove to myself that MS has not beaten me and I can make it on my own. They were not happy at all but they agreed to it, mostly because they have no choice.
Every day I have to tell myself, "I am stronger than I think I am" and "I am woman, hear me roar". I know it sounds silly but it helps me. I could not make it through this without my friends and boatloads of constant prayer.
Jacqui I agree with everyone's advice. You appear as a very strong individual - embrace the word NO, I've found it to be empowering and freeing. The only person you are responsible to, is yourself and your Dog.
Good lord your crazy if you go. Stay away. You have suffered a trauma. You need to hel. You need a healthy calm atmosphere. Your family can do what you are doing. Pray for help. It’s not your job to fix everyone. God is quite capable. If they do there part.
Speaking as someone who who has a toxic family member...stay as far away as possible!! You will be much better off for it. They will eat you up until there is nothing left for them then toss you like last week's smelly trash. Don't let them guilt trip you into anything either.
Take all the time you need to heal and grieve before making any major decisions.
Talk to MSAA to see if they can help you with a financial advisor to help you sort out what you need and can afford with what you have. He/She might be able to help you find a way to keep your current dog and get a new service animal.
Several years ago I was on a flight and a woman boarded with a miniature horse as her service animal. She was seated 2 rows ahead of me and I asked her about it when I got the chance. She was blind and had balance issues as well. She said that the horse can do all the same things a dog can for her and it costs about the same to train a horse as a dog. Plus a horse has a much longer life span than most large dog breeds. Most miniature horses are about the same size as a Great Dane with a similar build. Just something to consider.
The airline I think it was Delta. They removed a seat to accommodate the horse and it had a special harness attached to protect it during take off and landing as well as any turbulence.
Dear Friend, I read & re-read your post from 4mos ago. I've just now joined the group or would have responded sooner. There are absolutely no words that I could possibly say that would even begin to touch what you were feeling that night, possibly & most probably continue to feel. Please believe that you are not alone, there's a light at the end of the tunnel & plenty of people who really relate. How are you today? I do care! 🌷🌹🌺🌻🌼
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