How do you deal telling ppl you can't visit the hospital?

This is sort of a rant. My mom was put into the hospital Saturday for phuniona with the MRSA infection. My dad keeps asking me to go see her, my brothers keep calling me to see how she's doing. I keep trying to explain to them that l cant go and see her. Because l will get severely ill. My dad is blaming me for this. Like its my fault. I am in touch with her Dr and he is keeping me updated but to be made to feel guilty over something l have no control over is breaking my heart and piss in me off at the same time. How do l explain this better to them? I really need some ideas here plz.

27 Replies

  • Are you on a medication that weakens your immune system?

    If so,perhaps providing your family with education about your medication would help.

    If you have a weakened immune system, perhaps explaining that to them could help.

    Whatever your reason for not visiting your mom is, explain clearly and rationally what your reason is. That is if you really want to explain to them.

  • Dear Jesmcd2, that's a tough one. Maybe you'll have to show them what you're talking about. I don't know, but you'll feel really bad if something happens to your mother without seeing her.

    Be strong and I wish you luck.

  • Don't get me wrong l do want to see my mom, but l also know that l will catch anything under the sun with my immune system. What l cant deal with is my dad and brothers blaming me like this is all my fault. Before ms l was the one that went out of town to the hospitals with her. For wks at a time. I can't physically do it anymore. Seems to me it's time for them to step up. And my dad has got to stop blaming me, and making me feellike shit.

  • Hi Jesmcd2, This is my first post. I don't have MS--well, not diagnosed yet. I agree with the nurse who suggested you maybe ask for protective gear while at the hospital visiting your Mother. I understand the family issues as I've dealt with that kind of thing for a long time. However, if you do want to see your mother and you are afraid for your health--take the precautions. Also, I fully support you. I understand how hard it is to have family "after you". Maybe giving them a full explanation of why you are terrified of going to the hospital will help. Do they not realize you have MS and/or immune system issues? Or, do they think you are "faking"? If it's the latter, I'm not sure how to advise. Maybe give them links to sites about MS??? I wish you the best and good luck! Stay strong!

  • I think that's exactly what you need to tell them. I've had to tell my friends no visits if they have any sniffles or anything else that I might catch. Sounds like you were your Mom's top caregiver and now it's their turn to help her and you. Explain your weakened immune system and the fatigue that is all part of MS.. Best to you, Lynn

  • I'm sorry to be hearing about your mother and the situation you're in. I have just a few suggestions...

    I'm an RN; there are precautions you can take if you do go visit. They are able to have you don gloves, gown, mask...the like to prevent any contact. That will be of benefit to you.

    Second, I'd suggest you educated your family. No secrets...

    I pray this helps.


  • Try to but it's still not enough. Basically it comes down to, lm only thinking of myself. There is no win in this.

  • If you are strong enough to go, contact precautions sounds like a great option so that you can get out of the hot seat.

  • This way you all can win. I'm sure you're concerned about your mom, and there will be no harm, no foul. Taking the precautions will make the visit safe for you.

  • I'm sorry you are going through this. I, personally, don't feel we owe anybody any explanations. All we can do is try to help educate them on our MS. You may mention this to your neurologist for suggestions or help in communicating better to them. Unfortunately, MS has a way of making some relationships much stronger and others get very strained. I can attest to both. Good luck. I know it is hard. Don't beat yourself up. That is not good for your MS, either. Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your mom, too.

  • Jesmcd2, hi, it's Fancy1959. Have you talked to your doctor and your neurologist? With a proper safety mask, would it be possible for them to allow you to visit your mother?

    What is your current therapy? It's probably due to your Mother being ill with the MRSA lung infection that they are prohibiting your visits to her. My Neurologists has always told me that people with MS have an overactive immune system, not an under performing immune system.

    Now you've got me curious. Jesmcd2, could you please let me know when you find out. Thanks Fancy1959

  • Most disease modifying therapies weaken the immune system

  • Are there ways you can be supportive to your mom, and family from afar? Something you can do for them in their home? Perhaps to lessen your sense of guilt and make them understand you care? And I concur with all above regarding protective gear. That said, if you are concerned about respiratory infection, best to don the mask as you enter the hospital not just in mom's room.

  • I feel for you, but having 2 ppl with MRSA doesnt help the family one bit. I also have always been the one going with my family to appointments/hospitals and taking care of my aging parents the most out of my siblings. Im 27 and just moved back in with them since diagnosis a year ago. I think Ive set a precedent now where all my family knows that if Im willing & able, I try to help out in every way possible. But with that being said, we have to look out for ourselves now too, especially if you have taken a strong immunosuppressant such as Gilenya/Lemtrada among others. Your family cant just simply forget all the times you helped. Explain this to them and try to help out in other ways. Youre keeping tabs on her with the doctor which is great. Could you help with chores she needs to get done around her house? Could you make your Dads job easier by doing something for him outside the hospital that relieves stress for him? Just throwing out ideas, but sounds like youve done all you canin the past. Its a horrible position to be in but dont be hard on yourself. You are not being selfish and unfortunately this is one of the horrible guilts that comes with this terrible disease.

  • My immune system is shoot. I seem to get whatever is going around and it puts me out of commission for days. I have been like that for the longest time, now with Ms it's even worse. I try to explain that to my dad and l get oh l forgot. I have been making meals for him to take home. Ask if he wants me to dog sit and he declines. My dad is the strong on in the family. Ex state trooper ugh. And he doesn't share much. He didn't even tell me about the MRSA l had to find that out from the dr. It can be very very fustrating. He likes to keep my mom in a bubble where everything is ok.

    What kills me is she had been in a nursing home since Feb and got to go home finally on Friday. My dad called the ambulance on Saturday for her. I don't get it! If she was better to go home then how in the h*** did she get so sick so fast???? I'm pissed and fustrated. As of yesterday she is still in ICU with a ventalater along with rubes to get the fluids out of her lungs.

    Thank you for letting me vent. I'm really scared.

  • Please help me out here. Are you all in the same town? If so, why can't one of them take you?

  • I am in the same town, actually 3 blocks from the hospital. One of my brothers is in Alaska and the other is 2 hrs away. My problem is, is that my immune system is very low. I will catch anythin and everything. And it will put me out for a wk. As in fever excessive sleeping and nausea. Have also been hospitalized for it. Which does no one any good. At this point lm going to have to risk it and go see her. I can't sit back anymore. And my dad is sugar coating it and the dr is closed today.

  • My only thought would be to wear a mask and wash your hands before you leave and at home. I don't think you would forgive yourself if anything happened to her, and you didn't see her.

  • Oh by the way I obviously missed the earlier posts so please forgive the dumb question and redundant advice :/ I hope you can see your mom. As for family...well...I have sibling issues too so....I think you just make sure you do what you can and let them be judgmental all they want...because they will be..and know in your own heart you did your best for your mom. That's the peaceful place I had to come to and trust me, it's peaceful. Plus my husband has MS and he didn't need all that stress either.

  • Hi I'm sorry that you're going through this and I do hope your mother gets better. To go through life is hard enough but to do it with a condition like ours puts the icing on the hardship cake. And sometimes we have people in our lives who like to add sprinkles. I too have had problems with my family not accepting or understanding my present state. You know most people live by the "seeing is believing" motto, sadly sometimes those are the people in our lives. The problem with that is MS is not always sightseen and people who are like that don't understand nor do they make the effort too.

    Before my present state I used to be the go-to family member. And I enjoy doing things for my family, going that extra mile for them. Once I was diagnosed I dismissed a lot of symptoms and continued that role but my condition just hit me harder. Well I couldn't do the things I used to anymore for them some of them too saw me as someone who had deserted them. When attempted to explain 1 family members said that I had a problem with her and suggested that I was too cowardly to admit it. I try to be a optimistic person, always remembering the good times and it does work in terms of my attitude towards them. I just dismiss her behavior towards me as non-existent and realizing most of it was denial of my condition. I say this because when I was hospitalized for a week those particular family members showed up looking very surprised. For the others I showed them videos, I'd recorded on my phone, of my doctor's visit and some I even invited to consultation with my doctor. Upon seeing my MRI scans and having them explain by a specialist, they started to take my disease seriously. Lol I'm sorry I didn't mean to go on this long, I just wanted to let you know that I understand, in a minut way, what you're going through. I also wanted to leave this with you so you'd know you're not unheard 1st Peter 5:7, Philippines 4: 6 & 7. As well as this hope for a future Isaiah 33:24, Revelations 21:4

  • I called my dad yesterday to pick me up to go to the hospital and it just so happened he was already there. Along with my mom's Dr he is also my Dr l asked him if it was ok for me to see her and got a very forceful NO. He explained to me that she not only has MRSA but now has C-dff. This is beginning to kill me. My mom is my best friend we talk every day. She needs to get better and soon. The Dr told me he will let me know when l can go in, and my brother is coming down today also. He will give me an update also.

  • Jesmcd2 you are in my prayers. My mom is my best friend to and we talk everyday. May God be with you and your mother tonight.

  • That's a bittersweet moment I know. You can't see or touch your mother while she's going through this, I know, has to be hard, but to have your father, I assume, hear that- hopefully- gives you and your family another beam of support as you all go through this hard time

  • You can't make them change. You only can change how you feel or react. It's an acceptance thing on both sides. Acceptance of they are who they are at this time and an acceptance that you have MS, an auto immune disease. You know what's best for you not them. Make peace with the fact you have MS as much as possible.

    I can relate because my family also is in denial. I was the caregiver/glue that held the family together before getting MS. Now that I have to put myself first. Which is one of the many lessons MS has taught me and is a necessity. My family does not like this or accept this because it does not serve them. This is human nature when anyone or thing changes; it is going to take time for people to accept. Sometimes some people stay stuck in denial because they don't have the coping skills to change. This is okay too. Focus on you accepting and making peace with the MS. Than what other people do or don't do won't impact you as much. You'll be standing strong in who you are:) Good luck my MS friend!

  • Hi there sweetie I am so sorry about your Mom, I don't know exactly your situation and how comfortable you feel and what type of MS you have but I can share with you my experience and maybe that might help. My Mom also had MRSA and Shingles and was in the hospital and I have had MS for 20 years and it is Secondary Progressive. My Mother's health had been declining and in March of this year she suddenly became very ill and was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit at the hospital. I put on a gown and gloves and a mask and I went in to be with my Mom who was so sick I was using everything inside of me to hold back the tears. My Mom was waiting for me to come see her before she passed away just two hours later. It was worth it to tell my Mother I love her one last time before she went to to be with the Lord and she was suffering so much but so pleased and happy just to see my face and hold my hand. I wish you luck in your decision, I pray your gets better. Blessings Bubbles

  • Bubbles2318 l am so sorry for your lost. I just can't imagine going through that. My mom is out of intensive care now and doing so much better. Lord knows that if she got worse l would have been there in a second. Thank you for your support:) it means so much to me.

    Once again lm sorry about your mom, hugs to you.

  • Update on my mom :) she gets to go home on monday! Yeah! Just waiting for the visiting nurses to be set up.

    Thank you all for your support, truly means alot to me :)

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