New to OCD

[boymom1988]

I'm new to OCD, but confused about whether I have scrupulosity, or existential or just a bit of both? In the past I have obsessed about whether there is a God, if so, which God. I had major compulsions of research, books, seeking reassurance, etc. I would settle on Christianity and then would either move into obsessing about factors within christianity, free will vs the elect, salvation, hell etc and I do the same research compulsions and then find a moment of piece until of course I heard another perspective, but sometimes I would hear something that would make me doubt whether there was a God at all. I'm not sure if I need to do exposures towards whether there is a God at all, or exposures of never being sure if there is only one correct religion, etc? I guess what I mean is, should I just be not doing any work within Christianity and assuming I don't know what I believe, or do I exposures assuming I'm a believer?

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate]

Hey boymom,

Are you working with a therapist on your exposures? A professional would truly be the best person to aid you in deciding which exposures to tackle first.

As far as subtypes, I have both existential and scrupulosity and I find that there can be so much overlap between the two that they're difficult to tease apart. The good thing is I don't really need to figure them out because the treatment is the the same for both: ERP.

It sounds like you have a lot of questions centering on your beliefs and whether you're truly a believer or not. I can imagine that's really really hard as you must value your faith a lot. Are you able to sit with the uncertainty at all?

I have found that with these types of questions the best thing I could do to interrupt that cycle of rumination and compulsive researching was to sit with the uncertainty and accept that there was no real answer. Once I stopped trying to solve the problem/answer the question I was able to step away from the obsession a bit and move toward something I value instead.

I hope this helps!

Wishing you all the best,

Alex

[boymom1988 in reply to alexandraisobsessed]

Thank you for replying & the feedback. I’ve just started seeing a therapist & am newly diagnosed. I see him Tuesday & we are supposed to start ERP. I keep seeing part about sitting in the uncertainty & accepting there is no answer. I guess my question is how do I ever develope a world view? How do I ever figure out if I do identify as a Christian if I’m always sitting in uncertainty & accepting there is no answer. I’m not sure I’m making sense?

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate in reply to boymom1988]

You're definitely making sense and I'm really glad you're going to start ERP soon. That's amazing!Questions around identity and beliefs are so hard because we value them so much and that's exactly why OCD loves to latch onto them and cause doubt.

In my experience, rediscovering my identity and my values came slowly and naturally as I progressed in ERP. Once I learned to identify my obsessions and resist compulsions I felt more confident in moving toward my values and aligning myself with them.

I hope that made sense!