Will I explode?

I don't know how to cope in life, I have known for as long as I can remember that I am not normal like everybody else. I shut everybody out and act as if I have no emotions and I know it comes across as if I don't care. I just hate myself, My life, and everything that has happened so far and I cant see anything positive coming from me being here. I've only ever had horrible nasty partners. But I feel as if it is my own fault. I let people say and do whatever they like to me I can't deal with anything that is going on in my head. I just want to know why I am the way I am.


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5 Replies

  • Hey hun, I feel like im reading something i would have written. I feel exactly the same way! But i have just started therapy, through desperation really, i just cant cope with being in this situation, or feeling like this forever. Not everyone can cope alone, its ok to ask for help. Someone on here quoted that 'depression is not a sign of weakness, its a sign of being strong for too long', i thought that was perfect. Its ok to admit when things get too much. Try not to push people away, they can be what keep you going, easier said than done, i dont think we always know when were doing it, and sometimes they are just not the right people.

    You take care xx

  • Hi

    It sounds as though you are carrying around a lot of very difficult emotions about yourself, your life and what has happened to you. That suggests you have had a hard time while growing up and that as a result you are unable to love yourself. I also grew up wondering what was wrong with me, wondering why I was not like everyone else, and eventually came to understand how unloveable I feel even though I do know now that I am loved and in some ways always was. It's difficult to find someone to love us as we want to be loved, when we are unable to love ourselves or even like ourselves. It sounds as though it would be helpful for you to talk with someone about what has happened in your life so far. You could perhaps get help from a therapist if you feel that would be helpful as gradually being understood by someone else does enable us to come to know why we are the way we are. I can now tell my story and understand my feelings. It doesn't make me magically happier, but it does enable me to find happiness at times and to feel loveable and loved at times. You need to talk with someone, preferably a professional, and your GP could refer you to a psychotherapy service, there will probably be one in the nearest city to you. The GP may suggest counselling, but hatred of yourself and your life is not likely to shift with six sessions of counselling which is all that might be available. In the meantime you could start by telling your story here. Sometimes just saying what has happened can begin to make sense of things. I found that was true for me. Suexx

  • I used to act exactly the same way when I was younger Jayne. I was protecting myself from my destructive family. I didn't want to be hurt any more. I got away from my family and learnt a lot of things - some good and some bad - about life and people. I went through quite a lot of therapy and came to some understanding of why I was like that. It did help a lot.

    Bev x

  • Oh dear Jayne. I so hope that you reading the replies that your call for help has evoked. Feeling hurt, worthless and unimportant is caused by you not liking yourself in the first place and then while you are depressed these feelings are magnified. Three years ago I did, as you say, explode. There was a voice in my head that was screaming and I not only felt hated but I felt that I hated everyone too. All I wanted was a corner somewhere where I could disappear from the world and be left alone there for as long as I wanted. There isn't a person on this earth who doesn't feel "good enough" at times but you and I and a few hundred others who have suffered with depression feel it much worse. I am truly worried about you Jayne. From what you have written I can tell that you are a really nice girl who is having a really dark time of it at the moment.

    Hopefully you will reply and we can talk again, or you may well keep writing to another person who has reacted to your plea for help. Whatever it is that you need on an humane and caring basis Jayne, I am probably one of a few who is more than willing to help you.

    Bless you sweetheart. You truly are not on your own any more.

  • I am a believer that we attract the energy we give out, what is normal? It is a perception and everyone is different, so this makes you unique. How does it feel to know that you are unique? I feel a lot of emotion from your post and this shows that you do care, and do have emotions but maybe you're struggling at the moment. Have you been to see your doctor or a counsellor to discuss how you feel, this may help you not feel so alone and isolated. Have you thought about an assertiveness course to help you stand up to others and for yourself? You may be able to get this through the health service if you are in the UK. You may consider buying some Rescue Remedy by bach, (ask your gp first), it is a homeopathic remedy that helps balance you, again only with your GP's say so. Try to get out in natural daylight for at least 20mins a day whatever the weather is like, this boosts the serotonin levels in the brain and helps to lift you mood. I have a mantra that I use on a daily basis, to lift my spirits:

    I can do it!

    I am good enough!

    I know I will succeed!

    I will make it work!

    I will be kind to myself

    You might consider keeping what I call an 'Exorcise book' and in this book you write all your thoughts, feelings, frustrations, keep writing until you feel you have got it all out, don't read back because this reinforces it again, just keep turning pages. You are not alone, you have worth, you are amazing, you are unique.

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