Where to now?

[Blueboy65]

I've been a reader of posts on this forum for a long time, this is my first time posting though.

I think I've always had this melancholy feeling, or at least that's how it started. As a boy growing up I was very awkward and shy, physically skinny with no self confidence. I never had a girlfriend, when all my friends started down that road I was left behind.

I used to take refuge in music. I enjoyed the feeling of self pity I think and of the hurt and sorrow in the songs I would listen to. Sadly this became the norm and as I got older the shyness and awkwardness got worse, the longer it went on the more certain I was that no girl would ever look at me. So I kept on burying myself in my music and embracing the feelings of sadness it brought.

Then at 17 my father died suddenly and I was left to take care of my mother. The years went by, I had a job I enjoyed but was always lonely and craved a partner, the older I got the less likely it seemed.

The depression really started with a vengeance 25 years ago. I was at work one day and it felt like everything was pushing in on me, I was shaking, felt weak, felt incredibly tired. It was hard to have the energy to even speak. I saw a GP and was prescribed AD's which made me feel worse. After a couple of months of this he stopped them and I went back to coping as best I could but I was never the same person.

A year or so later I could feel it getting worse again so back I went to the GP. This time I was prescribed a different AD but sadly with the same result.

Life became a miserable existence, trudging through mud, never feeling anything except misery and hopelessness. I found it hard to understand, I knew in many ways I was lucky, I had a job, somewhere to live, a few friends. I found myself in the abyss though, then I quit my job and suddenly although I didn't think it possible, everything got much, much worse.

At work I knew most everyone and enjoyed feeling part of something, suddenly that was all gone and I was working alone - it was hell.

I was also still taking care of my mother who's own health had seriously deteriorated and was now suffering with dementia. I think this alone would be enough to push many people over the edge but coupled with my own mental health issues, well it's hard to explain how unbearable it became.

Then a chink of light, or so I thought. My local GP employed a dedicated mental health expert and I made an appointment to see him. He was great, very understanding and explained everything, particularly why the first courses of AD's didn't work. He reassured me that he had the answers and would make me well again.

Long story short, we went through about 4 or 5 different types of AD's over the course of a year or so, the side effects of some were truly awful but I persevered. None of them worked but I wasn't concerned as he had told me that he had so many different things we could try.

The last time I saw him he said to me, "maybe this is just who you are and what you're like - there's no point in trying anything else". I left the clinic a broken man, destroyed. If a professional mental health expert tells me this then what hope is there for me? I am staring in to the blackness of the rest of my miserable life. I have no joy in anything anymore. The music that sustained me for so long means nothing, I have no job and no future except the pain and heartbreak of caring for my mother as she slips down the spiral of dementia.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi there Blueboy,

Welcome belatedly to our supportive community. Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. Hopefully, you will find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences. And as you have been observing us for a while, you will know how supportive this community is, warts and all!

I am concerned that neither your GP's nor the professional mental health person, has been able to offer you some hope and alternatives. I wonder was the MH pro a mental health nurse, psychiatrist, psychologists or counsellor? It doesn't seem professional to me to make promises that he/she had 'all the answers and could make you well', only to give up on you. No health professional worth their salt should make those sort of claims! MH conditions are complex, and there so many contributing factors that may cause or sustain them. There are not only different medications available, but also a range of other therapies such as talking therapies, which in themselves vary e.g Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT), Person-centred counselling, Psychodynamic psychotherapy to name a few. Each has a different theoretical basis, aim and focus and training. Often therapists train for many years in a number of these to offer a combination of approaches. There is no one size fits all in therapies, as there isn't with medication. Sometimes it does require trial and error.

Do you have a local community mental health referral service, and many allow self-referral. These are called IAPT (Improving access to psychological therapies), here's a link for more information and follow the links to put in your postcode to see what's available in your area:

england.nhs.uk/mental-healt...

nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psych...

nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSs...

Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides. As you live in the UK keep these crisis support helplines handy:

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

MIND UK charity: Helpline Tel: [phone] [e-mail] Text: 86463 mind.org.uk/information-sup...

SANEline Tel: [phone] [4.30pm – 10.30pm daily] sane.org.uk/

It is possible to learn to with a long-term condition, to improve quality of life, for which there is help out there to support you and help you move forward out the stuck place you seem to be in.

Keep in touch! Ok folks what can you suggest to help this new member?

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[Stilltrying_]

Blueboy it troubles me that there are so many people "in need" on this site and so few answers often. I can be guilty of not answering myself at times, but i just want you to know that if you don't get many answers it isn't because your need isn't great or that anything you wrote was uninteresting or wrong in any way.

I'm going to try and write a reply to you now from my own experience. It is nice to know that you have been reading posts and I hope that some may have been able to help you. The anti-depressant thing, you were very persistent with trying all those different meds and what a shame that none of them could help. I have tried one or two but given up quite easily as I just couldn't take the side effects. I have also had a similar experience as you as in being promised everything by various mental health professsionals and then being left with very little.

It is very very diffficult both for us and the mental health professionals when these feelings of (in my case) desperation, in your case low mood persist indefinately. My experience has been that i've had several care co-ordinators but their job lasted just a few weeks before they were moved on somewhere else. The one in particular promised me the earth; she was going to visit every week, she was going to do therapy with me and so on and then boom first two were cancelled saw her twice and then she was moved. Now there isn't one available at all despite them knowing of my desperate state.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist she asked had I tried mindfulness ? (Yes and it does nothing for me) and then she said that maybe as I frequently had suicidal feelings I just had to learn to live with them. Which is impossible of course. Just because I feel like that constantly does not make them bearable.

One thing I have now tried is lithium. It can help in some cases of entrenched depression. I've started on a very low dose of 200mg and haven't noticed any improvement yet but hopefully once my body has adjusted to the meds they can increase it.

Another thing I am doing is paying for private therapy. I don't think from the sound of it that you have the means for this? Your actual situation is very depressing if you are now a carer for your mum with no job and so on . Is there anyone else who is able to help you out with looking after your mum? It is extremely demanding and draining on anyone to deal with someone with dementia. You should definately find some more support for yourself in this regard. Also Is it possible for you to look for some part time work or voluntary work to keep you occupied just for one day a week, somewhere cheerful and different from your everyday routine to give yourself a break.

There ARE no easy answers I'm afraid. I'm at the stage of giving my own life one last attempt at a push because my father is still alive at 95 and ending it now would seem a bit too selfish. Sometimes i do wonder if it's realistic to promise us that we can get better as some of don't, but I do believe in pulling out all the stops, so if there's something you haven't tried or somewhere you haven't reached out to then now is the time to do it. If you have any private funds available either now or in the future I'd suggest a psychodynamic therapist. Look in the counselling directory of UKCP online to find a good therapist. Also the NHS do do some therapy which can be worthwhile.

Hope this helps, and sorry if i've missed some salient points. Please feel free to write again and put me straight. I do my best but in a bad way myself at the moment.

Gemma xx

[everyrose]

Hi BlueBoy,

Welcome to the site and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have had a very difficult time.

I really felt for you when I read what the mental health expert said to you. Professional support is so important to maintaining hope and there are brilliant Drs, nurses and therapists our there who won't give up on you. Personally I have found that finding the right GP - who understands you, offers support, but also knows when and how to seek specialist support - has been an absolute lifesaver.

I agree with everything that MAS Nurse has said - no mental health professional should ever give up like that and there is always something else to try. Therapy can be really helpful. I have also been through an experience like yours of trying loads of different antidepressants without success. I would really push for a medication review with a psychiatrist/community mental health team as they have a really extensive knowledge of antidepressants which match different symptom profiles and also how they can be combined and augmented.

This might sound like an odd question, but do you know what recovery would be like for you? What are the things you would like to be able to do again and the feelings you have lost touch with?

I also wondered whether you had any support- either practically or emotionally - with caring for your mum? Carers peer support groups can give you chance to meet up and share with people in similar situations. Also there may be charities that could offer you help with respite.

Let us know how you are. We're listening 😊

[Blueboy65]

Thank you all for your replies, I very much appreciate the time taken and I know you are all going through your own private hell.

I'll try to answer the questions in one post if that's ok?

The most salient one being from everyrose who asked did I know what recovery would be like for me? This is something I discussed with the MH professional during our first meeting. I told him that I wasn't expecting miracles, actually I didn't want a miracle. I just wanted an end to this dreadful feeling of helplessness, apathy, disinterest and hopelessness. Just to feel like there is something worth sticking around for, that tiny spark of happiness in the simple things in life - a hot shower after a good days work, the feeling of accomplishing something no matter how small, actually looking forward to something - be it a day at the seaside or a coffee in town. For me I don't think it's about feeling happy, more about not feeling empty and hopeless.

As for having anyone help with taking care of my mother - well I have siblings but they have all but disappeared and left me to it. I'm not a martyr, no one asked me to take care of her but I couldn't bear the thought of putting her in a home so I did it. I knew it would be hard, in the early stages it was really hard, now it's indescribably difficult for me. It's a multi edged sword really, seeing my mother suffer with this terrible disease everyday, suffering with the burden of trying to manage it and her affairs, watching what's left of my own future (such as it is) slip away along with any hopes of decent employment and of course the spectre of financial calamity. The ultimate irony is that for some reason a couple of my siblings resent what I am doing and now don't even speak to me. I can only assume it's guilt on their part as they never visit or phone mum, but I'm at the stage where I'm too tired to even care.

Regarding the MH experts promises - looking back now I can see his promises were inappropriate although at the time it did give me a lot of hope for the future. Unfortunately the experience has put me off seeking further 'expert' help. I try to read as much as I can on the subject and I read other people's stories on here. Sometimes I read about someone who has also suffered for many years and suddenly found a way through back in to the light - that gives me hope. Recently I read about the research and trials being carried out using ingredient contained in some 'magic mushrooms', apparently it is able to reset the brain of depressed people and allow them to write new pathways and methods of thinking.

Ultimately though, I believe that taking care of someone close who is suffering from dementia would be crippling for someone who wasn't blighted with depression so I don't see a way out until my mother has gone. That sounds terribly harsh and it makes me feel guilty just writing it but it is the cold hard truth. It truly is a vicious circle.

Thank you again for your kind words and advice, it does help being able to talk.

[Stilltrying_]

You may have a point. I have helped out at alzheimers cafes. Have you heard of these as they may be available in your area. The main thing about them is that they have attached to them workers who are there to support the carers. The cafes often involve singing as people with alzheimers tend to remember songs from their youth and it can bring a smile to their faces as well as quizzes about "old" facts they may have learned at school.

I agree that caring for anyone with this condition is very waring for someone who is well. For someone with difficulties like yourself you need to watch yourself that you don't go right down into the abyss if and when the end comes for your mum. It is at that point that you will need support more than anything. I would try and factor in some "me" time NOW if you possibly can. Your siblings sound ridiculous but I can believe it; as you say it sounds like guilt.

I can only imagine how totally exhausted you are by all of this, but please do know that we care on here. You say about not putting your mum in a home. Is it time if it's becoming too much to consider this? Having said that it is not an easy process but social services can help. You may just have to make your siblings face up to a bit of responsibility if you announce that you are simply unable to cope and ask very specifically for whatever support eg making arrangement to visit care homes that you require from them.

Sorry once again if I'm "off point" Not really too on the ball but I really feel for your situation and your isolation.

[Blueboy65]

I wouldn't believe the situation with my siblings either as it is unbelievable but witnessing it first hand at least has taught me a valuable lesson. Family isn't necessarily people related to you, rather people who step up and stick by you.

Regarding the near future I hope to secure more daycare visits as this will give me some respite and headspace. Right now I find that the old saying of one day at a time is most apt.

[Stilltrying_]

How's things now Blueboy65? Gemma x