I am such a mess and I dont know where to start

[thatlisagirl]

...or where to begin, again. I have been in a mild depression for years. I havent taken any medication for it, but I used physical activity as my medication; that and relationships that I thought were healthy. Ever since I was a kid, I had self-esteem issues because my father looked at whatever I did as if it was not good enough. I knew my mother loved me and accepted me, but it was like a mission to get my dads approval. Anyway, when I was 21, I joined the Navy and boot camp was a shock for me, and one particular company commander, who made a mission out of trying to break me down...he never could because I was so used to it from the way my dad talked down to me. I thought I needed the Navy to learn discipline and structure, but the Navy was where I figured out that I was actually smart and really grew as a person, to be on my own. While there, I met somebody at a party, who I had no idea at the time would make a lasting impression on my future life.

When I came back to civilian life, I got jobs, but also gained a lot of weight because the best paying job for me required mostly sitting. I felt so alone and became a home body who only went to work, shopping and home. I felt like this creature that didnt deserve anything nice or fun because i was so fat and I remember looking at these cool places online that I would love to go to, but was afraid of being laughed at for going.

So, I met this cool lady on MySpace who lived close to me, who invited me to go to Stone Mountain with her. As afraid as I was to go...I went. That started my discovery that it was ok and I started climbing the mountain with her or by myself and started cycling and i started losing weight and felt better about myself. Then, the friend I had met at the party in the Navy had contacted me and we met for dinner. She talked about wanting to be more active and I shared some of the things I was doing and she wanted to join in, and did. That was 2012. Then the relationship turned into a romance, then changed back to friendship and then two or three blowouts that would last for months. As of January 2018, I am not friends with her anymore because it took these experiences to learn that our friendship/relationship realm is only okay as long as it was exactly what she wanted without regard for anyone else. It was narcissism. It makes me sad, because the years I spent weekends and days off with her on our adventures were the best in my entire life. The soul-tie connection I had with her was like no other with anybody else in my life- but it had to stop because it was so narcissistic.

I recognize, now, that I back to where I was before I started on my discovery that it should be okay to do what is your hearts content...but its not content- its just blank. I understand that this is something I alone am going to have to face to get through, but where? I don't have many friends that I feel that I can trust, but its not their place to try to help me fix me.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello and welcome to this caring and supportive community thatlisagirl.

Actually you seem a very well adjusted person, yes you have had some failed relationships. However you recognise them for what they are, you know what you don't want which some people never work out. So please cut yourself some slack and look forward putting all the difficult relationships behind you and move bravely forward.

You also have worked out what works for you as far as raising your mood. Perhaps you need a little help which talking to your GP or even a counsellor can help with.

You may not feel content but you are certainly not a blank slate - you have the opportunity to be whoever, whatever You want. You have been so brave so far, and you are not alone.

Are there any adventure clubs you can join? Or try a new hobby?

Perhaps some of our community members can suggest ways for you to move forward?

Please keep in touch so that we can all hear how you are getting on. Good luck.

MAS Nurse.