...or where to begin, again. I have been in a mild depression for years. I havent taken any medication for it, but I used physical activity as my medication; that and relationships that I thought were healthy. Ever since I was a kid, I had self-esteem issues because my father looked at whatever I did as if it was not good enough. I knew my mother loved me and accepted me, but it was like a mission to get my dads approval. Anyway, when I was 21, I joined the Navy and boot camp was a shock for me, and one particular company commander, who made a mission out of trying to break me down...he never could because I was so used to it from the way my dad talked down to me. I thought I needed the Navy to learn discipline and structure, but the Navy was where I figured out that I was actually smart and really grew as a person, to be on my own. While there, I met somebody at a party, who I had no idea at the time would make a lasting impression on my future life.
When I came back to civilian life, I got jobs, but also gained a lot of weight because the best paying job for me required mostly sitting. I felt so alone and became a home body who only went to work, shopping and home. I felt like this creature that didnt deserve anything nice or fun because i was so fat and I remember looking at these cool places online that I would love to go to, but was afraid of being laughed at for going.
So, I met this cool lady on MySpace who lived close to me, who invited me to go to Stone Mountain with her. As afraid as I was to go...I went. That started my discovery that it was ok and I started climbing the mountain with her or by myself and started cycling and i started losing weight and felt better about myself. Then, the friend I had met at the party in the Navy had contacted me and we met for dinner. She talked about wanting to be more active and I shared some of the things I was doing and she wanted to join in, and did. That was 2012. Then the relationship turned into a romance, then changed back to friendship and then two or three blowouts that would last for months. As of January 2018, I am not friends with her anymore because it took these experiences to learn that our friendship/relationship realm is only okay as long as it was exactly what she wanted without regard for anyone else. It was narcissism. It makes me sad, because the years I spent weekends and days off with her on our adventures were the best in my entire life. The soul-tie connection I had with her was like no other with anybody else in my life- but it had to stop because it was so narcissistic.
I recognize, now, that I back to where I was before I started on my discovery that it should be okay to do what is your hearts content...but its not content- its just blank. I understand that this is something I alone am going to have to face to get through, but where? I don't have many friends that I feel that I can trust, but its not their place to try to help me fix me.