One day feeling like a hero, the next I hit zero... help!

[simplytim]

I have suffered from depression for a long time and have been on medication for the last two years following a moment where I hit rock bottom and attempted suicide.

There are days where I am absolutely fine, and other days where stress will trigger it off again and I find myself not only anxious and snappy, but I become another person, a vindictive bastard... then I realise I've hurt others and I'm filled with emotion, regret and remorse. I struggle with the slightest hint of stress and my blood pressure shoots through the roof!

I'm intelligent, hard working and have loads of integrity but I can't seem to hold down a job. I get the hell in over the slightest things and throw in the towel in a strop. I've been told that I am excellent with people, thus have always been in hospitality or PR.

I really need to understand where I am at. I know I need to be referred to a psychiatrist but don't have the financial means to see one. I know that pills mask the symptoms but I need to fix from deep within.

I feel far behind everyone my age (early forties), I feel that I want to thrive but hit a barrier and it is tough to climb over that wall.

Am I bipolar? I know I've got depression, anxiety and high blood pressure, but could it be something more?

HELP!

[ladeda]

Hi Simplytim, appologies ahead for my always long winded replies!

I think maybe every one of us has lost control in our lives, it’s human nature and the good thing is we can and do constantly learn techniques so that in the moment of losing it we can stop and move in a different direction.

I’m sorry to hear your battle with depression has gone on for so long and sure can identify with the fear of returning to rock bottom once you have visited that place. I know I have identified with depression all my life and finally come to the point where I try not to be afraid of it anymore and learnt to except these crazy emotions so that I can let them go as soon as possible and move on. Yes that’s certainly not easy but it really is achievable.

I presume you are not UK based if you have the worry of having to find the finances for a medical help? even when you can get a referral on the NHS it can be very difficult finding the right help as we are all individuals with our own unique inner language. But never give up on looking, there are so many voluntary organizations that offer free counseling and support groups are starting up all the time.

Connecting with people can be one of the most difficult things to do whilst in an episode of depression, but the benefits are so great it’s one that’s well worth perseverance with. Yes and of course finding a good councilor to work on your own individual issues can be top of your list. Please don’t give up because of lack of funds, help is out there and I hope you soon find it. But talking is no good if you don’t put in the effort to then work on these issues, like a diet, if you expect to see change within a week or month you could come down with a thud! But if you persevere you will see results eventually and then things can just get better and better.

I know for me I love healthy eating (sometimes too much) moderate exercise, meditation and mindfulness, I had so much difficulty doing these on my own to start with, so searched for someone to connect with to start me off, teach me techniques and basically give me the hope I needed that I could do it.

At one point I couldn’t leave my home and then chatted to a neighbor who also had a dog and for several months she knocked for me each day so that I would go out and sure enough after a while I was back to being able to be more like my normal self again and don’t even hesitate before going out and about trying new things and enjoying life again. But it took me connection with someone and time, refusing to have expectations of myself or time frames.

We all have such creative minds and can do anything we put our minds to, but not in unrealistic time frames! In my late forties I wanted to learn music and got a piano teacher, I lost count of the times I nearly gave up because I would beat myself up over not being able to learn as quick as I wanted! Luckily for me I had only taken it up because my youngest daughter wanted to learn, so we went through the grades together, there was then a ten year gap when I could no longer afford a teacher and luckily was far enough along to just enjoy playing, but I never progressed any further. Children all flown the nest I was able to go back to learning and having a teacher is so incredibly supportive, even in that it makes me realize that with effort I can eventually get to where I want to head and the journey is really part of the fun.

Sometimes it helps to sit down and write all the things that interest you, not the excuses why you don’t think you can do them, when they’re on paper it can sometimes help to see there is no reason you can’t give some or all of them a go. There is so much free stuff on the internet to either learn new skills, stress busters like guided meditations, you name it, its out there and with a little searching around you will find its also free and so much of it. There’s a lovely motivational TED talk on youtube that I love to occassionally listen to by Josh Kaughman, something like learn anything in 30 hours. You may not feel in the right place yet to leap into new things, but on a day when you don’t feel so bad perhaps give it a listen to and see if it can speak to your inner self?

Life is always going to come in waves and that you can never change, but you can learn to ride out any storm that comes your way, even if it takes you the next forty years to learn how, as you say yourself you know you have good days and bad days, by actively working towards changing how you react to your own thoughts and emotions you will have better days and cope with the bad ones much better.

Life is really worth living rather than just existing waiting for change to happen on it’s own.

Take care and lots of cyber hugs to you xxxx