Feeling very low.......

[ed14]

Is there anyone out there that I can talk too about my depression and feeling the lowest I have felt in a long time?

[secondhandrose2]

Hi,

Yes but it will help if you can say more about how you are feeling and what you understand about the reasons why.

Suex

[ed14]

Hi Sue

Sorry I was a bit vague, just didn't know what to type, I am 45 now, feel very much on my own, sadly can't have children, which still impacts on my life every day even though I try to block it out. I split with my ex two years ago, and can't find someone decent to share my life with.

My mum doesn't keep well, and to be honest, if it wasn't for her, I would rather not be here, I thought I had good friends, but I understand, they have their own lives to live, so I don't share how I am feeling, so I have turned to here.

Elaine x

[secondhandrose2 in reply to ed14]

Hi Elaine

Thanks for adding more info, it's easier to relate to you knowing a bit about you.

Oh that is sad, not being able to have children. I can see why that would continue to affect your life, and your mood.

You don't say whether splitting with your ex was your choice or his/hers, but whichever it is leaving you without a partner and feeling it, and I guess that will be making you more aware of the stage of life you are at and how life might have been.

It's good that you do have someone in your life - your mum - but can see why that is not enough, and as you say friends have their own lives to live and can only be turned to for help some of the time.

You say in your response to David that you have tried antidepressants but I am wondering whether you are working and if so whether you are financially in a position to see a therapist privately? I would suggest NHS therapy, but the reality is that you are only likely to be offered 6 weeks CBT which can be helpful for coping strategies ( you may want to try that anyway) but is unlikely to help you at a deeper level. My guess is that you need to really grieve the loss of your potential to have children. Also you do not say when you found out that you are unable to have children or what caused that impossibility, but I am wondering what has led you to have been unable to find a permanent partner by this stage of life, whether that was choice or is the result of factors relating perhaps to your upbringing. My fantasy is that perhaps you have not been able to fully separate from your mum, though I might be completely wrong with that thought!

CBT may help a little, longer term therapy, especially psychodynamic therapy perhaps in a group is likely to offer you deeper help.

In terms of finding a partner, sadly that is a problem for many people - and looking for a partner is unlikely to result in your finding someone with whom you find a long term satisfying relationship. I wonder whether you have particular interests that you might develop - despite the depression - in order to meet people and get to know them without thinking of them as potential partners?

All just thoughts, it takes time to understand people so sorry if I am off the mark with what I am saying.

Keep writing, the more you use the site the more help we all may be.

Suexx

[Hidden in reply to ed14]

HI Elaine nice to meet you. I understand exactly where you are coming from as I am 61, no kids and no partner. All my friends have this and spend most of their times with their families. It's not easy is it?

Like Sue says though at least you have got your mum, and some good friends. You can make a good life for yourself but I do think counselling could help you.

We all understand about depression on here so stay with us and we will help and support you all we can. Bev x

[ed14 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Bev very much, seeing my doctor soon, will discuss going on tablets again but I don't really want too.

And might have to go for private counselling as the waiting list for nhs is shocking.

Just coming on here when I can really helps, knowing you are not alone x

[Hidden in reply to ed14]

It does doesn't it? I don't know what I would do without my friends on here. Bev xx

[celtic2746]

hi ed weve all been there ive had depression for years which ive been getting help with ! have you been to your doctor and explained how you feel have you asked for.help if.not.its a good. time.to because the sooner.you get help the quicker you will get better !yes you can get better but everybody is different.good luck and take care david

[ed14]

Thanks David, I had been to the doctors, and have tried a couple of antidepressants but I feel worse, so decided to try and help myself the natural way, but now not helping and really at my wits end. I know Depression is such a common illness these days, but I just want to feel myself again.

[aeon456]

I get depression too and am online most days so free to chat on here. Do you take anti-depessants?

[aeon456]

Hi Ed. You might need to try a variety of different anti-depressants before you find one that suits, and they all tend to make you feel much worse for several weeks before you feel better. Alternatively you could try a natural anti-depressant - St John's Wort that you can get from health shops like Holland & Barrett - this is for milder depression though. In terms of finding another partner, I would keep looking - there are free online dating sites such a OK Cupid. Just being on the sites and chatting to different people can help you focus more outwardly. There's also online chat sites where you can chat in a group or one to one. Twitter can be good for exchanging views on all manner of topics.

Do you have any pets? They can be an invaluable source of company & dog walking can be a good way of getting out the house & meeting others.

[ed14]

Thanks everyone, been really helpful.

Sue, I left my partner after 8 years, he just pushed me to the edge emotionally, and one thing for sure, I do feel better in that sense, that I am away from him. I do feel ready for a new relationship, i think, although i doubt that most of the time, with the way I am feeling. Its just really hard to meet someone nice, and online dating, I just find there are some strange people, the more I try the more i get upset, so perhaps leave that for a while.

I like the idea of the therapy and will bring this up with my doctor the next time I am there, which will be sooner rather than later.

I started a new job two weeks ago, which is far closer to home, really nice people, and i feel i am myself there, but as soon as i leave, the emptiness returns, loneliness, feelings of self worth return, and no matter how hard i try to change its there with me, if that makes sense.

I did have some counselling when I found out I couldn't have children, but at the time I don't think I was ready to open up.

I saw a post on here that someone didn't like holiday times as they felt more lonely, and I know how that feels. Although mum and I are very close, I miss going away on holiday, all my friends are married and have children, and I almost find myself jealous when they are doing lovely things together, how bad a person does that make me feel.

I dread going into work tomorrow, as everyone will be talking about their weekend and mine was full of crying, self pity and long periods of feeling low.

Sorry for the rant, but it feels good to get this out.

x

[secondhandrose2 in reply to ed14]

Hi

Well it sounds as though you did the right thing getting out of the relationship when you did but it is difficult meeting someone new, I met my husband through Guardian Soulmates column and I know someone who met their partner through the Classic fm soulmates - I'm not sure whether either of those are your kind of thing - but it may be best to let things be for a while and sort yourself out first, find out why you chose someone who was not so good for you (sorry if I am getting that wrong...).

You do have to be ready for counselling, also I was thinking therapy rather than counselling, the kind of therapy which looks at you as a person rather than your depression which is only a part of you.

Don't think everyone will have had a good weekend, they will not, though people with families will have had a lot more going on than you. The only way I find to cope with holidays (I'm retired so now every day is a holiday!) is to set myself a task - I don't always manage it but it helps provide some structure. For example, this holiday I have cleared the garden of all the winter mess and since our garden is not easy to manage that provided me with a lot of work and has been satisfying, I feel much better for it. Another weekend it might just be a particular jigsaw, or knitting a particular item, or sorting through my wardrobe, or cooking soup for the week. Having a task makes it easier although I always have to push myself to make it happen and sometimes can't.

If you feel the people at work are really nice people you might tell the truth - not that you felt dreadful, but that you just had a quiet time at home because apart from your mum you don't have family locally and your friends were all tied up with their family. You could go on to say you had chatted with a friend online (me...) because that way you will not feel the odd one out and imagine people feel sorry for you

Do you have any hobbies or interests? I joined the Ramblers not so long ago, never imagined I would like walking, but love the coach trips out into the countryside and walking whilst chatting with some really lovely people. Also there are holidays where you can go alone. I know when you are depressed it is impossible to imagine doing those things, all I am saying is they do exist, so being alone need not mean being that way every minute of every day. What do you like doing?

Suex

[21esme]

Welcome Elaine,

So you don't feel so alone, I'm 44 and have not had children either. I don't regret it but do feel I have missed out. I too suffer from depression, low self esteem etc. as Sue has mentioned counselling/ therapy is a good way to expose ( if that is the right word) your grief or loss or motivations behind how you feel about yourself or your life. If took me a long time to get to counselling. I had to hit rock bottom having had a breakdown last year. I'm not 'better' but a lot better than I was. I guess I want you to know that there is some hope,

Sarah xx

[ed14 in reply to 21esme]

Thank you Sue.and Sarah, you have no idea how much comfort I have drawn from your kind words today and others.

Apart from getting up and going to work and helping mum, I struggle to do others things. I love walking. But it's getting me out that door that's the problem, but I will call my doctors in the morning and see if I can get an emergency appointment to get help, I suppose that's the start, yet again.

Goodnight x

[YogiSallyAnnSlight]

do you know how to Meditate?

Meditate.....= sit comfortably, shut your eyes, and focus on something that makes you happy

you will have other thoughts popping into your head

acknowledge them and if you don't like them, let them quietly go

do this peacefully

do not strain your mind to think good thoughts

concentrate on a Good word that makes you feel HAPPY....just like ''Happy''

or the word ''PEACE''

in your mind say the word PEACE

feel the PEACE

LOVE the PEACE

and do this for 10 minutes every morning as you wake up

before you do anything else

this is a habit worth making and keeping

just as you get up to brush your teeth, make tea etc....... Meditate first

...and then see how well your day goes, your life goes

the world is amazing

life is fantastic

Peace will bring you everything to make you HAPPY every day

only YOU can do this....make it a habit

in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ let this bring you PEACE

practice well sweet child of God

Peace