Growing Blended family with autistic child who doesn’t like children..

[Rainbowhunter]

Hi everyone,

Just reaching out for a bit of help as my little girl is 5 and we’ve known since she was 1 that she was autistic but has recently been diagnosed. Me and her father separated when she was 3 months old and I’ve been with my partner for coming up four years. He also has a little girl from a previous relationship who is 4. My little girls behaviour has got way worse over the years and she now hates being around children. When we first got together she used to bare her and actually engage with her and we could do all the fun things as a family unit. We had a baby together last year and since then her hatred towards children has gotten way worse running from one end of the room to other from them, if they get too near kicking out and even crying as soon as she comes home and sees that either my partners little girl is there or her brother has gone to close to her immediately. It’s putting a massive strain on me and my partners relationship. My little girls father has her twice a week on a Tuesday and Saturday and has recently been having her a little more due to not believing she’s autistic, thinking she’s worse for us over here than what she is for him and his partner over his house and also not coming to terms with her sleep problems and her sub sequential need for melatonin as a result which he refuses to give her over his house. My partner has a house he had before we got together and we currently live in mine. He’s proposed house sharing but this involves me having to be away from my little boy for one and secondly I’m due to have another baby in May which I get where he’s coming from, is going to be like total Armageddon for my little girl but this baby was a surprise and I just feel like I’m having to chose between my kids. Such an awful feeling and an awful situation to be in. I’m just wondering if there’s anymore blended families out there or people who have other children and an autistic child who doesn’t get on with kids?

Any response or help would be much appreciated, at the moment I feel like I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t and don’t see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and rather than looking forward to my new arrival and living in the here and now I’m constantly stressed, upset and down.

[Bluey203]

Hi Rainbowhunter,So sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in at the moment, it must be unbelievably stressful for you.

I'm afraid I don't really have any concrete answers, just a couple suggestions that you may have already tried anyway.

I have a 21 year old son with autism and severe learning disability, nonverbal.

I know when he was young he was very possessive of me, which was difficult as he would demand my attention whenever I tried to give attention to his brother, he didn't even like me talking too much to his dad, it was very controlling. But a valuable lesson I came to learn, was to not give in and turn my attention back to him when he screamed and demanded attention, as hard as it was, I gave him lots of attention when he calmed down.

Also I would try and involve his brother interacting with him doing things he enjoyed like blowing balloons or bubbles or water play etc, for short periods of time, so he associated his brother with fun.

We also created his own quiet corner, a play tent with sensory activities in it, for him to escape to when overwhelmed by too many voices or noise.

Things do improve over time, they get along fine now in their own way. But it is such a huge learning curve in the beginning.

I wish you all the best, hope things improve soon 🫠

[Rainbowhunter in reply to Bluey203]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve been debating writing in a forum like this for months and have felt two ashamed to admit 1. It’s a struggle and I’ve been struggling and 2. Coming to terms with the fact that my little one is getting more and more set in her ways so thank you for your kind response. My little girl is not completely non verbal as in she says a word or two but that’s it which obviously makes things harder then because that’s all she can mainly express her need for it wants such as toilet, drink, strawberries etc…

This is what her father said that she is a very jealous child, like regardless of the fact she can kick out when the children go too close her whole domineer is pretty laid back and chilled out but I know girls do mask their autistic tendencies more too don’t they so have recently thought that he may actually be onto something and it may just be overwhelming jealously that she can’t vent out and express which breaks my heart even more. My little

Girl used to be brilliant with my partner right up until a couple of months ago, would go to him for reassurance or generally just invite him to play with her or sit on his lap but we have noticed this too has also stopped along with her enjoying time in our house and enjoying time with myself.

We went away about a month ago to a cottage for the weekend and she became like a different child. Wanted to play with my partners little girl even encouraging and egging her on to chase her and hold her hands to do ring a ring a rosies but this lasted two days and by the day of coming home she then was back to kicking her away and wanting her own space which must be awful for my little girl but also for my partners little one who was asking if my DD liked her and asked why does DD only want to play with her sometimes.

I totally get this and she 100% has a noise sensitivity as a noise can trigger her to put her hands over the ears on tv or even a certain toy out off.

Thank you so much you’ve been really helpful, all the best lovely ❤️

[Bluey203 in reply to Rainbowhunter]

Sometimes with my son when he was younger, he would be happy and excited, but if he was over stimulated (too excited for too long) a switch would flip and he would become subdued or sometimes have a meltdown and lash out. We would try to minimise overstimulation by limiting time in that activity, and introduce a calming activity, or take to the quiet sensory space, especially before bed, the key is to recognise the signs in a change to their behaviours or demeanor before it gets to the point of a meltdown.

For sensitivity to sounds we bought some children's ear defenders which really helped him, he would take them to school too, he couldnt cope with lots of voices and would become disruptive.

Another huge problem for my son when young was 'transition', moving from one activity or location to another, even from the car to home, or if visiting relatives. This was overcome by giving him a visual picture calendar of events, hourly, daily, weekly timetables using pictures, drawings or photos, so he could see what was happening next. When older he understood digital times of events better than analogue time, alongside pictures.

Even though he couldnt understand speech, he was very aware of tone of voice, especially mine, if I sounded worried then he would become stressed, so I learnt not to voice any concerns I had in front of him, I tried to keep my voice upbeat when when he was in the vicinity even to this day 😀

[Hope2222]

I can only make suggestions here, such as:

* It’s likely that your special child has sensory issues and noise including the distress and crying of other children and babies may even cause her physical pain.

* She is disabled and therefore more in need than a mainstream child, she may recognise that more children in the family may threaten her own needs being met.

At this point it might be wise to:

* Find independent guidance from an occupational therapist that is also trained in sensory assessments. Also an educational psychologist and independent social worker if possible.

* Your daughter is school age and should be provided for appropriately at school as well and if that isn’t happening there is more cause for her anxiety. However, it also means that you can get assessments paid for by legal aid. First you need to contact Simpson Millar Solicitors, explain that you don’t think she receives the support she needs and ask they take her case.

simpsonmillar.co.uk

Another source of advice and help can be gained through Sunshine support.

sunshine-support.org

DO NOT underestimate the challenge you have ahead of you.

DO NOT rely on local authority staff to do the best for your daughter without getting INDEPENDENT assessments done and taking action through legal channels.

In the meantime,

Your daughter maybe calmer with her Dad if there are no other children around.

Create a calm space in your home that’s her only space with some sensory/calming things. Your OT will help you with this. This is a space that means she can retreat from the noise in the house when she needs to.

Don’t feel it’s unfair if you fuss her and demonstrate your love for her with greater emphasis. You’re doing this because she needs it, she needs to know that no matter what you are there for her, without judging her, always. Her disability cannot be seen. It doesn’t mean it isn’t there and needs to be provided for just as you would for an overt, easily seen disability.

Sunshine Support offer training (amongst other things) which will help you understand your daughter.

[Bluey203]

Hi, I thought this link may be useful for you.I went on the early bird course, it was very helpful.

autism.org.uk/what-we-do/su...