Untrained staff making /withholding Information about someone my daughter got involved with.

[Cakes2695]

Just before Covid hit my daughter attended a group disco /activity hub for disabled people. She met a boy and someone added the number to her phone ( she cannot do this herself) I had no idea who this person is , I became concerned as it was moving fast. Proposals , children , wedding dresses lots of promises etc. It was taking over all her spare time and she would become anxious . I asked staff but they never told me anything. So when it was my daughters birthday this person never called or sent a card after promising. My daughter was really upset and down.

I must have had some sort of sixth sense. I started looking and managed to get the surname which helped my facebook search. To my shock this person was born a girl and is now living as a male. They say the like girls or boys and that they are single so I guess bisexual.

My daughter does not understand any of this . Now would you say it's fair of staff to withhold information about a person from parents or the appropriate adult. They have been cruel allowing this to go on and my daughter is now confused. She would have never been able to find this out herself she cannot read or write .

I have no gender or diversity issues my problem is that the boy never told her the truth. My daughter's understanding is around the age 5 yrs old. I would like to know how other parents would deal with this situation & what action I may take against the people who are looking after her who I feel have failed.

Thanks

[49Twister]

Hi I would be concerned as you are. Does your daughter live with you or is she in supported living? Not that it makes any difference but if she lives with you full time you should have been the first to know. When you say you asked staff you said they didn’t tell you anything is that because they didn’t know or because they didn’t want to tell you? It might have been the “boy” she met at the disco who put his number in her phone and nothing to do with the staff. If the boy is on Facebook sounds like he is more able with reading/writing and could have added his no to her phone. If your sure the staff are involved I would contact their employer to discuss your concerns, I think it’s your right to be informed about issues regarding your daughters welfare.

[Cakes2695 in reply to 49Twister]

Thanks v much she lives in supported living. This person is more able than my daughter. All the staff knew and I was advised by one staff member they were told not to tell me. This cannot be right it makes you wonder if they are following any guidelines and they still won't tell me who sanctioned the withholding of the information. I'm the bad person now as I have removed his number and told the staff no more contact the number is blocked. Only a few days ago a staff member told my daughter this boy had seen her and says hi .. it is just stirring it all up. They think i'm the bad person for protecting my daughter. It's terrible as they haven't been honest. What do you think about staff at the house drawing pictures to explain it ? They haven't got any experience or authority to do this.

[49Twister in reply to Cakes2695]

Yes if the staff were aware this is definitely not right. You definitely need to get in touch with someone in authority with the care company that supports your daughter. It feels like they are deliberately discarding your feelings regarding this. I have similar issues regarding my sons support staff but about his health. My son has severe learning disabilities but has some capacity so they basically let him make bad choices regarding food which is not good for his health. Do you have power of attorney, or any other power other than being her mum? I have a feeling this might have something to do with the problem as if not they believe this is her choice. I know I need to check out the various ways which us as parents can have more say as I have been disheartened by the way my son is “supported “ in so called supported living. Please stay in touch and let’s know how you get on, I would certainly speak to someone other than support staff in the company as a starting point. x

[Lindypops56 in reply to 49Twister]

I agree that there are definitely safeguarding issues here concerning the support staff and your vulnerable daughter. It appears that the behaviour of the staff member involved is unprofessional and inappropriate and you are right to feel unhappy about it.

Basically this has been done without consent as it appears from what you say that your daughter lacks the capacity to consent?

Do you have legal guardianship for your daughter? If so you have the right to be kept informed of all decisions made on her behalf unless you have delegated those powers to her carers.

In any case your vulnerable daughter has been exposed to risks by those supporting and caring for her and that’s not acceptable. Maybe you should discuss with the Care Quality Commission?

[Jw104]

I had a similar thing done to us. My sister, She’s 59 has Down’s syndrome and lives us and has done since our parents passed away. She had a terrible crush on a man in one of her clubs. He always seemed to have the same romantic ideas. Lovely we thought, have a nice man to go on ‘dates’ with. They would have been chaperoned, besides the point. Someone at one of these groups put his phone number into her phone. We had no idea.

His mother phoned to tell us that she was phoning 20/30 times a day and particularly at meal times. We had no idea this was going on. His mother was very rude about our suggestions of an accompanied date. By the time his mother had finished ranting at me, I was very upset. I then had to take my sisters phone off her and delete his details. She was screaming and shouting at me. I have never felt so awful about doing something to protect her.

These carer who are supposedly supporting us need to be made aware of the problems that a simple phone number can cause. But I don’t know who or how to stop these well meaning people from adding things to her phone.

We got her the phone so we could find her and having a bit of extra security around her going out.

This was 4 years ago and I’m still coping with how bad I was to delete his details from her phone and other comments from her.

[Cakes2695 in reply to Jw104]

Oh bless you its so traumatic trying to do good. But in your sisters world she wouldn't have realised how many times she had called .

The carers have one setting it's all about them having control and pushing family out. Tell them not to add anything on the phone without your prior consent !! Your sister isn't alone family input is very important and needs to be valued . The argument I made to the carers was about my daughter maybe meeting a sex offender !! and that they could potentially give them access to a vulnerable person. Tell them straight don't be afraid they will never feel they way you do so they need to back off.

They need consent from you so tell them !! not to do it or you will report them to your local safeguarding team. It's wrong on every level.

[LDAutie]

Hi Cakes2695 i wonder can I give a view from what being transgender is like?

I’m a legally changed (on testosterone) trans male myself,it takes years to get to the point of being trans especially if you have conditions that affect capacity, for example,you are not allowed to start the process if you have quite unstable mental illness or unstable challenging behaviors,the reason behind it is testosterone gel/needles can make you A lot worse.

they are very strict on capacity I had to have a lot of testing,and the community learning disability team were questioned a lot to about me,before being given an appointment,plus afterwards to,as you need two signatures from different doctors saying you are ok to choose surgery.

If you are officially trans And not just unofficially identifying as trans,you are diagnosed with gender dysphoria (the state in which you feel so much self hatred for your mind not matching your body),I see a specialist in a clinic in London who deals with gender issues in People with LD, but there are GIC clinics in Leeds and a couple of others I think.

When you go through all the hormone treatment,and Specialists speaking with you/your parents,and so much more,and you legally change your name you are in legal terms a man (or a woman If you are the opposite),so technically you aren’t automatically lying if you don’t reveal you were AFAB or AMAB (assigned female/male at birth),because you are no longer ‘in between’ but when you really get to know someone and get to trust them it is something you shoud reveal,this means either he didn’t trust her or perhaps this man has been through the transition already and doesn’t think it to be a possible problem?

if your daughter still wants to remain friends,what about inviting him on zoom/skype to chat to you both to get to know them a bit more,I woud have said somewhere like a coffee shop but given the situation right now....

One of my ex house mates/a best friend had severe LD and cerebral palsy and he accepted me being trans,whereas revealing it to other people Who I thought were friends has led to bullying, I don’t know if this person Friends with your daughter has more going on in their life than their letting on?

It’s a hard subject.