Coping strategies please ?

[Beanolove]

It’s becoming so difficult managing my special needs adult daughters constant negative and quite rude remarks to other family members endlessly in family situations , she is so unaware how her behaviour can be quite hurtful to others .. so so hard not to bite back and to constantly be surrounded by her constant negativity .

[I_am_a_sibling Survey Community friend]

That sounds really tough Beanolove . What has helped in the past when she has behaved this way?

[Beanolove in reply to I_am_a_sibling]

Thank you so much for your reply .... to date I have constantly taken the advice to reward the good and ignore the bad ... it’s so hard for other family members to constantly ignore the rudeness verbally given to them ... they do at times bite back ... this leaves me so upset ...

[I_am_a_sibling Survey Community friend in reply to Beanolove]

That sounds like a really positive approach. It must be really hard to see your other family members affected by this too.

What do you all enjoy doing together?

[lqrt43 in reply to Beanolove]

Hi Beanolove. This must be so difficult – and it sounds as though you are already working very hard to address this, using positive reinforcement... That does seem to be the advice, just as you say.

I know it can be exhausting and worrying when you’re constantly on edge about your adult child’s behaviour and what might go wrong....

Would it be unfair to ask which part of this you think is upsetting you most – I’m interested you say ‘it’s so hard for other family members ... they do at times bite back ... this leaves me so upset ...’ I just wonder if it's your daughter’s behaviour that is upsetting you most in these situations – or is it perhaps the reactions of the other members of the family?

We spend all day understanding our child’s difficulties and I admit I find other people’s impatience or lack of compassion very upsetting. I find it hurtful enough when strangers react badly - but in the family it would be good to feel real support and understanding (both for your daughter’s needs and for all the help you provide).

(I admit I still feel ‘responsible’ for my son’s behaviour – even though I know I am not.) I wonder if you feel responsible when other family members are upset by the things your daughter says...? It must be so difficult for you if you feel hurt for both parts of the family at the same time...

I just wondered how you feel about your daughter’s comments when you are not with your family...? It does sounds as though you are handling everything so well.

[Shue Community friend]

Hi, it's so embarasing isn't it. Your post has taken me back to a period when my own son would verbally abuse strangers in the supermarket with coments like" eeeh, you big, fat, ugly" or" you dirty, horrible, smelly" or take his trainer off and lob it at someones head. I was told they do it for effect and the attention it brings. I asked people who knew him to ignore the behaviour and when he began being rude in public I would tell him we are going home because you can't be kind to people and we would leave. How old is your daughter? Can I ask what type of response do people give her when she's rude to them?

[Sarah_Mencap]

Hello Beanolove

Welcome to the community - and thank you for posting.

Have you seen the info on the Mencap website about challenging behaviour? mencap.org.uk/learning-disa...

The helpline might also be able to help - it is free and confidential. Give them a call on 0808 808 1111.

Many thanks

Sarah