Coping with Sibling Resentment

[TallandAll]

We have two adult children living at homeOur daughter is the eldest at 21yrs , and had Learning Difficulties and Dyspraxia.

My son is younger( nearly 19yrs) a getting more and hostile about his sister ( and some of atypical behaviour).

He also has Dyspraxia, but only has modest/ marginal impact on him.

He seems to blame me for his sister ( ticks a d idiosyncratic behaviour)and dismissive , hurtful and disrespectful to both me and his sister

I am finding this more and more distressing.

This is causing arguments and making home life very difficult , I think he feels we tolerate her and let her get away with too much

Any ideas or suggestions

I have tried to get him to understand his sister's needs, but seems to lack empathy

Any suggestions?

[Hidden]

I have three children (all fully formed adults now) and my first born son is severe LD with moderate physical disabilities. My second child came along (a daughter) six years later and my third and last son came along two years after my daughter.

When my daughter was beginning to walk and climb the stairs my oldest son went berserk one time at the bottom of the stairs watching his little sister doing what we had always told him he could NOT do for his own safety.

His sister hadn't provoked him before that because her walking gait was almost identical to his walking gait. We didn't correct our daughters walking gait because we knew it would correct itself just as soon as she needed to run - as she didn't have neurosomatic leaning injuries. That was the stairs moment. She just hopped straight on and off she went.

My wife and I decided that the best way to mitigate her 'new' advantage over her older brother was to pay her pocket money to spend time with him and to focus on his legs. A kind of respect for her brother thing - but by financial bribery (motivation).

Watching a two year old girl trying to massage the palsied legs of her older brother was in itself therapeutic because it relieved the stress of seeing our son so upset - and my first born son just soaked it all up and felt very special indeed. She went on to become a Nursery Nurse.

We took the same way for our youngest son. He went on to become a Mental Health Nurse.

The pocket money was pay and the 'work' was respect for their older brother and giving him the attention he needed because in every respect they overtook him like rockets.

Perhaps you could try that approach with your son.

Give him pay to focus on his sister - but make it meaningful and in keeping with her privacy. Cleaning her room or keeping her things tidy whilst setting boundaries of appropriate respect. Try cooking the family meal where the daughter gets to set the menu - where the son is the cook.

Your younger son is 19 so that will mean including him in any qualifying hours of care support and giving him perhaps three or four hours pay at the national minimum rate equivalence per week for starters. The atypical sense of your comments with regard to his increasing poor behaviour is best directed and not broken. So direct it and hold him to being a good brother and a good 'employee' if he agrees.

That was our approach.

If not that then you MAY have to get into some psychological modalities and take a more formal route.

[TallandAll in reply to Hidden]

Thanks , that's an interesting solution

[Rupertthebear]

Hi TallandAll,

I have exactly the same problem . The older one has OCD , ADHD , anxiety and the younger one autism . The older one became ill during pandemic the younger one thinks I let the older one get away with too much and it affects my relationship with the younger one he thinks I care more for the older one . We become overstretched with this . The only way I find i get them to bond is when we go out and away the older ones behaviour improves . It’s how you spend time with each , that you are there for them . Also I tell the younger one if I don’t look after the older one we can’t go away as he would have to stay behind . It’s pretty difficult at times try to bond them with activities etc as a family . If you come up with other strategies let me know too.

[Mybestfriends]

Has your Son been Assessed for Autistic Spectrum Disorder (Asperges), Reading through your Post, seems to me he may possibly Worth taking a look at Autistic Traits info (My adult Son has ASD, Delayed Processing, ADHD, Developmental Dyspraxia, Dyslexia & Schizophrenia)

[TallandAll]

Thank you for taking the time to read and offer suggestions, I had wondered about autism too.I think our son does has son autistic traits

( Dyspraxia is on the spectrum), but I also think he feels he is not given the same lattitude as his sister due to classic sibling rivalry and he is also testing boundaries.

I may look into the autism thing too , as his best friend is autistic and he has some behavioural traits that are similar

[oddfish7]

So difficult ! You are doing the right thing but it isn't easy.

There's this organisation for siblings which may be helpful if you don't already know of it. Pasting in the link here

sibs.org.uk/

Might be some useful stuff there.

[calanndel]

check out sibs.org.uk

They other all sorts of support for siblings of all ages. Online resources and guidance or support through monthly meetings or social media groups

I’m an adult sibling & now main advocate for my brother with learning disabilities