I have nothing

[kellyOd]

...... I have nothing to even title the jacked up roller coaster this all has been ......

ER trip ended up stopping the colonoscopy that was scheduled for the 25th. We were at GBMC the 24th because Ryan started having vision changes on the right side. On the way to the ER his right side went numb for a few minutes and his speech started to deteriorate. Unfortunate LONG story short; he got a CT without contrast on his brain and nothing is going on in there. Anymore than what we already know of course. Which is GREAT! Got a sneak peak. BUT now the brain surgery is even further delayed because he won’t get cleared until we investigate the possible cause of his RBC drop.

I have been wanting to reply to a lot of things that everyone is going through and even the nice messages I’ve been sent on some of my previous posts. I just can’t get my head together long enough to sit and do it. It seems like all I do now is complain and have mental breakdowns and wallow in self pity. Truly disgusting behavior if you ask me..

Just caught in a rough spot. Mentally.. I’m drained. This is draining. I can’t say enough how much I just wish me and Ryan could live a normal god damn life.

I love you all and pray for you guys daily.. again just venting so I don’t hang myself from the ceiling fan.

Xoxox from MD

[missyrand Ambassador]

Kelly

Your anxiety and the weight of waiting is eating you up. Something had to give

When I got so my anxiety was beyond my control I went to my doc. I can’t take antidepressants any more (which can have a helpful side effect if also helping anxiety) because they drive my BP up, and I was concerned about taking anti anxiety meds because they are short acting and can be addictive, so my NP put me on propranolol ( a beta blocker) that is used with high anxiety. For me it was immediately helpful. I used it for a while, then stopped for several months, but took it the past 2 days when my anxiety was climbing back out of control. It can be used PRN.

Getting a break, proper sleep hygiene, recognizing what we can and cannot change is essential mental and physical healthcare.

I encourage you to consider seeing your own doc and or therapist so you can get some relief. This is a marathon, and I know you know this, but stopping to take care of yourself is just as important as an ER trip.

I’m concerned and hope you can do something to help you continue forward by getting creative in self care

I’m so sorry right now is a shitshow at your house.

Missy

[Bigsister3]

Hi Kelly

Your post brings back a flood of memories. I remember when my sisters brain lesion ruptured the night before her second gamma knife surgery and all I could think of is “really are you kidding me” the universe couldn’t wait, God couldn’t give us a break I was beside myself and then the emergency craniotomy surgery and it all begins to take a toll. But we are care givers and we were given something that makes us continue to get out of bed, find options, do research and be strong. Ryan wouldn’t be able to do this without you. You are strong and you will find a way to keep moving forward. This disease doesn’t give you many breaks but we are here for you sending you our strength. I hope you can feel it

[HSsweetheart]

So sorry you're going through yet another uphill Kelly. After recently completing a week long bike trip, I refer to "uphill" as a climb. We will reach the top. So will you with Ryan by your side.

[SGHSweethearts]

Kelly, I almost have no words. F*** Cancer. I’m sorry sometimes it gets so overwhelming and that’s all I can come up with. I am praying for you and Ryan. Take care of yourself so you can take care of him.

Michele

[doulagirl]

Kelly, I have no words to describe how I feel for you , just am glad this space is a secure spot where you can vent your feelings. Please take care of yourself so you can take care of him. It really is a rough ride, and you are a wonderful caregiver that I so much admire ❤️

Wish you all the strength of the world!

Dorothe

[carlsbad317]

One of the worst parts of this journey is there are never the right words.I am so thankful for this forum provides the opportunity for thoughts to flow and no you are not alone.

Take Care and always in our thoughts and prayers.