Scared.

[jo19]

Every time I have a crash which usually lasts for two months, all I can think of as I lie down on the bed useless to myself and anyone else is to kill myself. It's plays on my mind all day long and I am scared that I will do it without much thought. I am so scared.

[Dismal]

So sorry that you feel this way. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 if things get too much.

[Karenlynne]

So sorry lifes become so unbearable. I can really understand how you feel. I've been bedridden for over 5 yrs now and often wonder what the point is as I struggle to get to the commode. I try to remember that this will pass and I will have a better day soon. I try to be thankful for the things I do have.....a comfy bed.good husband and friends who care. I'm able to view my phone for the news and am reminded how fortunate we are in this country.to be at peace.have freedom to do and be as we choose etc.so much we take for granted. Trying to change from looking at the negatives to finding the positives isn't easy but can be done. Having suffered from severe depression since being a teenager I understand thoughts of suicide as well as actions. I've seen family ashen faced not knowing if I'd live as I've come to. Truly it's not worth it. Ring the Samaritans as suggested. Speak to your doctor about how you feel. Try to enlist a support network even if it is only people who call for 5 mins as I know with a crash having folk around is difficult. Write how you feel down if you have the energy. Please don't allow yourself to go down the spiral of utter despair. Try mindfulness.a good help. Do something to distract you from these feelings. And seek help from whatever source is available. Not sure if this is helpful. Please try.Karen Lynne

[Starry]

Huge virtual hugs

Do please talk to your gp about how you are feeling so they can get the right emotional support in place for you.

In the meantime hang in there, remind yourself that your crashes do only last 2 months and however miserable they are, you are stronger, you have ridden them out before and can do again. Xxx

Focus on nice things you can do in bed. Box sets, a magazine subscription, write a nice memory journal, or even just silly mindless games on your mobile. Or if all you can do is lie still then maybe try to meditate, or maybe focus on visualising nice happy memories or a place you love to be really vividly or just count your breaths and empty your mind of heavy negative thoughts, every time they come back say thank you but i am going to think a positive thought now. Its hard but try to replace the bad idealisation with positive affirmations like, in 8 weeks i know i will be starting to come out of this crash again and will be recovering and starting to feel a bit better.

Thinking of you, you are not alone. X

[jo19]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. It has taken me this long to be able to respond as I get so weak I can't even pick up calls or return messages. That means even contacting my gp to let them know how I feel is too much of a task. It's a very heavy burden to carry and I sincerely don't have any coping mechanisms that I can say works for me during these periods of inability to do anything. I will still speak to my GP about this but most times they just don't know what to do. I am grateful for knowing everyone here who understands how I feel more than any medical practitioner. It's a huge relief to be able to show family and friends this post and say this is what I am going through. Thanks again everyone for your support.

[mysmugcat]

Hello. Isn't this illness delabidating? Sp? Stay with us Jo please. I spend a lot of time sitting on my bed eg playing a RPG game. I'm worthwhile in that lol. Books. Books I find a great escape. Dangerous promises by Roberta kray, I got it in the library free. Pm anytime. Typing from a phone.

[jo19 in reply to mysmugcat]

Hi mysmugcat thank you so much for your supportive response. Sometimes all one needs is a bit of positivity and it goes a long way. It's the delabitating part that gets to me the most. Not being able to do anything and being useless. I don't even go on my phone, pick up phone calls or respond to messages from friends and family. That's how difficult it is for. But I will try and follow your advice. Thanks again for your support and to everyone else. Hope we all feel better soon.