Where are we? Well 14 days out from my GP telling me that he felt that my symptoms and bloods indicate that I have Lupus and well.............to be honest I am not sure if I was better off with my ignorance.
Yes like all I have good days and bad. Yesterday (considering the past 3 months) was up until around 7pm, a particularly good day, then things turned bad with alarming speed. But over the last 20 odd years I have become accustomed to that and just grimaced and got on with it.
Now though I am not sure if the knowledge has heightened my awareness of the pain and discomfort or that this flare is deeper than most that I have suffered and my pain barriers have been more convincingly breeched. It also doesn.t help that my partner watches me so very carefully that I can no longer hide my pain, with her I fail most of the time in turning my back to hide my grimace, she insists on knowing (and with me) trying to understand. I had over the years built up some impressive pain resistance to all but the most intense of my individual symptoms to the point that when I was feeling well I could take risks with my body, and yes hurt it quite badly sometimes and manage the onset of any bumps and bangs that I incurred (about which I feel another memory blog coming on so keep your eyes peeled).
Right now though, where once I would have individual problems that I could manage and in some old way control whilst everything else settled down and le me get on with it, now everything (indeed more things most every day) seem to be joining the party and I cannot gain control of any of the individual elements, I feel like I am giving in to it, I feel helpless..................................................and I really, really don't like it.