What reminds you of your cancer and what makes you forget?

[thila]

For many of us, regardless of our stage, there are constant reminders that we are living with lung cancer. Maybe it's the daily pills, the aches and pains that won't go away or the or constant worry about upcoming scans. However, there are times, even briefly, we are able to forget. I'd like to hear about some of those good times and lift up everybody's spirits. Here's mine...

Today, I crawled on my butt down the steep stairs to my basement to watch our son play ping pong with my husband. Yes, I crawled because despite having been able to use my rollating walker to go round trip to lunch today (that was good!), the mets in my spine and legs put me at risk of breaking a hip if I'm not careful. Anyway, after a minute of watching them play, I jumped in to test my skills. I had always been a terrible player but I could at least return a few balls. Today, I did just that, returned a few ping pong balls. I could list a few noteworthy accomplishments in my life, like getting married, the birth of our only son, finishing graduate school and starting a business, but somehow just being able to stand on my own two feet and whacking a plastic ball around in the basement today ranks just below giving birth. And of course, it was a whole lot more enjoyable. For just a few moments, I forgot about the cancer, forgot that I might wake up stiff in the middle of the night and have to hobble on my cane or walker to the bathroom, forgot that despite being in my forties I can barely make it across the intersection before the pedestrian GO walk sign turns to STOP...... For now, I have crawled back upstairs to my bedroom and tomorrow, I will just pretend the new aches I feel are battle scars of sweet victory after a hard night of Ultimate Table Tennis....

[Feelingblessed2013]

I almost didn't respond to your post because I was able to have my lung cancer surgically removed both times, so I don't have to live with my cancer on a daily basis. But I wanted to say that I admire your strength and courage.

[thila in reply to Feelingblessed2013]

Thank you Katherine. In re-reading my post, I'm afraid that I sounded like I was whining. In fact, I was hoping to get people to celebrate what is good in their lives despite having cancer and what they've achieved as their new normal in order to carry on. The fact that you don't think about your cancer everyday despite having had two surgeries tells me that you have indeed achieved a good place in your life that is YOUR normal. It's my hope that we won't necessarily have to always muster up extra strength and courage to just live our normal lives, whatever that might be now.

[Feelingblessed2013 in reply to thila]

First let me say that your post didn't sound at all like you were whining, you sounded determined. I saw the fact that you were celebrating just being able to go downstairs and hit that ping pong ball a few times.

Second, this is supposed to be the place that we can come to do just that, whine. But I think I am the same as you, I hate to sound like I'm whining. I do still worry about the cancer returning, every so often I start thinking about the idea of getting LC again, I can't lose another lung, I'm already down to 3. There are days when I start feeling sorry for myself (after all...I never even got to celebrate my 5 year cancerversary...boo hoo..poor me). Then I remind myself there is always someone out there worse off than me, that it is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it. Besides worry just causes stress, and stress isn't good for my health. I am determined to enjoy life while I can, and you are right we all find our own "new normal".

[Denzie Moderator Volunteer]

Sorry to not have responded before. I wanted to give some serious thought to this because it is a great entry. I didn’t feel that it was whiny. More like a straight forward account of the facts. There was this mental image of you scooting down the stairs and sheer joy I experienced for you when you took the paddle into your hand.

For me, getting together for coffee with people I worked on so many community projects with. Some of them are super political and the conversation revolves around what a proposal will or won’t do. Which city council member is leaning which way, what do they need to persuade them. None of it is medical, it’s all neighborhood oriented. They are all actively working to improve community according to their various opinions and affiliations.

My constant reminder is the damage the cancer and the radiation did to my lungs. I can’t walk terribly fast. Walking and talking are difficult. I prefer to focus on the things I can do. It’s less depressing.