I'm 19, an only child and I've always had moodswings but i just thought it was normal for someone my age. But last year i moved from home to Uni and lived in halls.
About half way through the year my flat mates were always asking me if i was okay, which i never understood because i thought i was acting fine. But one day they sat me down grilling me for spending time on my own and not socialising with them (i loved my flatmates, they were my best mates). But i never noticed i was doing anything wrong.
Since then i've actually been noticing most days i do wake up and don't want to do anything. And sometimes i plan to meet people, and change my mind because i don't want to socialise. There's days when my own friends text me but i ignore them.
For the past couple of months i've been quite worried. I've hardly been happy. I feel like im constantly sad and tired. I have no motivation to do anything. I always feel like i want to cry, and when i watch certain things, they make me cry, even though its not sad. I can never get to sleep anymore. I normally end up going to bed around 4am or whenever im exhausted just so i'm not lying there, thinking, trying to get to sleep. I can sleep either for hours or have hardly any sleep.
I also feel like i need to drink at least once a week. If i don't i get really upset and irritated. But when i do drink, i normally get really emotional and cry. When i was 18 my mum was worried about how much i used to drink but i just think its normal. Since the past year i've been taking a few drugs on nights out too. I went through i phase were my nights wouldn't be good if i didn't take mdma.
I think this whole depression thing got really bad after this one night. I was seeing this guy, i really liked. And me and my friend took mdma and ket and drank loads, so i was very gone. I just wouldnt stop crying after him and i remember getting really mad at him because he was going home because he had to go, i got so angry that i remember crying so much, going into the kitchen and getting a knife. I tried to cut myself but i couldnt bring myself to doing it. In the morning i felt like such a psycho and was so embarrsed.
I stopped seeing this guy about 5 months ago but i still like him. I think it's a massive part of why i'm so unhappy. I'm always thinking about him, which isnt like me when it comes to guys and relationships. But not being with him is making me feel so lonely and i just want to give up sometimes. It's made my self esteem drop as well, him not wanting me back.
Also i've been gambling a lot recently, spending all my money thinking i'm going to win the lottery. I always have dreams about winning it and i dream about what i'd do with the money, because i'm really skint.
I'm wondering is this normal, or is there anything wrong? Or i'm wondering if i could even be bipolar?
I was planning to see a GP, but i've never gotten round to it because i wouldnt really feel comfortable telling them all this, i just feel silly.