Am i depressed/bipolar or is this normal?

I'm 19, an only child and I've always had moodswings but i just thought it was normal for someone my age. But last year i moved from home to Uni and lived in halls.

About half way through the year my flat mates were always asking me if i was okay, which i never understood because i thought i was acting fine. But one day they sat me down grilling me for spending time on my own and not socialising with them (i loved my flatmates, they were my best mates). But i never noticed i was doing anything wrong.

Since then i've actually been noticing most days i do wake up and don't want to do anything. And sometimes i plan to meet people, and change my mind because i don't want to socialise. There's days when my own friends text me but i ignore them.

For the past couple of months i've been quite worried. I've hardly been happy. I feel like im constantly sad and tired. I have no motivation to do anything. I always feel like i want to cry, and when i watch certain things, they make me cry, even though its not sad. I can never get to sleep anymore. I normally end up going to bed around 4am or whenever im exhausted just so i'm not lying there, thinking, trying to get to sleep. I can sleep either for hours or have hardly any sleep.

I also feel like i need to drink at least once a week. If i don't i get really upset and irritated. But when i do drink, i normally get really emotional and cry. When i was 18 my mum was worried about how much i used to drink but i just think its normal. Since the past year i've been taking a few drugs on nights out too. I went through i phase were my nights wouldn't be good if i didn't take mdma.

I think this whole depression thing got really bad after this one night. I was seeing this guy, i really liked. And me and my friend took mdma and ket and drank loads, so i was very gone. I just wouldnt stop crying after him and i remember getting really mad at him because he was going home because he had to go, i got so angry that i remember crying so much, going into the kitchen and getting a knife. I tried to cut myself but i couldnt bring myself to doing it. In the morning i felt like such a psycho and was so embarrsed.

I stopped seeing this guy about 5 months ago but i still like him. I think it's a massive part of why i'm so unhappy. I'm always thinking about him, which isnt like me when it comes to guys and relationships. But not being with him is making me feel so lonely and i just want to give up sometimes. It's made my self esteem drop as well, him not wanting me back.

Also i've been gambling a lot recently, spending all my money thinking i'm going to win the lottery. I always have dreams about winning it and i dream about what i'd do with the money, because i'm really skint.

I'm wondering is this normal, or is there anything wrong? Or i'm wondering if i could even be bipolar?

I was planning to see a GP, but i've never gotten round to it because i wouldnt really feel comfortable telling them all this, i just feel silly.

4 Replies

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  • Sweetie its normal to feel like this i think 4 out of 10 females feels the way we do if that makes sense. And there certainly nothing wrong with you I would strongly recommend in going to see your GP I totally understand where your coming from about being uncomfortable. In telling your GP. I was exactly the same after god I felt better in telling my GP but at the same time I felt I done it I went. Maybe after your trip down to your GP ask about courses in regards to your matter if not ask because its very useful they teach you how to deal with it and techniques

    You take care by all means message me on here I'm more thank happy to listen If you want to get stuff off your chest.

    Stay strong :)

    xxxx

  • It sounds like you may have bi-polar, but you are depressed-even if it's just temporarily till you get over this guy. I'm like you, in that I take relationship rejection really hard, when I really like the guy. I've cried myself to sleep on many occasions, and I know that sometimes alcohol can feel like the answer, as it makes you feel very happy and giddy, even if it's just for a short while. I can't offer experience in regards to drug taking, but I have tried suicide with tablets on around 4 different occasions, which as a result has messed up my stomach. I could never use anything sharp, cos I'm too scared and not good with my own blood! lol.

    I would suggest trying to get yourself into a sleeping pattern, even if you don't spend the time actually sleeping. Resting can be beneficial if you really can't switch off. Try and encourage your body to remember that sleep is important, as it will have an impact on your mood too. If you feel the need to nap in the day, do it.

    I shut off socially too, and you do end up getting spotted. Just explain that you're feeling very vulnerable atm, and you don't feel the need for much company right now.

    You really should see your GP. Ask a friend to go with you, for moral support. It hurts to tell someone just how you really feel, especially if you're concerned they'll think you're weird! They will be sympathetic and understanding. If you can't face the GP, Samaritans are always able to offer an hear.

    Ps-We all think about winning the lottery, even me, and I never play it! ;-)

    Good luck,

    Amy x :-)

  • Hi, It sounds as though you have always alternated between feeling very unhappy and then managing to cope with the unhappiness for a while, by socialising or drinking so that for a while you are happy again. While it is easy to mistake extreme mood swings for Bi-Polar there is a major difference which is that when people with Bi-p illness are 'high' they have no idea that their behaviours are extreme. You do know that.

    Starting at Uni is very stressful and those stresses seem to have made it much more difficult for you to cope with the modd swings you have always felt. You do not mention your relationship with your parents or whether you had friends at home, but at the very least you have lost the familiarity of your parents and of home. You were an only child, I wonder whether you felt lonely, also whether being an only child meant it was difficult for you to learn how to easily fit in with a group of peers? I don't know whether that is true for you.

    Change is always difficult and depression is a frequent and natural response to change. I do not know whether you are ILL but in my opinion you are not despite your fear of your desire to self-harm. It sounds like you are struggling to cope with a lot of pain and as you don't understand why you are unhappy, but are wanting to find a reason, cutting will at least make sense of the pain you feel, you will have a reason for hurting.

    You probably have a more sensitive nature than some people and have felt things more deeply - I'm like that myself and have struggled emotionally all my life.

    If you feel you have never really been happy then if you feel brave enough then talking with a counsellor may be helpful as with their support you may be able to think about what has made you so unhappy, WHY you are unhappy and where your alternating feelings of depression and happiness come from. I know from my own experience that University counsellors are generally well trained, really supportive, and can usually offer weekly appointments to fit around your lectures. Do consider talking with one.

    If you feel too threatened by that idea then a course of mild medication, such as Prozac may help to stablise your mood and the GP will be able to prescribe a suitable med. I wouldn't assume that because you have extreme mood swings you have Bi-Polar. People with bi-polar are unable to know when they are far TOO happy whereas you are describing swings of mood that become extreme because you don't understand them which increases the anxiety and depression which you them manage to deal with for a while, an endless pattern which I know all too well. Talking with the counsellor will help you to understand your mood swings and thereby learn to accept them. Then they will ease.

    I hope you will feel able to seek that understanding. Sue

  • Hi,

    moving away from home is a big transition, and without the comfort and routine of the home you grew up in, you will learn a lot about yourself that you never noticed before, as well as being stressed because you're on a huge learning curve.

    I don't want to diminish how you're feeling, but GPs have to listen to lots of different people every day, and what you're talking about isn't as uncommon as you'd think. The issue is more whether you can find a good GP, that will take the time and care to think of solutions with you, rather than turning to the prescription pad.

    For various reasons, I found going to uni a big culture shock, and after the first term I went to the student union and asked to see a counsellor through the uni. I had 8 sessions over 8 weeks, and my grades in the second semester soared by 12%, just because I was feeling happier and more sorted in myself.

    It's worth looking into both options, and hopefully your uni has a good support network.

    It sounds as though you're becoming more self-aware already, and knowing how you react to situations, what your coping mechanisms are, and whether you find them useful to you and want to find better ways to cope with life's stresses and strains, is the first part of the puzzle.

    Whatever you do though, try not to beat yourself up. I know that's so much easier said than done, but go easy on yourself, none of us are as bad as we think we are.

    Hugs

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