I am struggling and don’t know what to do.

[AV8R]

My wife of 21 years passed away last month after a 3 month iCU battle. I dropped her off at the ER and did not see her for 2 months. Before they intubated her we Zoom called. She said she did not want to die. I promised her she would not! I was wrong and live with letting her down. When I was finally able to see her, they stopped sedation and she could open her eyes and try to mouth words. With a trach and breathing machine she could not talk. The words “Help Me” came from her many times. She never fully woke up. I am miserable dealing with this. I could not help her. She passed away leaving me and my 2 boys. I don’t think I will ever loose the image of my beautiful baby crying tears and saying help me!

[Sepsur]

Hi AV8R

I’m sorry for your loss.

My wife really struggled with getting the images of icu out of her head, she blamed herself for my illness & the depth of my illness ( as did my daughter who caught avian flu a day before me). Both of my loved ones have needed professional counselling to overcome PTSD. Do not assume you know what constitutes PTSD : Someone with PTSD often relives the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks, and may experience feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt.

They may also have problems sleeping, such as insomnia, and find concentrating difficult.

If they persist, please seek professional help - CBT worked brilliantly in our case.

Most importantly, you did not fail your wife & you are not to blame for the unfortunate outcome.

[Copse77]

I am so sorry you lost your wife. Sepsur can send you details of a relative support meeting that you may find helpful. I am sending you a link to explain about Trauma from the Reading ICU support pages. You may understand a little from this how your experience and your wife’s illness affected you and your family. I hope this helps. readingicusupport.co.uk/pdf...

[TaIaV]

Dear AV8R,

Thanks for posting. It allows us to share in your grief and by communicating that, perhaps help you feel more connected.

You have have had to suffer through a shocking time and then, the sudden and emotionally wrenching end of what was supposed to be a long life of partnership.

On our own, we take different paths: immersion in grief, distraction, medication, searches for new meaning, physical workouts, etc. But as amateurs, at best we may miss paths that are healthier than others; at worst, we may sink into patterns that are harmful to ourselves or others. I hope that you take advantage of on for more of the grief counseling options available.

You helped her. You got her the best care that was available to you. You sent her your love. you helped her have memories of beautiful moments of family life and life as your wife. I am sure that the memories of that love were what she clung to for all those times of her illness.

All the best to you.

[Dartmoor70]

Dear AV8R

So sorry to hear your heart breaking story. It sounds as though you loved your wife very much. You had a loving partnership for many years and to have this wrenched away from you in this way is incredibly difficult to bear. Please take comfort in the fact that she will have known that you loved her.

I know it is easy to say, but you can't blame yourself for not saving her. She was in hospital, getting the best care possible and there was nothing else you could do. My husband was in ICU and thankfully pulled through, but I remember the feeling of helplessness. (We are not out of the woods yet and will have to live with life-changing brain injuries.) The trauma experienced by loved ones is very real so please do access the support that you deserve.

Please do look after yourself. Let friends and family help you and take advantage of the counselling that is available - I'm sure it will helpful in getting you through the next few weeks and months.

Sending you love and strength x

[Grant_za]

I have a very good idea as to what you are going thru.My mother had been in and out of hospital for multiple surgeries between Nov2016 and Dec2019. This included

4 months in an isolation ward as a result of a surgical infection. She was left bedridden. But she was coping.

On 23Dec 2019 I noticed significant abdominal swelling. I suggested she be admitted to hospital, but she did not want to go (it's always an ordeal involving ambulance and paramedics).

That evening I told her I would get her GP to to a house call the following day, and based on her opinion it would be hospital or not. The following day the swelling was severe, the GP arrived and suspected bowel obstruction, hospital admission was critical.

The GP was standing one side of the bed, and me on the other. While the GP was calling the hospital to give them a heads-up on the incoming patient, my mother turned towards me an quietly said: "please don't send me to hospital".

I told her there was no other option.

The ambulance arrived and off we went.

After the doctor examined her he took me outside and explained the surgical procedure, he also said there would be a high probability for the need of mechanical ventilation after surgery.

He told me they would get started very soon.

I went into my mother's cubicle in the emergency dept and told her I would be going home to fetch the clothes and things she normally wanted in hospital, and that I would be back within an hour.

I left the hospital for home, within 10 minutes of leaving I got a call from the doctor in the emergency dept, asking me if I was still in the hospital. I told him I had just left. He then told me my mother had taken a turn for the worse and I needed to return.

When I got back to the hospital I went straight back to the cubicle in the ER, only to find a member of the cleaning staff in there tidying up.

I the saw the panic striken doctor coming towards me. I asked him where my mother was - to which he responded that she had passed away. I then asked where her body was, and was told in the resuscitation room.

I went thru and saw the body of my lifeless mother lying on surgical table.

In that short 10 minutes that I left her, she died. I curse myself for having left her - but there was obviously no way I could predict what was about to happen.

My mother pleading with me, and the look on her face not to send her to hospital will forever haunt me.

I returned to the hospital at 9pm to meet the undertakers - 9pm Christmas eve with undertakers and the body of my dead mother.

It's been 2 weeks short of 2 years now.

I still harbor severe resentment of the ER doctor (a long story I wont go into now, but we are headed for the courts soon).

The guilt of "sending my mother to hospital" also remains.

But over time you come to realise some things are simply out of your control, we are not psychic and don't possess a magical crystal ball.

We try do the very best for our lived ones based on the knowledge we possess at the time.

In both our cases we had no other options in the circumstances, we did everything we could, and even if we managed to do something differently, in all probability the outcome would have been the same.

It's difficult, and it's painful. The memories of the bad experience will never leave us, but we humans develop coping skills. One never really "moves on", but we do learn how to accommodate the pain and resume normal functioning.

[paris2021]

I am so so very sorry for your loss. 💔💔

[Orleans1011]

So sorry send my condolences my husband died in August. I just take it breath by breath and then say by day

[Pulsemix]

If you could speak to your wife, she would tell you how sorry she was to leave. She would express guilt for the torment you are experiencing. From wherever she is watching, she understands. Maybe you can speak to her through prayer and tell her how you feel. I emerged after 40 days on a ventilator to see my family overjoyed that my life was spared. It didn't take long to realize the emotional damage that was done in my absence. I have guilt over that every day of my life. Your wife wants you to miss her but she also wants for you be in a better place and to live your life. God bless you and your family.

[AV8R]

I had not thought of that angle. I am sure she is, but she has the ultimate support structure in Heaven. I have nothing!

[Covidkid]

Oh my what a story! We always dwell on the what ifs in life but as so many of our friends in this group have said somethings are out of our control! Your wife’s loss is awful for you and your family but please take solace in knowing her suffering is over and she is at peace! Don’t remember her suffering, remember her love, your life and the children she gave you, that’s her legacy!

[DavidDP2]

So sorry for your loss, I was sedated and put on a ventilator in October 2020 i can now distinctly remember speaking to my wife on the phone, the ICU nurse holding my hand and the doctor explaining what was about to happen, I realised I might never wake up and said so and they confirmed my fears my response to them was 'do your best to save me'. It was touch and go at times and I had some crazy dreams but I remember several times where I felt that I had a choice to live or die, I chose to fight on but could so easily have taken the other path. You did not let her down and should stop punishing yourself, you fought hard for her and she would have been aware of that.

[Feelingbetternow]

Hi AV8R,I would like to help you. You need to order her medical record. A complete set of her medical record. If you are not a physician, I can help you. My feeling is she probably would not have died.