Hi one and all
Sorry I have been away for a while - I do keep dipping in and reading your blogs and comments but I have been rather ego-centric for a while so I thought I was better keeping quiet until I was over it. And I am... ha ha funny since I am about to write a blog all about me!!!
So I have been going to loads of external clinics - one of the side-effects of having a transplant! My immune suppressant drugs are strong enough to cause me many other "side effects". So in the last few months I have been to the dermatologist to check for skin cancer, the transplant clinic loads of times, from there i was referred to the breast clinic as I had a cancer scare (thankfully it was all negative), and I have had my six months colposcopy (if you don't know what this is - do not google, ladies it makes your eyes water) but again this is for a cancer... and all this during work hours. It is so tiring! Not that I need to tell you lot that!
I had a barney with a doctor yesterday - I saw him a few years ago and he asked me if i was depressed - I was terrified and cried in front of him (I do not cry) something that made him think that his suspicions were right!! So when I spoke to him I reminded him of this and he had the gall to ask me whether, in retrospect, it had been correct!? I explained that i was trying to hold down a job and a house and recovering from a transplant with APS and Lupus and that life can feel a little overwhelming at times without causing depression.... grrrrrrrr I was soooo angry! Eventually after trying to describe thing the best i could I mentioned that I had been seeing a different doctor because he upset me and I didn't need that. He apologised - HURRAH! (however since then I have got all shirty about the fact that I had to show a vunerable side to get the apology.... I think that's just the girl in me - never happy!!)
But it did get me thinking... do most of us suffer from bouts of low-spells (my other half describes it as a mini-depression) as I will feel exhausted, tearful, frustrated, I acheive nothing, can't relax and find it very difficult to get up in the mornings (I am a morning person)?? I'm not sure if it's an APS thing or a general long-term illness thing or a general life thing...? That's the funny thing about having been ill for so long now - I find it difficult to work out what's normal and what's not and often put things down to my laziness that perhaps have a cause within my blood chemistry? I am so scared about becoming a hypochondriac that I may be excessively hard on myself...? Or perhaps the doctor was correct, perhaps I was depressed but the word conjures up such a feeling that I could never admit it? Hmmmm I am waffling now...
Thanks for reading
(i have attached a photo from my recent holiday to Morocco - watching the sunset in the Sahara!! I certainly wasn't depressed when I was there!)