whaddyaknow

[ObiWanKeslowly]

trying to write a post and I don't know where to start or how long to make it . and i dont even really have a topic.like this is my life going, day by day, without real direction or engagement. i keep pretending to try and play the game but really i don't give a shit about achieving much. i have been invited in many open doors but I stifle and preamble before really accepting what I find inside, and this is without exemption. and this alienates me.

because of this nothing really moves. I think that I want it to change but the evidence concludes that I keep choosing small and stuck over immense and free.

ps. i am actually quite happy and grateful, even for this silly mental paralysis in my life. But I do want to open a window or two and let the air in on this because it's a bit savage that I keep getting excited for finally getting out the door with a bag on my back, then setting it down somewhere and- oh, I'm frozen again, whaddyaknow!..

thanks for reading

[Graceissufficient]

That's good in itself if you are beginning to think about getting out with a bag on your back. Set yourself small goals?

[ObiWanKeslowly in reply to Graceissufficient]

I go out all the time with a bag but it's so hard to actually relax and feel at home at the places i go to and with the people there

[ObiWanKeslowly in reply to ObiWanKeslowly]

i should get some help

[ObiWanKeslowly in reply to Graceissufficient]

small goals is a good idea.. i want to start by creating a wee bit of space in my life that I own and can nurture. not like retreating into my thoughts all the time.but something I can develop on, other than just my mental state which just spins all by itself.

i don't feel like I have many productive talents after these sorry few years. any advice where to start?

[Graceissufficient in reply to ObiWanKeslowly]

I was only disassociated for a short time - really weird feeling as you know, like walking through a deserted film set.

I wrote a poem to try to explain it. Only showed it to one person - didn't need to be a good poem.

Two lines?

Or if it happens again I might try to draw outside - badly, that's not the point. Like a child's drawing is fine. It's the process, making the brain observe something outside itself, how many petals has the daffodil, what shape are they?