It's my first Christmas since my accident where I will be able to have a good Christmas, or so I thought. So far between trying to remember last Christmas which I have no memory of, putting the Christmas tree up, looking forward to having a lovely Christmas home like always with my family, its all turned into a why am I even bothered trying to do a good positive effort for a new Christmas to me. Its a joke, I feel a joke. I feel a failure again. I feel like throwing the whole tree away and forget Christmas. I'm done with trying to feel better, more positive but always then feeling I have done, said or looked at people or every situation in a negative way. I haven't. I'm tired of being cut off half way through what I'm wanting to say or ask. I am not a bad person. I'm someone who is wanting to be given the chance to say what I have without it being turned negative. I always say to myself, Lisa you're a total idiot just forget it. All I want for Christmas is a new, happy and memorable one.
Lisa, please don't bin the tree. Maybe lower your expectations about Christmas ; could you be aiming at 'perfect' rather than just 'nice' ?
I get how appealing normality seems after a life threatening brain injury, but brain injury is almost always life changing and, without compromise, exhausting.
Am I right in thinking this is mostly about people around you and their lack of empathy/support ?
We're always here when you need a place to offload m'love....
You have helped myself and my wife immensely with the advice you gave us through our private messages. That advise in itself makes you a shining star, not a failure. Make Christmas for yourself, it is the responsibility of those around you to adapt.
Holidays are stressful times, no one is at their best.
I think for bi people it can be worse, because for a long time to start with, and then on and off after that, it's a time when we tend to look back at things and think - I thought I'd be better by now, this situation is more stressful than it used to be, other people's expectations are in my face and they don't get it, people are reminicing and I don't remember it - and may be they are mad I don't, etc.
It takes a long time to adjust to the new us, and many times we need to forgive ourselves for a lot of things - having expectations on our selves, not being as forgiving to us as we would be to others, feeling things should be different, etc etc.
Other people have a really hard time getting it. You can reach out to Headway for some ideas on how to deal with specific situations, or even to get info on family programs that may help them adjust. Even so, it's going to take them awhile. I often get 'oh I can't believe you don't remember that', "oh just blah blah". I feel now when someone hasn't experienced something they can't really get it, even if they try - they have to learn to accept - and that can be hard for us, because when they don't it's like they don't trust us that we're doing our best or really are the way we are. A lot of times it's just not water they've ever swum in so it's like trying to explain how to ride a bicycle to a fish.
You can also ask Headway if there is a counsellor or someone for you to talk to. It can help if you can find someone bi literate to help you with planning, to figure out what to say in certain circumstances, etc etc.
Putting together a Christmas is a big deal and a lot of effort - I'm impressed you can do it. I couldn't put up a tree , for instance, and don't even try. I get a large poinsettia from a big box store and don't decorate it.
Expectations are really the big tripping hazard - those we have for ourselves and those others have.
Give some thought to what bugs you the most - if it's that your memory isn't great - then take a lot of photos and look at them later. You can also get 5 year diaries with a few lines for each day and then you can see what happened this time last year. If you put in a few key things, you may see you did do a lot and it can help you remember - because you can write in a note for next year if you want.
Also be aware - sometimes if we are over doing it we don't give the brain enough of a chance to put the info in the memory in the first place - so your memory may work just fine - you've just flooded the bandwidth.
And, if that is not the case or not - the photos will remind you. And, maybe not remembering some things is a blessing, not a curse. I forgot about an ex spouse for a good 5 years or more after the accident I was in, and when I did remember it all was like something I read in a book. It's interesting how things look when they have no emotional charge on them anymore. It's rather liberating.
Above all, be kind to yourself, including forgiving yourself if it helps.
I bet you wouldn't be so hard on someone else - and you are allowed to be as kind to you as you would be to another. Right?
You are here. You are alive. You are getting through life best you can. You're on a grand adventure. And when you read a book with a grand adventure, it's not all smooth sailing - it'd be a boring book if it were - though it would be ok to have a boring life now and then... I know I'm always more relaxed on the weekend when I know no business etc is going to happen and the phone isn't going to ring with somebody trying to book an appointment or whatever.
So do figure in some 'me' time - and just rest. That counts as doing something important, btw.
As cat says, please don't bin Christmas, you can enjoy and take part. The trick is not to set yourself up to miss. Target the little bits you can do/complete , perhaps another family member puts the tree in place and you add the finishing touches to make it look really pretty.
Forget the stuff you can't do or have difficulty with, leave those bits to others. Look for the stuff you can do, take it in small chunks and celebrate every win you get, no matter how small.
So sorry to hear how your positive Christmas plans just now have felt such a pressure. I really get too how when many of us bi people try listening in to conversations and try to get a word in it’s so often frustrating as the words don’t come to us in time and I know I often don’t feel I get heard. Conversations are usually fluid and fast so trying to fit in for us is often difficult. If only we could stop time a second or too at such times with a little button! I just had my 60th birthday do and of course just like Christmas it didn’t meet my expectations of his you think you’d like it to be. There was even a moment when so much was going on I thought I ‘d have a melt down. I managed not to show how negative I felt in that moment and it’s significance quickly passed so the overall celebration I’m glad to say was well worth it and memorable with plenty of laughs and interesting chats along the way. Of course it was never going to be like old times but it was worth reframing the frustrating moments so I could handle the situation better.
Sorry to ramble but I thought it might be some help. You are clearly not negative and are trying so hard. Keep on trucking as my father used to say when times were tough in the moment.
First of all, please, there's no need to apologise for complaining on here. Everyone is here to support you. Second, don't bin the tree just yet. I get it, I'm also frustrated on your behalf, knowing what you're going through. I agree with others - expectations can be a killjoy, our own and others. I know it won't be how you want it in your mind but this is the first Christmas and all part of your recovery, so as with everything else you've built back up, just think of this as another muscle you're building back up, learning what works and what doesn't work - just yet. Headway may be able to give you some advice regarding how to deal with others' expectations of you. Keep going but please be kind and gentle with yourself so you don't run yourself ragged. 🤗
Hi Lisa, this coming Christmas is a first for everyone. No one has experienced the coming Christmas. Enjoy this Christmas for what it is, a new Christmas, it isn't a repeat, it is a brand new one, as will the one next year 🍀
When I think how complicated Christmas must be for other families, it blows my mind! And that's been the case since long before my BI. I'm eternally grateful that we're an (atheist) interfaith family, so it's only my immediate crew plus my mum and brother. But figuring out whose turn it is to go where, who needs gifts - ugh, why does anyone put themselves through the torture!?
Anyway, the point I wanted to make here, rather than ranting at Christmas, is to say that while your family are unfortunately not getting it right, they're probably trying to help by taking the load off you. I've found myself angry with my husband a few times in recent months when the poor bloke was only trying to help by doing something that needed to be done. The problem was I'd already assigned that task to myself and Formulated A Plan. So when he did the job, and differently from my Plan, it made me explode at my wasted mental energy. I have limited mental ability and have spent this year learning my limits, then learning to plan and work around them. You might be doing the same, planning to accommodate your capacity, but then finding those plans being changed when you're not looking.
As other folk here have said, it might be a good idea to pick a couple things that really appeal to you (things that make you smile), and make them your own. Maybe write them down, hand your list to someone so those things are marked off as "For Lisa - leave alone". Then leave the rest to someone else.
Okay, I'm off to do some Christmas/Chanukkah shopping. Chanukkah starts on Wed so we need those presents ordered today with quick delivery!
It can feel really overwhelming, we are all supposed to have a great time at Christmas. I get upset because I can't recall past times with nephew and neice. Now I know I have to have a new style. Enjoy it in the moment. Take photos or videos as reminders and if I need a nap. Then that's ok too.
Definitely talk it through with your friends and family. Hope they can help you x
oh your not complaining just voicing how shit it can be in a different body /brain .. I get what your saying and feel the same right now .. I’m 3 years past accident and was quite happy putting my tree up the first time since the accident this will be the 4th Xmas and I actually felt like I am actually feeling it .. then husband comes home and doesn’t like me asking why he was altering the oven temp when all he was doing was checking the temperature .. I stupidly said it could have been said in a nicer way and the argument started .. me and my difficulties with anger control ( thanks to TBI) I just lose it .. I can’t explain what he makes me feel like and I start throwing things … ( horrendous ) I couldn’t hate myself any more . And my ability to cope with my moody husband has gone … so beautiful Christmas tree to look at and feel like shit …. And like you all of this is coming from someone who really does care about others but days like today really makes me question why I’m fighting to get better 😢sue x
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