My brother's 17 year old grandchild was involved in a serious car accident 6 weeks ago. He is now in a vegetative state and obviously this is has completely floored the whole family. We are close - we have been on several big family holidays together, and have lots of family events . It has been traumatic for all concerned, but obviously his parents and grandparents are going through hell every day.
I went to see him at the weekend for the first time since the accident. He is in HDU. I was utterly shocked at what I saw. He is in a vegetative state, has spasticity and has lost about 3 stone in weight. It has really upset me and I keep going back to the image of him. I cannot imagine how his parents and immediate family are dealing with this.
I would like to support my brother and his partner, and be there for them, at the very least, but I'm not sure how to do this. What would be the most helpful and supportive way?
They are not social media users so would never access a site like or network like this.
I realise that I am not in the same situation as the vast majority of you out there, but I understand your hurt and the trauma, and I want to reach out to you all to ask what has helped you the most in this awful, awful situation? How can I help them?
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HoneyMonsta
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This has to be the worst thing imaginable for any parent.
I watched my beloved brother die of an auto-immune condition and, owing to my history of breast cancer, I was barred from donating bone marrow for a life saving transplant.
My sister in law, niece and nephew were heartbroken. My brother and I had always been close but we had our separate family lives and saw one another on birthdays, Christmases etc., and random visits. But during and after we lost him my sister in law and I became especially close. I'd adored him but knew my sis-in-law was struggling terribly without her soulmate, so I went every day to sit with her whilst she cried uncontrollably and we talked & talked ......trying to make sense of life without him.
She later described how our weeks of 'sessions' had pulled her through, leading to getting out of the house and facing the challenges of acceptance.
Just be available for your brother & family Honey. Phone to let him know you're thinking of them now & again. Call in casually when you can and avoid treading on eggshells ; your brother will benefit from talking freely with someone other than those more involved with his son's tragic fate. We all have to deal with our grief head-on ; there aren't ways around it, but a listening ear can be such a relief in knowing we're heard.
I'm so sorry for your nephew m'love, and for all his loved ones. Take care of one another... Love Cat x
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.
What cat3 said is so important.
Spending time and listening , to hold the space for them to process, is really important. You don't need to have any answers. Asking questions from a place where you are seeking to understand their viewpoint , without trying to fix anything, is also really helpful in helping people process. And, they likely would benefit from seeing a counsellor or being in a for family support group.
You can also,contact Headway and ask what they think - Headway also has a phone number pinned on the right - you can also give your family Headways phone number - I am sure they have things for people who are not in to social media. (I am in Canada and we don't have Headway here, we have more local societies that are all independent so it's a mixed bag.)
Do also remember , as family, you may also find support groups helpful.
It is really a shock to see someone you haven't seen for awhile after they have had a major health thing happen. It's something that always stays with you.
I'd also say talk to him and read to him even if they don't think he can hear. You never know and it gives people something to do. (I took some ambulance training years ago and they told us hearing tends to be the most robust sense... it can work when others are not.)
Mostly, remember to breathe. See that the sky is still blue and flowers still grow even when the world feels completely absurd and unreal.
Big virtual hug to you, these are difficult days.
Keep us posted, you are very welcome here, this is the right place (or at least one of them).
I am so sorry for the devastating position your family finds itself in. As Cat says be that listening ear and support for them - it will be appreciated as they try to deal with the shock/grief of what’s happened.
It is nearly three years since my son suffered a cardiac arrest resulting in a hypoxic brain injury. I recall how stressful those initial weeks were trying to cope with each day and taking in what the Drs were saying. I found it hard trying to speak to anyone without breaking down in tears - always held them in when visiting son though. Unfortunately we were in the height of COVID so visiting time was very restricted. My advice to his parents/family would be to keep talking to him, play music, keep a daily diary of everything relating to him. Ensure physios are giving him everything he needs exercises/ splints etc regarding preventing further spasticity/ possible contractures. Don’t be afraid to ask questions with medical staff and definitely speak up if not happy with anything. Also ask if the hospital is part of ‘Johns Campaign’ this is part of a caring initiative /support for families who have vulnerable family in hospital ( we weren’t told about this for some time).
This site has been a lifeline to me throughout these last years - I don’t do social media etc either. I viewed many posts for over three months before I felt up to making my first post.
You and your family have my very best wishes for a good outcome. He is only 17 so he has youth and strength to battle through. He obviously has a very loving family and he will know you are all there for him.
Hi, Sorry to hear the trauma you and your family are facing.As cat and leaf say are the best points, family support, time to process and for the injured.
Councilling for the family and then think about the injured mostly as you can help him process and make him better which in turn will help the family. I personally think that would help them the best.
As leaf says they still hear which was what brought me round. it can be frustrating for the person talking to them as it is lonely but think how the injured feels, all alone and scared, petrified?
The next thing is neuroplasticy, you can help him process and retrain the brain, which is the most important. He is young and hopefully makes progress. He will get frustrated that he might have forgotten to do things and get a sore head as his brain tries to remember how to do things. please do not be scared and just calm the situation down and do it in small steps. The anger can be very frightening for you. Keep trying in little phases as he and the family will thank you in the end.
Think of things he loves, like read a story to him, puzzle books, speak to him and say the questions, play some of his favourite music quietly so he can remember the good times which will also comfort him, music is very powerful, this next thing sounds daft but the simple things like deep breathing, this will help calm the muscles and brain and recovery. Also, try eye exercises which help the brain by focusing the eyes to move left to right and then up and down and focusing on the finger moving forward. I know he will not be ready for all this straight away but it will help with patience.
Food is also important, you can look up food for the brain. Blueberries and all berries are very good for the brain. This is using food as medicine which does help as well as being tasty compared to hospital food.
I wish you and the family and the injured all the best, and do not give up no matter what doctors say as they are always proved wrong. It can frightening as well to hear the words they say for the family. This is your job to look all this up and use the words; home remedy for .... to help the injured get better quicker and give them hope.
There is no fast route and it can take many years but do not give up! SMILE!!! Is the most important thing to help everybody.
I think you are helping just by being there for your family.
I cannot add anything worthwhile to the excellent advice from other contributors about how you might support your family and help see them through this tragedy.
What I should like to offer has a bearing on Leaf100's advice, that you need to take care of yourself too. This is a terrible shock for you as well.
Though you may not realize it, you can see a bereavement counsellor on your own behalf to help guide you through this awful time .
Finally, these are the words I saw on the wall at Reception in Addenbrooke's Hospital, where personal tragedies unfold daily. Though in common use, they reverberated for me during bleak times:
"This, too, will pass."
Even with a tragedy that seems insurmountable, I have found these words to be a solid truth, given enough time.
Your kindness is a beacon for your family. Just being there for them very likely means far more to them than you realize.
I think everything g has been said , but basically do what you are doing being supportive. You could try and help in any practical way you can to free their time up. Make sure they eat doing daft chores. Going for a coffee and reminding them to take care of themselves.
Walk their dog ( if they have one of course). Any little thing you can. Their minds like yours will be elsewhere but try and give them the time to visit by giving them the precious gift of time.
Also keep yourself healthy , you can't help if you yourself are run down.
Hi , I am sorry sorry to hear about you heartbreaking news . All you can do is be there for your family .. but also be there you you .. there is no magic advice in what what to do or say .. listen , talk , hug , scream shout and even be ignored or shouted at … you all will deal with this in a verity of ways no wrong no right …. The ultimate gift you all have is actually being there including giving space where needed … my love to you all and somehow you will get though this in someway …. Love sue x
So sorry, if it gives any hope. I was in an induced coma for 4 weeks after my accident. Suffered a traumatic brain injury. Broke bones etc. put my parents, family through hell, nothing could be done but wait in hope the coma would give my brain somewhere to recover?! So many weeks of no hope? I lost about 5 stone. It’s sure he’ll waiting, looking at a body in a bed, hooked up to all sorts!! Apparently if u get through the first week there is hope! They reduced the meds after a week and put me back into my coma as I was distressed. I can only say don’t give up hope! There is always hope, the brain is still alive so just hope!! Good luck & please continue with this site, many of us have all been where he is, easier than what u having to deal with!! People are here too that share your experience, hope they an offer more than us survivors!! U may never see us but we are all three for you all!! Good luck!
Thank you all so much for your overwhelmingly kind and supportive words. You have all blown me away. I'm not sure what sort of response I was expecting, but you have certainly gone beyond my expectations.
I am equally not sure how to reply to you all - so I am hoping that this works.
I have read all of your posts several times and cried a lot!
I am reassured that what I am doing seems to be the right thing, but it feels so little. Although I guess that in a situation like this, everything feels as if it's not enough!
I have made three lists - the first is of those things I can actively do, the second is the things I can suggest that they do and the final one is a list of some of the kind words that you have sent to me which I will share with them, when the time is right.
I have also written a letter to my brother and sister-in-law. Putting things on paper is so much easier than saying them sometimes.
The very first thing I am going to do, is to contact my niece with the link to this site, and try to introduce this site to the family - the support I have taken from your responses has been immense and just knowing that other people out there have experienced similar situations and understand the feelings that we are going through, is invaluable.
skydivesurvivor , I thank you for your words of comfort. You have given me great hope, because, after seeing my great-nephew (cripes, that makes me sound so old!!!! I might need to find another forum! 🤨) made me question what hope there was. I have felt massively guilty about losing faith, but it was such a shock - so to read how you went through what sounds like similar things and survived is amazing.
Thank you all for your support, and for sharing your experiences, knowledge and life stories.
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