Struggling with husband's hypoxic brain injury

[Trees2]

Hello everyone, I hope you're doing okay.

I'm having a tough week and wonder if anyone had any advice please.

My husband had a cardiac arrest 4 years ago and was unconscious for a while. Although he's physically doing okay - gets tired but coping, still doing some work, he's really struggled emotionally with hypoxic brain injury symptoms. It's only really me that deals with the effects of these - depression, anxiety, anger, apathy, loss of initiative, obsessive, moodswings, an inability to cope with change, not able to cope with day to day things like emails/phone calls etc.

I help and support but it's exhausting - and kind of cumulative as nothing really changes. I'm really depressed myself, although I try to do all the right kind of things for me with nutrition, exercise etc and finding time for myself but I don't see a way forward. He has had some help for PTSD but doesn't want to see anyone else - and feels no-one can help him, often says that he doesn't enjoy anything and is just waiting for things to get worse physically.

I just don't know what to do or how to move forward! I spoke to the Helpline just now and the very lovely lady there suggested joining this forum.

Thank you so much for any thoughts and sending best wishes to all.

[skydivesurvivor]

should I write this? Is it helpful?! Prior to my tbi my marriage was on the rocks anyway!! Husband said in legal document/ divorce I was no-longer the girl he married. Sounds like he’s changed but sounds very simular to me. U face a tough time ahead, anything to look forward to?

22 years later some family say I am a nicer person?!! He will develope his new character. I chose to shed the nasty qualities, polish the loved bits?!! If u can bear the transition u may find a more tolerable end product!! He may not show it, but is grateful of u perseverance!!! Sorry if I sound negative. U have a hard road ahead, may not get 100% of the old hubby back. The journey though may sate u to have 95% old him? With a few whacky bits to inspire you?!! Love is a wonderful thing, mine was already over hope yours can see u both threw, good luck!! Should u need a little support this is a great place to find it!! Hope have been inspiring!!

[Trees2 in reply to skydivesurvivor]

Thank you very much for this! Lots to think about - like the bit about the ‘wacky bits’!!!

I don’t think we always know what’s going on in people’s lives - really truly. Certainly only a few people know what’s happened with my husband hidden away from public view, a few closer have noticed something’s up.

I have a good career, a lovely house to live and friends. Lots to look forward to in that respect. I think I just need to try and find a kind of separation for myself to handle things! Somewhere there is the person I have known for a long time…

Prior to his cardiac arrest I noticed a distinct change in him over several months. He’d always been quite depressed. Just wondering if these things build up for a while. Almost thinking aloud here!

Thanks so much for taking the trouble to reply, I really appreciate it. I’m sorry for the breakdown of your marriage but glad it seems as though you have found a positive way forward, and now many years later.

Best wishes to you.

[Pairofboots]

Hi. My marriage was well on the rocks before my hiccup, some say it was the cause. It was like living in a parallel universe, reality verses her very strange abstract reality.I tried to be the husband I knew I was, but this just opened the door to mental and financial abuse. I'm not suggesting that the situation is the same in your case.

All I am saying is that you need to be realistic about what you can offer to the relationship and what you expect in return. For me personally, it was a relief when it finally ended. Some said about my ex "how could she be so mean to leave me in the lurch?" I don't hold any animosity except the nagging questions of how the heck did I end up in the situation in the first place, and I'd still like to ask her the question "why?".

Unfortunately neither of you signed up to what happened, and till death us do part can be purgatory if you are not on the same page.

Some do rekindle the original feelings that brought them together, others find a new relationship from the events, others it is the 'straw'. Only you and your husband can work this out.

Guilt, pity, what is 'right' will not be enough.

What ever the outcome, it has to offer mutual benefit for both of you. If you no longer have goals that satisfy both of your needs you must consider what the is really best. What is best for one has to be best for both.

[Trees2]

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply. I’m sorry your marriage broke down - and the circumstances.

I guess there’s no easy answer for anyone with a situation where something like this changes who a person is - especially when there’s a strong element of unpredictability.

I think my goal is now to try and find a pathway that suits how he is - that won’t be as it was but I hope it can be something.

Wishing you all the best.

[Hidden]

Only recently found out I suffered Hypoxic Brain Injury in 2020 post OHS, Stroke & Sepsis.

I am pretty much just a mobile vegetable now, unable to leave the house with out an appropriate adult, unable to play with the gas oven, drive a car or ride a bike - let alone walk down the road. I suffer dizzyness and lightheadedness which means I could collapse to the ground at any time. I have an electric wheel chair that follows or gets used according to how things are.

My poor wife has to be the minder/ carer though we are learning tricks so i can engage in duties in and around the house to be as useful and active as possible.

Through out all of this, I don’t get to fussed - no point I forget to easily, as do I forget to do some of those activities. I get frustrated occasionally at the idea I can no longer work, study, learn or retain information like I used to.

What we are trying to do now is get some one to explain it all to me and advise if any improvement is likely or is this my life now.