I don’t know what to do. Can someone advise me. Please.

[Singin]

my husband says that I am very unpleasant to him. That I have no insight into my behaviour.

i am really really really fed up.

I really don’t know what the point is.

i am unable to live on my own. I need him. But it seems I’m making his life very miserable. I’ve been trying, I think. But I’m lost.

can anyone help me ?

[paxo05]

Hi there.It's a hard situation. Like you I also had had problems realising the amount I had altered or the impact I had on those around me.

My wife broke down in the end and it led to us separating for a break.

This seemed to make me take stock of what had happened since my bi.

Thankfully we decided to give it another go, along with specialised marriage counselling. Trust me relate got into a panic given my bi.

It wasn't easy but we went back to dating which was he'll for me remembering to turn up at the right place and time, but worth it.

I don't know if you have children but we had a young family which we sat down and were honest with them.

Having a full insight into the changes and behaviour due to a bi can be hard.

Basically you both have to want the same thing.

All the best ,

Pax

[Singin in reply to paxo05]

thank you for your reply. I do feel that I would be better on my own. But that isn’t possible.

We do have children, 4 of them. They are grown up and all live 300 miles away. I do miss them terribly.

They keep me alive.

I do think that we need specialised counselling. We’re trying to muddle through. He is a medic which, believe me, does not help.

We do want the same thing, I think, but it is just sooooo hard. I’ve tried, struggled, worked hard, for the last 3 years. I don’t want this to be our future. We’re too old - I’m 63 next month. I am so so cross. It wasn’t my fault.

I’m really not sure how much longer I can keep trying.

[paxo05 in reply to Singin]

Please get help. Its hard muddling through. We got to a point of coping wasn't working.

We then decided to adapt this new life. Was I lucky that my bi happened in my mid 30' s , possibly. Adapting was a major turning point for us but was very hard to do.

I had to drop all resentment for how this change came and accept I was this awful new person.

It is hard but was so worth it.

Get the help you need, ask at your local headway or their national number.

Pax

[JULIETstevens in reply to paxo05]

you say the TBI happened in your 30s. I was 35. It was a terrible shock and took a long while to get used to and accet, but things do get better once you can come to terms with it and atart to try and move on/ Find a new focus- i chose my novel writing, but you choose a new focus you love. It'll take your mind off your recovery and give you something to work for. Your rehab team should love it too.

[paxo05 in reply to JULIETstevens]

Same here I was 35. It took a while to fully accept what I could no longer do anymore.

A lot of charity/ voluntary work has followed along with painting. I have not been able to find employment since my bi.

I tried writing about my experiences from journals I kept . I stupidly burnt them and promptly my laptop crashed. Not meant to be I suppose.

Good luck on the novels

Pax

[JULIETstevens in reply to paxo05]

that's great that you have your painting... i'd love to see some of your work- you can email me a picture if you like? my email is [e-mail]. I'd love to exchange creative work too if you;re up for it- i'm an author- writing a book about cats at the moment for the yeovil lit prize next year.

[Skulls]

I really do empathise. I am a similar age (64) and am finding our relationship a real struggle currently. She doesn’t want to understand what I am going through and is behaving very selfishly. We are no longer husband and wife (marriage vows in tatters) just co-habiting. I sometimes spend all day in bed alone. Yes, I do wonder why I bother carrying on…

[headwayuk Partner Headway]

Hi,

Please do contact our Helpline Team whenever you need them to offer you some support.

If you would like to get in touch: Tel: [phone] | Email: [e-mail]

The team are available 9am - 5pm, Monday to Friday, but you can leave an answerphone message at any time.

Best wishes,

Gemma

[1949liz]

Hi, I am sorry the hear about your situation and how unhappy you both must feel. You could go to relate but the waiting time is forever. Or you could ask yourself if you are unpleasant towards him? Maybe 🤔 about what is making you both unhappy and is it fixable, if not don’t think about age think about the time you have as we have only one go at life so live it. I am 73 and now live on my own it’s liberating and I am so much happier in my life. Try to talk with your husband and if it does not workout then take that mighty step. Love Liz xxx

[Leaf100]

Hi SinginSad you are going through this.

it's a thing - brain injuries are hard on relationships - don't know if it helps to know that or not.

Have you talked to Headway about it? Their number is in a link on the right.

Being a person in the medical field is a lot different than being a human with a loved one with a medical condition.

Headway will have ideas for both of you and perhaps couple stuff as well...not sure as I am in Canada rather than the UK.

I also don't know when you became injured - I will say that it takes quite awhile for th injured person to be aware of exactly how it impacts them. It is a difficult adjustment, and a moving target as things to change as healing happens.

So, do ask Headway what they have. They've heard it all and seen it all before. They are not a perfect resource from what I 've heard, and bi isn't well understood, and they beat trying to do it all on your own.

Take good care, S.

Leaf

[Charlie90]

hi there

I am so sorry that you are going through this

You are absolutely not alone

It is very very common for relationships to break down following bi

I have experienced this myself.

My engagement broke down and

all my relationships have been affected including with family

What is it exactly that he feels you are doing wrong?

do you have a neuropsychologist following your bi?

it would be really helpful to talk it through with them.

marriage counselling is also another option?

I feel you both need to be in the same page and want to make it work so you will fully participate in the counselling etc.

are there any reasons in particular you are not able to live alone

and why you need him

is it physical or emotionally

sorry don’t mean to pry

Z just hoping to offer advice after being in a similar situation

[bridgeit]

Hi Singin,

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I do not know how wise my suggestion might be for someone whose been through a BI, but here goes anyway in case it's of use to you.

I wonder if you might find trying out some mindfulness techniques helpful, maybe going along to a course or a retreat where you can both be by yourself and with others seeking to find a path to really focus down totally on what's troubling you, what you want/expect from life, how to relax and let go of ideas and thoughts that disturb you?

It might make a nice change if nothing else. It's just an idea.

Here's a link to a London-based organization that offers courses. There are loads of other options online to browse through:

londonmindful.com/

Here's another link that's broader-based offering retreats geared to all kinds of issues:

theretreatcompany.com/topic...

I hope you find the idea helpful but appreciate that it might not be right for you.

All the best.

[Seamus1967]

Does he understand your condition? Perhaps get him to read up on it? Wish you all the best. I hope he sees the light mate x

[JULIETstevens]

I blamed my husband for a while (without cause) because i missed the first year with my new baby and he got to do everything with her that i had wanted to do (as did grandma) Still, over time i have built a great relationship eith her and my 7 year old and we're now all great buddies, doing 'girlie' things together and just generally enjoying life. I'm loving my role as mum noe and have reclaimed that role off grandma (who i get on with, but who took on my role as mum during my recovery. Anyway, i'd love it if you'd tell me a bit more about yourself and your hobbies, how you got through your recovery and how you're doing now??? juliet x