Angry suicidal son

[Skallagrigg]

My son 27 has a brain injury,he was assaulted on 27 december,he was in coma ventilator,tracieoctomy etc then cranioctomy of part of skull,hes now off most tubes and talking and breathing on his own,hes also now got covid he cant sit or walk but has movement in one hand they said hes got bruising on frontal lobe which means mood swings but I m sat here now for nearly two hours with him texting he wants to die send for the police,he doesnt feel safe,etc etc etc is this normal? What do I say back? I just type I love him and he is safe

[Painting-girl]

So very sorry to hear this Skallagrigg. Others here can explain what happened to them after the trachiotomy which might be reassuring for you - it must be even worse for you knowing he has Covid.

You can ring the Samaritans 116 123 to talk over the weekend, they aren't only there for suicide. And to get some support during this, it will help to ring the Headway helpline on Monday on 0808 800 2244

And vent and ask questions here, as much as you need 😊🌸 xx

[Skallagrigg in reply to Painting-girl]

Thankyou,I,ve never known him be like this and I know it's the brain injury but oh my it's so sad for him to be like this

[Painting-girl in reply to Skallagrigg]

Must be really awful for you, anything hurting our children is - doesn't matter how old they are.

For what it's worth, I'm sending you a virtual hug (and yes, you are right, it will be the brain injury) 🌸 x

[Skallagrigg in reply to Painting-girl]

Hug accepted thankyou

[Shreds]

Hi

I feel your pain and uncertainty, plus can understand fully his anger. I dont think that is necessarily his BI, more a need for revenge on the evil people who assaulted him. Awful contracting covid too, but looking at the positives, he is thinking, aware of his situation and able to even use his phone, so in reality he is making rapid progress and covid is certainly something possible to pull through. A nurse I know who contracted it early on described to me the exhaution it created, but she pulled through and months later was even able to return to work. So evil disease that it is, do not dispair. Others have made it through.

Virtual hug nevertheless. Stay strong. ❤️

[TaIaV]

Feeling very sad for both of you. It is good that he is being open about what he feels, but I understand that that creates distress for you.

It sounds to me like you are instinctively doing the right thing: Providing simple consistent affirmations. They may or may not penetrate past the dark thoughts that his condition is generating, but exposure to your loving and calm thoughts can be the best "medicine" for him. Seeing yourself as the provider of that, may also give you strength.

I do not have personal experience to share. From what I have read from others who were at some point in your son's shoes, there are phases that must simply be endured, and family should try to not overreact to some of things expressed in the throes of the early stages of recovery.

Wishing you both peace and patience and health,

Taia

[neilhapgood]

I can’t believe what you are going off right now, as a parent this must be beyond painful. For me the anger free from ptsd, I explain what causes this on a web site I put together, if you go to braininjuryftp.com and then the ‘all a bit traumatic’ page there is some info on there that might be of interest. Sending loads of love and buckets of compassion xxx

[bridgeit]

Hi Skallagrigg. Difficult times for both you and your son. First, I have no personal experience of a situation the same as yours and I'm not a medic.

Second, I do have some experience of personality change through a dear friend who was in fear of her life and making all sorts of accusations about loved ones, while desperately ill. A specialist explained that the drugs she was on were most likely causing this effect, i.e. drug-related psychosis. She was convinced that her life was in danger (it wasn't) and tried to 'escape' her safe and comfortable environment more than once. She was genuinely terrified for her life and it was truly distressing to witness.

The culprit with my friend was morphine. She'd been given regular high-dose opioid for her underlying condition and it was causing mental disturbance. Things settled down slowly when her medication was adjusted.

Obviously, I don't know what kind of medication, if any, that your son is on, but it might help to bear in mind that certain types (opioids especially) can have both hallucinatory and personality impact including paranoia; and that's without the addition of a direct brain injury.

You say your son's brain is bruised. That suggests swelling somewhere. It could be that his odd perspective/attitude will continue at the very least until his brain has settled back down. According to what I've read, the frontal lobes are responsible for motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, and social and sexual behaviour, so I can only imagine how each of those functions might be adversely affected having a frontal lobe(s) injury.

Meanwhile, I think you're doing everything you can and, more importantly, everything right. Stay calm, reassure your son quietly and repeatedly, speak with his neuro specialist about the effect of (any) medication combined with brain bruising impact and anticipated recovery timeline. Take some comfort from what seems to be general experience where brain disturbance is concerned, that when your son's condition improves (it will happen) he may not recall any of his thinking or words from this moment in time.

It might help you to try and process his current thinking as a transient symptom of injury rather than an indicator of stable, rational reasoning. Try not to let his words "get" to you.

Stay strong, take advice/counselling and support from wherever you can find it and whenever it's offered to you. It seems to me you're on the right track; just keep going!

My very best wishes to both of you.

[Lulu_Lollipop]

So, so sorry. Wise words of advice here already. I wish you and your son all the best.

[smiley_pineapple]

You are both incredibly brave, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm so glad he is alive and able to speak and breathe. It will be a long journey ahead of recovery. The brain is incredible and mysterious, brain injury recovery is a miraculous triumph of our bodies capacity to heal itself, but very challenging and lengthy process spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. It's great that you are preparing yourself by contacting headway and getting the support that you need, they are a phenomenal organisation. Suicidal feelings are a natural response to a situation that is life changing and he is confronting a lot of things that are incomprehensible even to a so-called 'normal' brain- like the possibility of loss, of irrevocable change, of human violence, and with brain injury it can feel like loss of selfhood. All of his memories and experiences and concepts of life will be undergoing massive transformations as he attempts to integrate them into his new brain, at the same time that it is healing. All of the normal aspects of grief will occur: rage, denial, bargaining, suicidality, fear. He won't be able to communicate this in the way that he used to, that will also undergo changes and challenges. Your best way of supporting him is to believe in his healing capasity, even if that process seems outwardly futile or distressing at times. To offer presence and love when it is needed. Holding space for him and allowing him to self-direct his recovery, even if it doesn't seem to make sense. Who he is hasn't changed- he is still the person he has always been, but it will take time to recognise that. There's no him then, and him now. Brain damage doesn't change the core of a person's spirit. Time is the greatest healer in this instance, and patience. I recommend Feldenkrais method for anyone who is at a later stage in healing. There are milestones ahead that you can look forward to celebrating with him, as he is alive and thus will heal because that is what bodies do. That is what his soul seeks to do also. Love to you both xxx

[cat3]

Many wise words already m'love but just hoping to reassure you regarding the odd behaviour. My family dreaded what they'd find each day after I was hospitalised with a brain haemorrhage 9 years ago. I was SO surprised to see my daughter (believing she was a kind neighbour) and I constantly complained about the spotless, modern HDU unit being 'filthy' and threatening to clean the ceiling if someone would bring me a stepladder..

I fell helpless on the floor after lowering the safety rail and sliding off the bed, pulling out my lines and losing blood. And (SO unlike me) I swore like a trooper. My daughter feared I'd permanently lost my mind, but she was assured by staff that mine was perfectly normal behaviour after a brain injury (frontal lobe bleed).

Your son's brain will be struggling to make sense of his surroundings since emerging from the coma and, although he may not even remember any details, there's probably a sense of foreboding from the attack. So please keep doing what you're doing with repeated reassurances and loving words. I'm so sorry you and your son are caught up in the extra complications of your son's Covid and the ban on visiting ; it must be heartbreaking for you both.

Sending love and hugs and all best wishes for your son's good progress and happier days ahead. Cat x

[Skallagrigg in reply to cat3]

Thankyou all for your words it's a horrible covid time which doesnt help,I just want to hug him last saw him 3 weeks a go he has come on amazingly physical wise well he has one good hand better than none,mentally he has a 20 second memory so if hes angry he repeats the same phrase every 20 seconds last night for 3 hours i got mum help me I,m begging you every 20 seconds, he seems to have forgotten it today,thank goodness, but last night when i posted i was so sad for him, as a parent i suppose we kiss and make it better, covid has certainly robbed me of that thankyou

[cat3 in reply to Skallagrigg]

The short term memory issue is one of the commonest after-effects, but he's progressed extremely well otherwise. Unfortunately for you it's the passage of more time which is needed for his brain to recalibrate and readapt to the here and now.

Wishing the very best for you both... x

[Chica68]

Hi at the present time ide say just being there for him is a big help and reassuring him as you are doing ,later there will be psychological assessments and counselling no doubt..its a long journey ahead but with your support, he will improve all the best,to you both take cars ,here to talk anytime 🙂😘😘

[Skallagrigg in reply to Chica68]

Hes off the covid ward so pleased, hes back on previous ward which I ve nicknamed the happy ward,lol he gets more physio on this ward he gets a helmet on tuesday to take some of the fear away of falling it's so much more structured, I feel like the physio will tire him out so the angry ness is lessened, i,m feeling hopeful again phew it's such an emotional rollercoaster and we have such a long journey ahead but I,m going with the motto positivity rules, typing in this forum is going to be my release, glad I joined ,I know no one can tell me how he ends up but reading the experiences really does make me feel ok thankyou

[Chica68 in reply to Skallagrigg]

Hey that's great news at least he is somewhere more conducive to rehab! Sounds much better for him.You are right positive thinking definitely helps and he will take his lead from you ! Your doing great though it's a very difficult situation but just try to take it one day at a time,the improvements will be small at first then bigger as he recovers ,we are all here for you it's sometimes harder to watch than it is to go through it so remember to take care of yourselves too It's a tough time but he will get there

😘

[Chica68 in reply to Skallagrigg]

Hey how are you all doing ? Are you coping okay? Is the rehab helping yet,? It takes time but he will get there 😘😘

[Skallagrigg in reply to Chica68]

Hi so much better this week,the happy ward has a routine which I,m sure helps him,hes tired at the end of day, and we get to zoom every day at 4 which is so good for all the family, he may repeat everything every 5 minutes lol he sometimes turns the camera to the ceiling because he doesnt like to see his head with the dint in it,but other days hes started making jokes about him looking like the guy out of the goonies, bless ,but the routine and physio are definitely doing him good no aggression for 5 days now, hes growing his beard because of the trac scars, I suppose it's a good sign hes thinking of how he looks because I forget that at 27 looks are important,to me hes gorgeous because hes alive, he hasn't got his helmet yet so physio is all with assistance hes still very weak on right side,a long haul with the brain as you say, and thankyou so much for asking it does help

[Painting-girl]

So glad he's off the Covid ward at least S x

[Skallagrigg]

Good amazing news!!!!I got a call from hospital I can visit for one hour today at 12.30 cant wait going to get my hugs in

[Skallagrigg]

Well he gets moved on monday to a rehab unit, to teach him to walk,eat go the toilet etc and memory hopefully which is great the downside no visitors yet but I just think when I do visit I ll see such a vast improvement he knows hes moving and its upset him so hoping he,ll settle quickly with new staff and surroundings

[Skallagrigg in reply to Skallagrigg]

Well the new rehab unit has no zoom facility no visiting, and the nurses answer to how he is is "hes fine" no communication from them, I had to ring to see when and if I could phone him, what happens with his washing, talking to him,when I get through,he sounds confused and sad, I know moving will have confused him, but he was so agitated the other night the doctor rang me to ask what they should do? Really???? I told them talk to him, just talk to him calmly but firmly, jeez ,it sure is a rollercoaster,

[Painting-girl]

Oh Skallagrigg that doesn't sound easy - but the rehab must help I guess. Hugs xx

[Skallagrigg in reply to Painting-girl]

I hope so,problem is I need to see him cos his brain mixes stuff up,last time we went without visits,6 weeks,he told me he was walking and going the toilet with a walking stick, great I thought, when I visited I realised he wasnt, he hears people say in a few weeks you,ll be walking on your own,and then thinks he is he actually managed to be lifted from his wheelchair to stand and hug me last week, but he was trembling gripping my shoulders tightly and said get me back in my chair,so scared of falling poor love he is so skinny and right leg still sort of floats around . So when he tells me hes walking going the toilet and doing squats I tell him hes doing great but I do wonder, he rang last night and just sounds sad

[Painting-girl]

Hello S, it's a sad and confusing time. It must be excruciating not being able to see him. I'm glad you got to hold him last week though.

What sort of support do you have? Xx

[Skallagrigg in reply to Painting-girl]

I have this group and that's it hes been in hospital 3 months now and as most know people stop asking how you re doing after a while, I only talk about him in here

[Painting-girl in reply to Skallagrigg]

Glad you can talk in here at least. Very hard for you getting through such a trauma in your own.

You can always talk to the Headway helpline, who are always good to talk to - both for moral support and practical information. Then there's local Headway branches that would be a support to you both

You may already have has a look at this stuff, but I'm just putting in the links below in case they might help you.

Keep talking on here too 👍😊🌸 x

headway.org.uk/about-brain-...

headway.org.uk/supporting-you/