Looking for advice

[EmmaTops]

Hello, I’m new here and hope you fantastic people can help me or point me in the right direction. I had a nasty accident with my horse in August resulting in an open skull fracture with 2 big bleed on my brain needing emergency surgery, I very nearly didn’t even make it to the hospital. I have a lot of problems resulting in this but every since it happened (I know it sounds a bit morbid) all I keep thinking about it death. I keep thinking about what happened and what would have happened if I wasn’t found. Also I’m staying with my Nan (she’s 83) and I keep thinking about what I would do if she wasn’t here. she’s getting on she’s not going to be here in a few years and it’s goes over and over in my head. Just wondered if anyone else has these dark thoughts and what they do to help. Thank you for you time and I wish all the best to anyone else in the same situation as me.

[Marnie22]

Hi. I am just wondering if you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what happened. I got my brain injury in hospital and was only diagnosed with PTSD by a neuropsychologist about two years afterwards. You could search online and see if the symptoms match up to what you are experiencing. Sometimes it's hard to get the right doctor who knows enough to diagnose you correctly - many doctors don't recognise PTSD and many know very little about brain injury. Just to mention, if you do think you have PTSD, make sure that you see a therapist who is trained in trauma focused therapy, as 'normal' therapy can make things worse.

I have been having EMDR and it has been really effective.

Take care.

🙂🌸

P.S. If I can help, just let me know.

[AndrewT]

Dear EmmaTops,

Let me Start with a BIG WELCOME, to our Group and Merry Christmas.

I'm not, one bit, surprised that you are feeling, shall I say, 'Rather Uneasy' about Life- at the moment. In short you have, at the very least, suffered a Very Large 'Shock' to your System. I'll 'ignore' all the, highly probable, Brain Damage- that you have suffered- and concentrate 'Just' on the Physical Aspects of the Trauma.

All of your body, has had a 'very nasty' Jolt- remember how you 'felt' after you Fell Down The Stairs, how you felt 'wrong' somehow? How your Dad was, after he fell off that Ladder, the one you told him was 'Dangerous'? When your Brother, Sister, Cousin fell out that tree- 'Right From The Top'? When that 'Silly School Friend' landed herself in Hospital- couldn't even 'speak', for a week, could she? Well YOUR Trauma is Many, Many 'Times' greater than Any of those. Your Thoughts/ Dreams, of Dying, are-I suspect, part of your, 'Healing Process'. Specifically beginning to realise Subconsciously just how 'Close You Came'- if you Hadn't had Anyone Else 'There'.......

Any Traumatic Brian Injury (TBI) certainly WON'T have 'Helped the Shock, or Fear, that you have sustained. DO go to the Doctors/ Hospital, over this Emma, Difficult as it is Currently. Ask them for a Brain Scan which will, at least, tell them- at the physical level anyway- what has 'Happened' to you.

Finally let me assure you....Your NOT, in any way, 'Crazy', 'Stupid' or 'Mad'... nor are you 'Losing The Plot'- you are just a Lady who has had a VERY Nasty Shock. Under Normal Conditions, I would recommend a Trained Counsellor- as it is, at the moment, maybe Telephone your Local Headway Branch, it will be in the Phone Book- or On Line.

If you want to contact me, or indeed any of us, again we are always More Than Happy to hear from you. If you would rather, you can (P)rivate (M)essage me Emma.

Once again, please have a.... Merry Christmas, from us all.

AndrewT

[cat3]

Welcome Emma ; glad you've found us.

It could be you're in the throes of PTSD. A life threatening brain injury highlights the issue of mortality, and coming close to death often leaves the survivor feeling acutely insecure.

It's a natural survival response but one which can become morbidly obsessive if not recognised as a mental illness and dealt with. But you've made a great start by opening up about your fears.

Dark thoughts had been the bane of my like since adolescence and it was a combination of counselling and anti-depressants which eventually restored my sanity. Scary thoughts thrive in the dark areas of the mind, and by bringing them into the light by talking shows them up for what they are .......thoughts not facts.

I hope talking with others here might help relieve some stress. Getting your thoughts back on track can take time and trust, but it's achievable whether by sharing ideas with others here or by professional counselling and/or anxiety medication. It's achievable, little by little, I promise.

See you later m'dear... Cat x

[Painting-girl]

Hello Emma,. I'm so sorry you've had this accident and that you are having such difficult thoughts to handle, and all the problems that come with brain injuries.

You've done really well to reach out here, because the main thing is to talk about this and not deal with it on your own. As the others have said, you've had a very frightening experience, and have also probably not been ill for this long ever before, so you will need some outside help to get you through this, with help from your own doctors, support from here, a psychologist and probably some anxiety medication (which really do help) as Cat says.

The Headway helpline is good to ring on 0808 800 2244 during the day. But as your thinking won't be always happening in office hours, it might help you to ring the Samaritans and talk to them too - their number is 116 123 and this is their link below for email as well -

samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

So take care, let us know how you are getting on, and meanwhile I'm sending you a big virtual hug from me

Jen 🌸 x

[bridgeit]

Hi Emma, I think what you're experiencing is normal. How many of us actually think about our death and its management/implications until we're hit smack in the face with the inevitable end to our life and forced to realize its certainty?

You've been forced, owing to nasty accident and very close call, to face that thing which most of us sail merrily through life without seriously considering, thinking about or planning for, at least until we hit very old age. And you've found gaps in your planning. This I think especially affects those of us who are not constantly surrounded by close family.

First, I think you need to be kind to yourself. Accept that these 'dark thoughts' are part of the process of healing.

Second, consider that these thoughts may be your subconscious mind trying to raise awareness with you, if you have not already made plans, to address the practical issues concerning (inevitable) death. For example, making a will, formalizing an 'advanced decision' to make sure your wishes are carried out in the event of incapacity (this should be lodged with your GP and next of kin), arranging (or at least thinking about) a Lasting Power of Attorney should incapacity arise at some point and discussing all of this with family and a good solicitor. Make sure your wishes are known and formalized - and don't forget to put an "ICE" contact onto your mobile phone.

Once these assurances are in place, you may well find that your "dark" thoughts settle down and subside, because you have, to the best of your ability, planned for the inevitable end of your life however it arrives. You will have answered the questions you have that all begin with the words "what if?".

Then you can comfortably get on with your life and put dark thoughts behind you; you're sorted.

[Painting-girl in reply to bridgeit]

Hi bridgeit you mean well, but Emma only had her riding accident in August - so all that might actually be a bit too hard to sort out this soon after a seriousTBI!

Emma, you say you're staying with your nan - is she your only family? Try not to worry too much for her at the moment - as a granny myself, with an 85 year old mum, we're probably tougher than we look 😊 Try and concentrate on getting well for a bit longer, it's early days yet.

Jen 🌸

[Guppygould]

Hi Emma. As other people have said, your thoughts are perfectly 'normal' after a severe head injury. Being aware of our own mortality is one of the things that makes us 'human'! Considering death might seem grim for most people, but I don't think that has to be the case.

I have said in other posts on here, that (in my opinion,) it is possible to 'flip' almost any situation into a positive one. I went through a 'dark' phase after my TBI (from falling 30ft,) but now I can look at things very differently. -The way I'm looking at it these days is that, yes, some things might be harder for me now, but it is just a challenge. That doesn't mean it's 'game over' and it's just time to lie down. Maybe you could do something similar?

Personally, I think that personal hardships and challenges that come up in life can be used to help people 'focus' and make the most of the limited time that we have here. Whether this is experiencing a lot of, or specific things or just living in such a way as to maximise the time that you have. -I'm 29 at the moment and my TBI basically wrote off a lot of my 20's for the things that I could experience and I have been preparing for the latter and making the best lifestyle habits for me at the moment with a view to having 'experiences' if I grow-up.

I think that it might be helpful to look at things now for you is to understand that life is not only 'constants', but a state of flux. -This will be especially true for you now, you are probably going through big changes and improvements in your capabilities at the moment. -I spent 7 months in hospitals after my TBI! But I've gone on to do what doctors and other medical professionals didn't think I could. I finished my Chemical Engineering degree, have held several jobs and just bought my own place.

I would talk a lot more about this stuff, but those are the main points that I have for you specifically here.

Hopefully this was useful,

-Leo

[Lulu_Lollipop]

Welcome to the group, Emma. I echo all the wise words above. Perfectly understandable to have those thoughts after your accident. I am very glad you survived such a thing. I didn't have an accident (touch wood, fingers crossed etc), but I did have counselling after my surgery. My workplace (now gone) provided and paid for 5 sessions for that and then they very kindly offered me a further course of sessions after the death of my father, which happened a few months after my op. The counselling was so helpful a nephew of mine paid for further sessions to help me through my appalling divorce. Just sitting there talking to someone openly and without having to spare their feelings (as I did with my family) helped hugely. I was calm throughout as I offloaded my thoughts, feelings and concerns. All the best to you. Tracey xx

[Lulu_Lollipop]

Best wishes to all of you from me. Reading your posts, I am full of admiration for you all. Keep up the good work, all. Bluddy inspirational xx

[RecoveringH]

Hi Emma,

When I was 7 I was sat behind my friends saddle on her small pony and as it jumped a hay bale my arms around my friends waist let go and I fell off the back of the horse onto straw baling. I bounced because I was young and it was onto straw but the experience is still shocking. After that I never did like the back end of a horse! : ) I hope you are still talking to your horse x

There was a moment in my darkest days when I hacked my own brain. I was in a place of headaches, mood swings, heart palpitations, sweats, tingling, weak muscles, 2 hour stint sleeps maximum, no planning executive function, intermittent short term memory, long term memory gone, self identity lost, aggressive roars from inside have no idea where from, and I was stood by my radiator in my lounge. I was clutching the metal of the radiator and asking for help. It was a sort of prayer to the universe for clarity. Then in that moment time seemed to stop and I took a deep breath and a moment of clarity came. And I had a realisation. That the emotions were not real. They were a symptom of the chemistry imbalance that I was in the experiencing. The emotions were not real and didn't make sense because they were not meant to.

The realisation simply put was that my brain was trying to tell me something and I wasn't listening. I was responding to the emotion and not the message. I was to ignore the emotion and focus on the message.

From then on, every emotion I felt, I simply wrote it down in my diary and let go of it. And each line of emotion written, I dissected it and wrote an explanation to my diary about the circumstances of how that emotion arose. This formed the message.

Messages such as "you left it too long without water" or "too long without food" or "not enough oxygen fresh air exercise " or "you've done too much" or "you are too hot too many clothes on" or "you haven't slept enough" or "your vitamins are deficient".

After that, the game was in my court. I was back in the driving seat of a very injured body which was receiving confused and clashing signals from the brain. Ah HA! I realised the brain chemistry was creating emotions that were not real.

And the rest as they say is history. My diaries were short when I was feeling really bad and longer and more interpretive when I was feeling good. The more I wrote, the more I understood, the more I could hear what my body wanted. Confidence grew and attempts at riskier learning which facilitated faster growth and recovery.

For instance, regular time of day meals was one thing that made a huge difference. Diet changes.

Exercising at the same time each day for the same duration for a week. To ensure I could keep to it, the exercise routine was basic. Eg sit on floor touch toes ten times. Stand and swing arms 100 times. Walk around the block for 15 mins.

By the fact I kept to something for a week at the same time of day (with setting alarms on my phone to remind me of the time to exercise), gave my brain a structure to work with, so the emotions lessened, chemicals starting balancing out and the brain began to focus on the challenges I set. And regrowth, rebalance, and taking vitamin supplements all followed. And the emotions regulated themselves as the chemistry worked itself out over time.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. - Mother Theresa.

Choose what you do with your today, your now. Choose to be happy. Watch films, cartoons, things that used to make you laugh and smile. Bring the gift of laughter into the present moment. Happiness is a habit.

Adopt the habit of choosing to be happy in the now because there is only now. Two things to be sure of, death and taxes. That is guaranteed. If its a surety, no need to worry about it. Focus on things which you have the power to create like laughter, happiness, contentment, warmth, connection with nature, breathing deeply and saying I love you my body.

Merry Christmas to you and A Very Happy New Year for 2021. Best wishes.

[Superwoman2020]

When I've had dark thoughts,I tend to read,watch a film/distract myself, even if it's listening to music, anything that can make me think of other things

[Hidden]

Wise words from everyone Emma but the most important thing to remember is that you were strong enough to survive your accident,mine was at 2.30am lucky for me my sons partner must have heard me yelp and she woke him he was told I wouldn't have lasted till morning by a and e dr and yes I have issues now but similar to you I came close .I always look on it as a positive because I survived and that is a blessing and you did too.S peak to your Dr see if they think you need referred for counselling or medication,speak to your Nan too see if she's enjoyed life I know that I'm closer to the end than the beginning but I know when I go out I'll know I was over by all who were with me when I needed them.