Withdrawal after TBI

[Darcy5900]

My close friend is in Hospital recovering from a TBI. I can't visit him at the current time. He seems to have withdrawn from me! Is this normal after a TBI? I miss him very badly.

[m4tthall]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your friend. I can only speak about my own experience. I am sure every situation is different and individuals cope in different ways. I did find myself initially happy to be in hospital during covid without being able to have visitors. Personally, I found this to be the space I needed to come to terms with what had happened, how I initially recovered (obviously these things then tend to be longer term) and simply reflect on my life. Subsequently the support from my family, and my wife in particular, was absolutely essential and I would have found my journey far more challenging without some support network.

It's hard to offer any advice but I guess it depends on what withdrawal means in this instance. How long it has been going on and whether your friend is getting the support they need from other avenues? If they have withdrawn from everyone completely I wonder whether that is healthy. However, they may be drawing upon those around them at this time, who are in the same ward going through similar challenges. I know I found that to be helpful during my initial healing process.

All the best

[Darcy5900 in reply to m4tthall]

Hi. Thanks for your reply. I haven't been able to visit my friend since late October. We were initially face timing, messaging etc..but it gradually got less and less.

I was his only constant visitor, going 3 or 4 times a week, and his constant support.

He did message me the other day, which was lovely to hear from him. I know he's had a massive amount to deal with, he only had his accident in the last 6 months, and had life changing injuries along with a brain injury.

Such a difficult situation for him and for me.

[Guppygould]

Hi Darcy500,

You may have heard this before, but it is still very early days for your friend post-injury. I can only speak for myself, but I was at University at the time of my accident and I had various friends come to visit me, and while it was nice to see them and to know that they cared, I also didn't really want anybody to see me in that situation. I'm still fairly withdrawn (in comparison to how I was pre-TBI) nearly 9 years later, but this will probably illustrate how it varies from person-to-person. I acted the same way to one of my best friends when I was in hospital and I still feel shame for it to this day, but she will never know that haha. Maybe he is in a similar situation to what I was?

-Leo

[Darcy5900 in reply to Guppygould]

Hi Leo,Thanks for your feedback.

It's so difficult for everyone involved when suffering from a TBI, particularly the patient and close friends and family.

I had been my friends only constant visitor, and I have done so much for him, from buying him clothing and other essential items, taking him for trips, visiting him 3 or 4 times a week, a trip of 140 miles. And supporting him all the way since his accident. Its been extremely stressful, but we do these things for the people we love.

Now because there is no visiting allowed, since the 27th October, obviously his mood is low, and he is probably feeling neglected and abandoned.

He started accusing me of doing things behind his back which obviously I haven't, and being aggressive towards me. Whilst I realise this is part of his TBI talking, its still extremely upsetting.

This behaviour got worse after lockdown, and now we have little or no contact.

I miss him terribly but haven't wanted to pressurize him, so I've stopped contacting him.

I worry about him constantly, and would love it if his mood improved and we were able to get back on track.

Having no visitors must be terrible for anyone in Hospital, and mental health issues must be a result of having no outside contact or stimulation. Like being in prison for anyone in Hospital.

I wonder if his mood will improve once hes allowed visitors again, but no one knows when this will be.

It's all so frustrating and I feel powerless.

[Guppygould in reply to Darcy5900]

It will be difficult for you to appreciate, but please know that how he is appearing to act towards you and anyone else is not meant in malice. He will return to 'normal' in time. I know that when I was in my first hospital I didn't know where I was for a lot of the time and was basically unaware of visitors.

Even when I got transferred to another hospital after a few months, I upset one of my best friends and she stopped visiting me because I told her not to as I felt ashamed/embarrassed.

I think that you need to understand that YOU cannot affect the situation that he is in or how he is behaving.

-Leo

[sealiphone]

When I was in hospital is was very difficult to be able to follow a conversation, so visits could be a real chore.

When I came out of hospital we attended the party of our friend's daughter, I knew many people there and apparently spoke to no one during the 2 hour party, I was very surprised when my wife told me.

So being distant at this stage is very normal, give it time.

[Darcy5900 in reply to sealiphone]

Thanks for this. Its very reassuring.

[New_beginning]

Sad you have been one standing, waiting for him, but continue to do so. Unfortunately he will be processing what is happening and then being in unfamilar environment will cause more confusion Continue to phone, its going to be a long road but stick with your heart, hes your friend, i know from own experience people disappear , a friend like you is much needed. Dont give up.

[Darcy5900 in reply to New_beginning]

Thanks for your comments. It's all so frustrating and I feel powerless. Brain injury is so devastating, and difficult for everyone to understand. But in time, hopefully he will make a recovery and realise I am only here to help and support him. Waiting is horrid, but I guess I need to give things time.

[New_beginning]

Just be opened minded with recovery hopefully going in right direction, there can be change of personality, were only 10th month now and im still figuring my husband out, weve been married 19yrs,