What do you do?

[Glenquoich]

What do you do?

It's the most frightening and yet seemingly innocuous question in the world for me. It's usually among the first three questions I'm asked when meeting someone new and I either lie (I hate lying), evade or answer with a humorously sarcastic "Most days begin with a short visit to the toilet!"

This morning as I struggle with motivation to get out of bed (I'm going through another cycle of low or non existent motivation) I'm pondering the hand of cards I was dealt as my passage into adulthood coincided with my my TBI 36 years ago. This is definitely, for me, the hardest part of being a Brain Injury Survivor, the thoughts: "what might I have done and why is everybody else I know and love living life to the full?"

I gave early adulthood my best shot; university- failed, a reasonably good job in local government- lost due to ill health, a music career- I won't even go there: to this; struggling to get out of bed and spend the day doing some household chores and maybe a walk, if the fatigue gatekeeper allows.

This is in sharp contrast to my 'peers', siblings, friends and wife.

I grew up in a working class area in Central Scotland during high youth unemployment in the 1980s and this was probably my incentive to study hard at school and attain the best qualifications at school that I could. Then my accident happened 2 months before finishing. Since then my life's trajectory (despite my best efforts) has gone in the diametrically opposite direction to those close to me.

My closest friends; an Architect, he was the senior designer for the Richmond Olympic Oval for the Vancouver Winter Games; a Civil Engineer, the geotechnics expert in the construction of Hong Kong airport; a Head of Cyber Security at a large telecoms company; a Graphic Designer with his own large practice in Sydney; a Lawyer with his own multinational construction arbitration practice; an Artist (very famous but I won't say who); even my roadie from my music days went on to play drums with a multi million album selling band.

My siblings; a Doctor, a Head Techer, a Stocks Trader in Sydney, a Pensions Fraud Specialist.

My wife: a YTS trainee in a travel agents when I met her, now Global Training Director for a major Life Sciences company and (pre-covid) has been to as many different countries as I've had hot dinners.

I could go on with listing some of the more peripheral friends but this rant is long enough as it is.

The thing is; we all started from the same place, the same neighbourhood, the same town, same schools, same background, similar parents and the same opportunities.

Until my opportunities changed with one random event on one random evening.

I'm going through some therapy with a Clinical Psychologist at the moment for to deal directly with the Brain Injury (I only had to wait 34 years to attain that!). We have been covering loss and adjustment over the past 12 months. I quite clearly see the losses. The question is... How in God's name am I supposed to adjust?

[RecoveringH]

Glenquioch

Thank you for sharing. What successes have you had in 34 years? I'll bet your list will leave them staring in awe at your patience, persistence, inner strength and all the other qualities you have had to learn with a BI. Experiences they have not had.

Look what you have gained. You appear to have a timeline in your mind of what you should have done and are whipping yourself because that timeline didn't appear. However, this timeline, the one that you are on, is allowing you to take the time with a psychologist to appreciate what life actually is, what it means to be alive, to be in a physical body.

Perhaps look into functional medicine to better understand your fatigue and what foods and supplements can be trialled to test their impact on your day to day energy levels. The adjustment comes with seeing the beauty in each day, with shutting your eyes, taking a deep belly breath of loving peace and saying " I love you my body" and breathing out all the negative feelings and thoughts.

After all, your body has had to do more healing than possibly any other person you have listed above. Your cells have had to work harder replacing themselves and rewiring and reconnecting. Your body is a miracle in that it is still here despite all it has been through. That in itself is a joy. There are plenty of souls floating around above the Earth waiting in a long queue to come into a physical body and live out their karmic lives to manifest in this Earthly plane. You, have a body. You have a gift of the present moment. You can breathe. You can smile. You can feel. What do you choose to feel? Happiness is a habit of choice once we understand what makes us happy, we keep doing those things.

There are those that do and there are those that be. I was a doer and now I am a be-er!! Cheers. Best wishes. Och aye the noo.

[SillyPhil]

I just put a long reply under your other Post. I'm pleased to 'meet' you, fellow Survivor.

My accident was 22+ years ago. I'm now 57, 58 next week. I get away with saying 'I'm retired.' but I hate the fact that in reality I live on benefits. I still mourn 'pre-accident Phil' and the life that I feel I should now be living. Tough isn't it? BUT I've tried suicide 3 times and am obviously crap at it so... Life Must Go On.