I feel so selfish and such a fraud because once I awoke from the coma after my accident I made an immediate instant recovery and I’m one of those really annoying people that doesn’t even look like they have had an accident.
However since my recovery I have struggled with only one thing, really intense anger to the point that I could rip apart anybody that irritates me! Plus on top of that I have a very few days where every two minutes I just want to cry.
I just don’t understand it or the way I feel when these feelings hit me. I know anybody that knows me thinks all this is due to my bipolar. But I know it’s not. I have absolutely no feelings or signs of depression. I’m just so angry. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been determined and a bit aggressive but never this bad and I don’t know what to do to calm myself down or to just walk away.
Can anyone relate to this? I would be really grateful for any information or even someone that can understand the way I feel.
Initially I put it down to the control freak in me. I struggle with the fact that I do not remember the accident and that it was probably my own fault, not sure how but I have to blame somebody so why not me? The other answer I came up with was because of the huge operation I had to have, they decided my beautiful, waist length dark hair had to be shaved off. My sister is a qualified hairdresser and bless her she bought me a beautiful, real hair wig. But I hate having to wear it. My hair is growing really quick. Bearing in mind that on the 14th of January they shaved my head to the skin. It is now the length of the hair of the singer Pink and as she is my idol I should stop moaning!!
I’m so sorry to have whinged on and on. But at least anybody else feeling like this knows they are not alone. Any light that could be given to any idea of how to cope with this will be very much appreciated.
I wish you all peace, happiness and a whole lot of luck.
Take care,
Vikki
Written by
Danger19
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Your posts show that you are a lovely caring person so don't be so hard on yourself. The loss of your hair would upset any woman but it will grow again remember.
All sorts of things cause temper and I suppose the most basic thing is monthly periods. A sure thing to change mood.
You say you had no problems from the brain injury but maybe it is connected.
Have you talked this over with your GP?
You mention Bipolar. Again a reason to speak to the GP.
Can you believe the first appointment I could get with the GP is on Monday? Thank you so much for thinking of me. I will message you after the appointment and let you know how I get on.
I wish you a lot of peace, a lot of happiness and a whole lot of luck.
Although my injury wasn't on your scale I can really relate to your post.
You say the surgery was in January. That is like yesterday in brain injury terms. You are still in the "natural" healing phase.
If you don't live alone and there is someone you trust completely you could have a conversation with them and ask them to tap you on the shoulder and say your name in a firm flat voice if you are about to blow your top.
And the floods of tears .....I recognise that too.
It was only after about a year and a half that an occupational therapist suggested that I could be depressed. I didn't have time to be depressed was what I said.
On the 2 year anniversary of my injury a specialist told me to go and grieve and to cut a long story short counselling was the best thing that could have happened.
Thank you so much for your lovely response. Your absolutely right when you say what a short time it has been since my accident. I think because I have been so lucky I have just carried on as I was before my accident when actually I should probably give myself some time. I’ve been trying to make things as easy as possible for my family and my children after experiencing what was such an awful time for them. My 10 year old and 14 year old probably saved my life and were told along with my family that I had a 5% chance of survival. I think it’s as though I keep trying to prove how lucky I have been instead of just giving my brain a bit of time to recover. You have really given me some positive things to consider. Especially when you asked about my living arrangements because my husband disappeared 10 years ago. So I live alone with my children and they need me to be the mum they know and remember. I am going to take some time for myself. Again thank you so much.
There are lots of great leaflets on the headway website that can help you work on different things.( a word of advice here .,make sure you only take on one thing at a time).
The helpline is great as well.
Your memory of the accident may or may not return and if it doesn't its not the end of the world...it is just your working brain protecting you.
With our injuries sometimes we can't see what is happening to us... sometimes it takes another eye to help us navigate our responses to stimuli with our injured brains.
I called them episodes. I got very angry and teary because my brain was overloaded, I read it somewhere as over filling a glass with water and it all just pours out...our brains can only handle so much and although you may think you awoke unscathed in all reality, you probably didn't. It was also an escape urge for me where my anger drove me away to find somewhere to hide on my own where I could try and process what was happening at that time.
I gave myself concussion. For six months now I have fought with it. Initially I was on Citalopram 10mg to reduce the anxiety the concussion caused, I weaned myself off it not knowing at the time about serotonin depletion (I have had very little medical help). The new doc says I am depressed (I thought I was just sad...) and has increased my citalopram to 20mg. I don't believe that I am but I know that there is something terribly wrong however, I am willing to give the citalopram a go as it is very much helping me cope with my symptoms right now. I havent felt anger or a desire to escape for two weeks now so it is working somehow, I do still cry when I have to talk about my battles though, havent quite accepted my new friend yet. I've since learned that 5HTP is a natural alternative for serotonin building but that will come in the future. Also bear in mind that you have every right to be angry and sad, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way but I do believe you have got to a point now where you have recognised it as a symptom so maybe you're ready for it to be addressed as one...whereas before maybe you just weren't able to see it as something that needed treatment.
I don't know...I hope this isn't mindless waffle 🤪
You have given me so much to think about and I really appreciate it. It just helps to know I’m not mad and I’m not the first and only person to experience something like this.
Hello my friend I get terrible anger at times and like you could rip someone's head off I feel like a child having a tantrum but can't stop myself so I know exactly what you mean talk to your doctor and see if theirs any help available stay strong xxx
Hi Vikki. I, too, was in a coma after my accident. 3 weeks, which classified it as a very serious injury. I was not expected to re-awaken or if I did, to have serious life-changing disabilities, etc, etc.
That was 19 years ago this month. In that time, I've worked in a call centre, travelled around Australia, spent 9 months in Italy trying to learn the language, done various types of paid & voluntary work, bought a house, done DIY, extended my garage & turned it into a fully equipped workshop for making stuff.... the list goes on.
But do you know what I've only just realised after nearly *20 years* post TBI?
That all this time when I've believed I've been lucky to come away sooooo well after such a zero-hope post TBI forecast, something has been quietly brewing inside that's now made me unable to stick to doing anything long enough to become skilled, proficient and/or experienced at it. I lose interest in everything I do, quit and quickly move onto the next thing, till I get bored & then it's rinse-and-repeat...
There's not a single thing that I've dedicated myself to doing continuously in all these years. I now feel I've wasted them instead of using them to build a new life for myself. And the feeling is one of emptiness.
Apologies for the narcissism; my point, Vikki, is that you did NOT come away Scot-free from your TBI; the aggression you're feeling; the belief that you made an "instant recovery" & "feel like a fraud"; these are signs that you have plenty more road yet to travel, my dear.
Almost 20 years on, and I think I can safely say that none of us can say we were blessed to have had a brain injury...
I was in an induced coma for 10 - 9 days in 2018. It doesn't feel like just over 3 years since l left hospital. I wasn't expected to survive. Nurses cheered out and jumped for joy at the foot of my bed when l woke up and breathing tube removed and doctor did some tests on me to follow her/his finger with my eyes which l could then stated no cognitive impairment. Brain scans say no brain damage. I beg to differ, nobody fully understood how much l was struggling because of my positive outlook and sheer gritted determination. I had to learn how to do almost everything again including how to walk, read, write, tell time, swallow and speak. I had vocal cord damage. People treated and treat me like oh you survived, you left icu a week and a bit later for a ward and couldn't walk. Nobody understands the rest of it apart from icu at the hospital l was in and cardiology. I wasn't in my induced coma due to head injury but had stopped breathing for just a minute or less my lung over inflated or something like that had stunned my heart into stopping. No idea when that happened as was admitted after calling ambulance myself from having a massive asthma attack that wouldn't stop and my heart was doing over 200 bpm. I became in an area of major and minors to critical to be moved without me dying. They then thought I was having a heart attack. I woke from coma to be told now brittle asthmatic, l had heart failure "now gone" had lost almost all my muscle, weighed just under 4 stone, was told my heart and lungs damaged and my life expectancy shortened. Yet multiple scans show now brain damage but two mini fosi or something like that. Yet my whole body shakes, constant fatigue, memory problems "not massive but there enough to make me aware of them" funny smells and tastes, voices in my head but not talking to me, vibration that runs through my body, problems still with walking, a floppy foot, weak floppy wrists, blurred vision, seeing shapes in vision, seeing things move that aren't moving/aren't there. Feeling constantly spooked, can't sleep, strange twilight sleep if do nod off with strange scary dreams, body twitches and jerks, hearing problematic, slower reactions, cognition, legs constantly moving in bed uncomfortable, aching heavy and hot have to spread, twist and turn, stick feet on wall for coolness, balance is off, can't dance anymore, can't always immidiately understand what people are saying it just makes no sense. Words when trying to read/spell merge and move and l can't remember how to spell a lot of words l know l could before. I get incredibly angry like l could drag a shop assistant or other over a counter ir other and beat the crap out of and not care at all. Mood swings, and all of what people hhave posted here l have too and know something is wrong, that they are missing something important in those mri scans. I've had nerve conduction studies done which took less than 5 minutes to complete. Results they say came back normal. Or this done on NHS. I know something is not right, l feel it every day and it is exhausting. Often have to rest part way through dressing or immediately after dressing. I struggle doing things, my speech is different in how my tongue moves in my mouth, their is a delay in my speech and l notice this all. Yet apparently no cognitive impairment. I can ride a cycle bike, but can't walk properly or far and can barely catch a ball. My catch before was fast and excellent. I often feel buzzing in my head and light headed, tearful, my eyes hurt, nausea, headaches and non of this l want or imagine, neurologist sees it all there, confirms it, but nothing showing up in scans. I don't think they are looking closely or long enough. My pulse goes erratic dropping from 100 - 120 plus to drop to just 56 bpm then back up again. And l just don't feel right or well. I'm exhausted.
Thank you so much for such an insightful response. You have given me a lot to think about that I hadn’t thought of before. Such as the fact that my accident must have had some effect on me even though thankfully there is no visual or cognitive evidence of even having had the accident. I do really struggle with the fact that I have no memory of my fall. As a nurse, I am totally amazed by my recovery but I think you’re right. I’m not really seeing the seriousness of the accident because I am so well. Plus I’m not allowing myself time to settle my own thoughts and feelings towards the accident. I am so grateful to you. If I can ever repay the favour please just message me any medical questions you may have. Anything I do not know I can find out from other medical professionals that are friends. Anything I can do to help, please just ask.
Thank you. I wish you peace, happiness and lots of luck.
Hi Vikki, I have been on a similar journey feeling the full force and power of negative emotions. Anger, Fear, anxiety, guilt, sadness, and hurt and its not east to regain control. This came about from a T.B.I. I suffered stating with having a stroke that took me into hospital, followed quickly bt 3 further stokes, then the blood clots went onto my lungs. (pulmnary embolisms). I was Given less than a 5% of survival and given life saving blood thining injections to clear the clots which it did but this caused severe bleeds to the left side frontal and temporal lobes of my brain creating quite an extensive brain injury. This is not good news for emotional challenges as this area of the brain is the control room for your emotions. So my anger and other emotions were greatly amplified especially anxiety. I have now had this to deal with for over 8 years and believe me its been a tough challenge. On top of all that I had the trauma to deal with or P.T.S.D.which kicked in down the line. OK that was my challenge so how did I deal with it???
Well the first thing I did was to re-frame the situation, never the victim always the survivor!! . Always at Cause never at effect. I also learned that if you want to help yourself focus on helping others who may need your new found positive energy. especially those who are caring for you who may well be hurting too. Other things that helped me was excersise Yoga and mindfulness to calm the Hurricane that was always swirling in my head....I dont really give advice to anyone as everyone is very different and really have to find their own way through the storm. But I hope my story can be of inspiration to you and wish you well on your journey to recovery and you are never alone . Here's a little poem I wrote that might provide some shelter from the stormy days written around Love and Hope.
A series of strokes changed my life in an instant.
I felt trapped and alone in a cold, darkened room.
Fear and anxiety reigned as my confidence waned,
Happy days became sadness and gloom.
Then I took a path of positive intentions,
At a time when I just couldn’t cope.
My heart now glowed bright, helped me sleep at night,
I can't really offer you any advice but what I will do is say how amazing you are! Think what you and your body have had to deal with. You are obviously a very strong and passionate person.
Have you tried any type of therapys? Medical, holistic..... Something out there may help with the anger.
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Strange One...?
16 year old brother bad hypoxic brain injury!
Is it all me? Am I wrong for think I should be treated better?! 
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