This is just so painful

[bexx87]

I've only slept 4 hours from 10 until 2 and I've just had a swirl of thoughts rattling around in my brain so I downloaded a ton of self help guides from headway, nasco and a organisation that I'm not prepared to mention yet but to know that I am more than just a survivor of brain injury is such a weird overwhelming concept but reading the guides over and over again down help massively as even though I've got alot of people I can call on for support I don't want to out stay my welcome and I'm not use to having to rely on people because I've been though so much over the years that I've just ignored it and got on with it and maybe that's part of the problem and the lady on one of the help lines I called completely understood and said you sound really confident and like you have everything under control and my response was because I've grown up with out the choice so it's a default for me I've managed to some how see positive small things like oh she has nice earrings or he is wearing nice trainers and it infuriates me that I do this because I am sick about be positive all the time to much good can have a damaging effect and that effect is you get zero help because people think you don't need it when actually on the inside I am screaming and crying for help I have missed out o soooooo many things that I am genuinely entitled to and I can talk to people and reading all these articles until I'm blue in the face but it never helps because that's not me im am and always have been a practical person ever since my days of school but the self help guides do help in a sense as they say:

It's okay to having these thoughts and feelings

Your reaction is a completely normal response to triggers

You now have the power back

You can stop the scare thoughts

And I was reading the NACOA website as well and it says things like:

Remember the Six "C"s

I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it

I can take care of myself

I can communicate my feelings

I can make healthy choices

And I've got people missing my blog updates that I coded myself or help out with volunteering as intense as I did because I'm too much of a state to focus on it I hate how this has effected me and how many people who were in a position of power let me down though out the years of school, college and work over 18 years the system has well and truly failed me in a massive way and what makes it worse it because of those people in power I have never stopped looking over my shoulder because the amount of times I've been stabbed in the back I dread to get technology to a stage where you can see mental health scarring because I will be black, blue and bleeding and to just having to think about the amount of concern my colleagues must be having about me as they know I love work to death but work is part of the problem and it's just absurd to think that so many people think they can get away with this and think oh she has a brain injury she ain't going to cotton on to it well I'm telling everyone one of you right now karma is going to roll around and is coming after you where I know every piece of legislation there is like the back if my hand I should become a lawyer, my toolbox it over filled with about a million coping strategies that I've developed automatically over the years without realising when there will be a moment like this where I need to call on the all of them that's what I meant when I said before I've learnt so much about myself even my multitude of copying strategies is over whelming me and I keep automatically adding little bits and pieces to it just to be safe that it's like a over flowing river of resources that I cant stop and I getting swept away by the fast pacing current (which true story did happen to me once in dawlish when I was like 8 my mum fell asleep on the beach in a drunken state and it was by pure luck that a couple in a boat saw me and pulled me on board to take me make to a screaming drunken mother) and because my brain in a endless sponge of knowledge i know so much about it the NHS cant deal with me talking thier Latin language this is why later I when read that 170 page article I am already armed with the knowledge from reading all the dr letters when my mum was out so i know about EH levels and why they did certain tests and ask my certain questions and i found a small abstract about the paper few years ago where they had to submit it to the some hormone body for verification and fact checking about it so I'm gonna have great fun reading that and this is why other people have said get into neurology as a carrer your brain is being wasted in IT

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear that. Hugs.

I think it is ok being positive all the time,& working-but people's emotions & pain change. Plus everyone's pain is different.

If people say they'll help,take it-as it won't always be there,people won't always be there.

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you ironically I managed to fall back a sleep with in seconds of posting this and and just woke up signalling I just needed to get it all out my system to be able to relax but my neck is still really sore which is a normal body reactions *big yawn*

[Hidden in reply to bexx87]

Good. :))

It's good to get out of system-i tend to chase up DWP & rant at them on phone!!! LOL

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

The amount of conversation I've had this past week talking to various services I'm sick to death of it but it does help but posting like crazy on both here and Facebook is better for me as it's a tool since I first left frenchay in 2001 as as much as I hated my mum she did buy me a ibm tower and telewest dial up which started me on my journey to where I am now humans are complex creatures

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

My boilers on the blink again and the only way I can turn the heating on and off in my living room or to get hit water to do the washing up or have to turn the underfloor heating on the bathroom to get hot water in the shower is by telling the boiler to turn on via the thermostat on the wall, the bedroom has gotten so cold again that more wall paper is flaking off, cracks are getting bigger and molds spots are appearing again like last year despite the fact they eventually changed the back door in hope but because it's the original part of the house there is not much insulation unlike the annex which the extension that is my living room/ kitchen

I will tell them landlord at a later date (as they are understanding when it comes to listening to tenants problems) as we can now contact them directly as they have cut ties with that stupid estate agent the amount of times I've screamed at them to pass my issues though to the landlord and they didn't in 2017/2018 about various topics just added to my mental health deterioration

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

Thankfully my Saturday channel 5 programs have re started again so I get to spent the morning playing catch up with shows I've missed in the week like what my mum did growing up she watched so many garden and cooking shows and then there was the soaps catch or star trek catch up in a evening that I was forced to watched as we only had one TV and if I wanted warmth i had to be in the living room as she wouldn't allow heating in my bed where I would mainly hang out and it took about 10 to convince her to allow me to move the PC out from the living room and I was given permission to build my own and put it in my room which is why I cant part ways with it as it was inherited money I use to buy all the parts and is still in my room in the corner and the amount of times my uncle has said can you please get rid of it its using space and I screamed at him

[Hidden in reply to bexx87]

How about Dr Who-same as Star Trek?

As for landlords-i can't handle them,last one illegally evicted me while i was reallty ill thru 10 yrs harrassment campaign of upstairs neighbour,he just done it by changing locks and reletting one day! Council not interested!

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

My mum wasnt into dr who and nor am I but my ex boyfriend got me into star gate Atlanta

[Hidden in reply to bexx87]

I used to like Deep Space Nine,particularly Quark. And massive Star Wars fan! Seems like a Sci Fi thread now,sorry! LOL

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

My mum liked janeway and bacardi and I've also love xmen films and cartoons as I think Jack hughman who played wolverine was fit (same as John Depp as captain Jack sparrow in potc and I cried when they both left the Industry) and I loved storm in the cartoons the amount if arguments me and my ex boy had over which one was better marvel or DC comics and my mum loved watching spiderman and batman cartoons when I was growing up

[Hidden in reply to bexx87]

What i've seen of X Men i like.

I could see what u like on Hugh Jackman & Johnny Depp if i was woman! LOL

[Cj-195]

Bless you. Join the club! 😭 x

[bexx87 in reply to Cj-195]

Hugs