This is not a post claiming self pity or a need for gaining people to feel sorry for me. This is to hopefully help people gain more understanding of similar peoples lives suffering with genuine cognative fatigue & depression due to a head injury;
This picture is how my life has felt since 2007!
I'm walking a lonely path even when surrounded by loved ones. There have been periods of darkness, the gaps between each street-light have been significant. Also at times my steps have been uneasy, without balance.
At this time I am experiencing walking into light at the begining of a new day, i'm stuck in a realm with no purpose, contemplating all the wrong that has occured to me, I am then overcome with a need for justice!
Time passes & I've achieved nothing.
I then move into darkness attempting to gain rest. My head is busy with all these thoughts. I am engulfed in a dark realm where there is no rest. Eventually out of cognitive exhaustion I drift into a tortured deep sleep.
I awake back into a new day under a new streetlight. My first thoughts are a brand new day. A positive new street-light, let's be happy & make this journey better than yesterday. I hit myself full in the face with guilt for not being there for loved ones yesterday & for thinking about myself. I then start blaming myself for anything & everything.
Before you know time ticks by & the positivity has gradually ebbed away back into the darkness. Again nothing acheived. 😕
It's now time to rest my mind again.......!
Again the inside of my skull has a negative game of raquet ball with words & situations until I litterally can take no more & out I go.
I feel at times the pathway appears straight & simple, I can see a clear definition of light & darkness but 'bloody hell' why does this feel like the continuation of walking on a 'shit' round-a-bout.
I read a simple thing this morning & it put it all into the context of people just don't understand how a negative mind can twist the the most simple statement.
A loved one asked their partner "Why did you try to kill yourself?"
The partner replied "You told me all you wanted for me was to be happy!"
The one thing that makes all this worse for me is I know people out there are suffering with fatal illnesses like cancer & I again I mount up the guilt on myself for feeling this way, thinking that it's just self pity
I have to keep telling myself you smashed your head into a bus stop at 30 mph & you've recieved a traumatic bleed to the brain. There is permanent damage but I need to be kinder to myself. 😕
I know the damage is permanent but I hope to end the intensity of pain & the need to battle one day.