How do I be

Hey , I'm writing as I have searched everywhere for support but it's difficult To get first hand reprieve rather than reading articles .

My mumma had a cardiac arrest 2 yrs ago and was in a coma for a while and had quite a long rehabilitation , that it's self changed out lives . On discharge she was doing well but has frontal lob damage from being unresponsive for 7 minutes .

She suffers also from depression as and anxiety .

Her memory and processing began to deteriorate but was at a steady pace . 5 months ago she began to deteriorate rapidly over two week period ( delusional , halucinating , wandering about ) After trying many professional avenues I finally took her to a and e , she was admitted to a mental health unit and after 5 months she was diagnosed with psychosis and vascular dementia as well as the brain injury .

Really I'm look to you guys for some sort of answer which I know noone can give , i am desperately struggling to deal with the way she treats me , and sometimes my sister but mostly me . I Try and give her as much knowledge and support as I can but literally can not say a word right , she is verbally abusive towards me and to be truthful torn me apart I just don't know what to do anymore . I am the person who deals with her the most and sees her . I have tried various was to speak to her - be informative ( I'm being to abrupt and pushy ) agreeing with her ( I don't care and am not supportive ) be factual etc

She is argumentative and admits it's to get a rise

While I understand her life is changing and She is frightened and she feels like she has lost control , she has capacity to control herself around her carers and friends . Yet not with me ... even in front of my small children .

I guess I'm looking to see if anyone has experienced te same thing and how did they keep going . I feel terrible guilt as I know the last week I have distanced myself from her yet I know this is not what she need she needs me there to help and support her , but I'm struggling to keep myself together .

this sounds like such a selfish post but I want to know how to deal with this all so I can do what's best by her ( which Is currently nothing )

She was discharged with home care but no information for my sister and I to help suport her either .

Any ideas would be welcomed greatly, it is beginning to affect my own home life with my two bubba , and I don't want them to suffer xx

8 Replies

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  • Hi Misi and welcome.

    I know that some of us will have great ideas for you but for now please ring the Headway helpline tomorrow and talk to them.

    If you can't avoid your little ones having contact with your mum explain to them that it is the illness talking especially when she is being mean.

    It is so difficult to live with something like that.

    A relative became physically aggressive when she failed to recognise her husband.

    The advice for your little ones holds true for you too.

    Love n hugs

    Xoxo

  • Firstly Misi it isn't selfish to need help when you're struggling with such a difficult issue. It must be heart-breaking seeing the changes in you mum and being on the receiving end of her frustration.

    Mums are people we love unconditionally and it's plain you're excusing her behaviour knowing she's had her illness thrust upon her. But you need to explain, firmly, to your mum that her abusive behaviour is taking it's toll on you, and there has to be a change.

    You say she moderates her tone with others therefore she's exercising her will so, although it'll be upsetting at first, you need to show her that every time she's abusive you will walk away.

    It might feel patronising and unkind, but to provide your mum with the best possible care you need to adopt a strict but fair approach and stick to it. You deserve, most of the time at least, to feel valued and respected otherwise it'll continue to be a resentful and destructive relationship.

    There are so many carers here who have, and still do, suffer awful abuse from their partner/family member and who have had to harden their hearts somewhat to get control of the situation and create space for a little kindness and understanding.

    Please ask the Headway helpline for all the appropriate printed information to help you understand the issues of brain injury, and for any other support and advice they have to offer. The no. is 0808 800 2244 and you can call for free during office hours.

    All best wishes my dear ; I hope everything will soon become more manageable. Cat x

  • I had similar problems after mum had an heart attack. One Sunday morning nurse arrived and put me in touch with a relief of caters scheme which used retired nurses . I don't know if

  • My love

    I really feel for you and experienced similar with my beautiful father. He has passed away now but this site was so supportive. He had a terrible fall and had two bleeds on the brain, he never really recovered, went from independent to wheelchair bound, in a nappy etc. Myself and my mother were his main carers, he never came home and I ran myself ragged visiting every day, never knowing what I would encounter He told me I was a lier, I never visited, was selfish etc. My sister, who rarely visited never got this treatment. I was left feeling that ....as a mum our children feel safe to be loving and rude because, they know they will always have us and be loved. Maybe in her confused state, she feels she can treat you however she is feeling in the moment because she knows no matter what you will be there. A backhanded compliment, but a compliment it may be. Talk on this site love, let people know how you feel and everything crossed for you.x

  • Oh I'm sorry for ur loss ❤️

    I think your right , after abuse on the telephone last night I was still there this afternoon supporting her with a SS visit .

    It just really begins to pick at ur own brain and Iv started doubting myself to the suport I give her and wether I am the terrible person she makes me out to be

    But thank you all for your advice , it's reassuring to know I'm not Theo my one and you lovely people are surviving to !!

  • I have experience exactly the same. My husband had a brain injury many years ago and suffered memory problems. He has now been diagnosed with dementia and it is causing a whole set of new problems. As the others have said, you need to let your mother know that it isn't acceptable to treat you like that, if necessary don't visit for a bit longer than normal and explain when you go back that you cannot accept abuse. If she can control her behaviour with others, then she can control it with you, if you make her want to do it.

    I talk to my local Community Mental Health nurse who explains things really well. She said to imagine that dementia splits a brain into two, dementia brain one side, normal (or brain damaged) brain the other and they don't talk to each other. Dementia brain, unfortunately grows faster and takes over more of 'normal' brain.

    It's hard but try to establish some ground rules whilst your mother is capable of understanding.

    Lots of luck.

  • not selfish. you too need a break and carers support. Im sure headway has more direct information on that.

  • Thanks guys , it's so , Iv always found it difficult to be firm with her , I hate upsetting her but I do know it's the right thing to do , we have had a meeting with her SS so was very blunt with her but fair which has helped .

    It has lifted a massively weight knowing others have the same issues xx

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