Is this normal

[debbie36a]

Just wondered how many wanted toknow about hospital. Like the recovery you can't remember. Mark doesn't want to know. I relive it almost every day. I'd like to know x

[Sem2011]

I have 'islands' of memory but felt very ill, sick and sleepy. I said at the time to my partner in hospital 'why are they keeping me in the dungeons, please please I want to go upstairs to a ward'. This hospital I worked in for 14 years. My behaviour, I am told was 'angry, confused and simply not aware'. My partner told me post discharge , in fact a great deal later, when I asked him. I feel the same as your husband, I asked a little, because my mother mentioned my 'behaviour', but I do not wish to know further details of a time when I remembered very little. I but perhaps it is me just would not wish to be informed of my admission as I cannot see how this would help my recovery. I had nightmares afterwards, and would wake and because my memory is not great, I would be confused as to whether the dream was real, and continue for a while trying to work out the truth. I feel it would add more negativity to me who is already struggling to cope with BI. I cannot remember my accident, which led to my TBI, and I guess It is the body's way of protecting itself.

I do sympathise with you seeing and living the BI of your husband, remembering everything. It is hard to be the carer. it must be awful to see a loved one in this way, and a long time after.

[cat3]

I must admit Debbie I asked countless questions about my 'lost' weeks after the SAH. Fortunately, my family needed to talk about how the whole awful experience had looked from their separate perspectives, and the fear & anxiety they'd experienced at critical times.

So it was a useful two-way thing as everyone involved seemed to benefit from 'debriefing' sessions every so often. And everyone had their own private demons which it seemed healthy practice to offload.

For me it was essential to fill in every detail of my treatment, my demeanour and their state of mind, as I was spooked by hearing I'd been conscious whilst for me it was all a blank. Mark obviously hasn't the desire to revisit the event which I'm sure will be frustrating for you.

Maybe you should write an account of everything from the beginning, including your emotions, and post it here as a therapeutic exercise ; I'm sure it will be well received Debbie.

Love Cat xx

[19KMcG87]

Hi, I don't remember much and I've never thought to ask! I've seen one or two pictures of me with tubes all over and the 'glazed' look. I remember bits and bobs when starting to come in and out of consciousness. I'm not sure it's a thing we'd want to remember/ask about with all the new adjustments and way of life now (mine was acquired almost 17 years ago and I'm still learning new things/gaining new difficulties... hope this helps!

[Hidden in reply to 19KMcG87]

This is very similar to my experience! My memory started to record literally as I was being pushed in a wheelchair through the outer doors of the hospital! All I have are some photos after came out of the coma with a cheerful looking nurse standing at the bottom of my bed... It has never been an issue as all they could do was observe and measure - it was my brain that was busy doing the necessary!

[Elenor3]

I had such a terrible time in hospital, I'm trying to forgot all about it

[cat3]

Debbie, I remember how traumatised I felt after my mum's funeral, and as I drove home from the reception afterwards, I felt quite desperate to talk myself 'down' from the whole business of her death and internment.

As I neared home, my instinct was to turn into her road 'til my messed up mind remembered that not only was she not there anymore but she was the subject of my grief and no longer my main source of comfort.

So I understand your need to pick through the trauma of Mark's accident and for that discussion to be with him. But, as you see from others above, not everyone has the heart for it.

You may be touched by the whole experience to the point of PTSD, and you can overcome that by talking to a counsellor who will respond with comments & questions, but will allow you to completely unload that burden of traumatic memories and unspoken thoughts.

Cat xx

[debbie36a]

Thank you cat i think i need to speak to my gp. I find it all so hard to let go of. I relive it all to often xx

[cat3 in reply to debbie36a]

Please do Debbie. He/She can refer you to a CBT therapist, and if Mark learns that you're having counselling it might just inspire him to ask about it and even get involved in talking about it with you.

Go for it m'dear. I saw a counsellor every week for 12 months after my mum died and my first words to him were, 'I'm only here because my GP insisted but I guarantee it won't make any difference'.

A couple of months later I found I could tell him stuff I'd never talked about with anyone, and at the 12 month point I was free of the aftershocks of my mum's sudden death and the guilt of not being available when she needed me.

Good luck Debbie. Cat xx

[moo196]

Hi,

I have wavy recollections of my time in hospital......some bits seem quite comical in hindsight, and others very sad or frustrating.

For me it was important to only talk about it when I was ready/instigated any chat about it. The rest of the time....days/weeks/months I needed every single ounce/drop of energy to concentrate on becoming better and using brain power on "unnecessary" (to me at the time) things would've been a luxury I could never afford.

I think you might do well to write about it, talk to others in similar circumstances or to professional counsellor? Mark may just be too unable to use energies on looking back at that time and needing to deal with the now may be all that is possible ?

Just my thoughts tho.....

Good luck

[RogerCMerriman]

Like others I have only islands of memories both in hospital and at home, I still now almost 3 years on. people tell me things I didn't know. my memories have no time associated with them so I can only make judgements as when they where, some are very weak and audio only etc.

for example I had assumed that I was functioning to some extent once on the ward, apparently I was on a 5s loop for a day or so. I didn't want to be there but I was calm, my natural state is calmness and I'm very used to hospitals I end up there for in work often.

I am assured that it was a bloody and painful time but I don't remember the pain etc, so I'm not traumatised by it, my wife though arrived not knowing if I was dying, or if I would be radically changed. I'm awake but 5s loop etc, clothes have been cut off, I'm covered in blood, tubes and such.

She suffered far more than I did and still does about that time. I try not to ask her about that time, I am curious but I don't want to drag her back though it all.