I'm doing my best

I really am. I'm working my hardest, and I'm getting some serious tangible results; I'm working at the Medical Research Council, I've been accepted into UCL to do a postgraduate in Clinical Neuroscience, and I'm with someone I really care about. But I don't feel whole. I feel like I'm full of holes and it's making me exasperated and desperate. Sometimes the disbelief of my situation takes my breath away and beats me so hard i just want to run away.

None of this really means anything, but I'm posting it here. Hope you've all been well in my absence!

6 Replies

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  • Hi Ben, good to hear from you. Sorry you are still experiencing these problems, you seem to have been doing so well. Or so it appears.

    You are doing fine though, life seems to be so much more difficult for us survivors.

    Who would have thought you'd be where you are now. All that hard work you've put in and are still doing, keep it up.

    I'm glad you are achieving well, congratulations you deserve it xxxx

    Take care

    Janet x

  • Glad life appears to be coming together relationships and career, sorry you feel disconnected from it all, one of the things I don't get, I feel the same as before and as connected, okay sometimes if tired I may feel spaced.

  • Hey BSA,

    You're doing great. You're a shining light for me. Medical,research and being with someone you care about are great, noble things.

    Keep it real and try and do something to alleviate your mind (to fill them holes up 😉) take care. Luke

  • Since my injury, I have continually felt that something is missing , I don' know what it is but something got knocked out of who I am. I no longer feel the "whole". The closest way of describing it is from of all people the words of the Greek Philosopher Plato - he spoke that

    humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.

    ..and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment.

    Love is simply the name for the desire and pursuit of the whole.

    Love is born into every human being; it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature

    Whilst I wasn't cut in half ! I do feel something escaped out of me during the accident and has run off into the distance.

    When posters on here say they feel distant and apart from people, I always think of that line above in bold. Even though we may be around people we care about, have got back to some sort of normality many of us still don't feel "whole". Maybe like a bird flying south to avoid the cold, something does leave the brain at the point of injury only to return when our injuries subside ?

    Far to much philosophy for a Tuesday morning but I too share your lack of completion

    All the best on your journey

  • Hey you ; I often wonder what's happening with you. I assumed you were reaping the rewards of your struggles, and I see you certainly are.

    Well done for ploughing through all the sh*t you were dealt and even more well done for taking all the knowledge and ability you've gained and choosing such a worthy occupation.

    Those holes in your 'being' are probably your poetic interpretation of the feeling many of us with BI are left with. That's a pretty accurate description, and I suspect it's something you'll always have to work with/around/through............

    I hope that feeling will become less intrusive and that the good things and feelings in your life will, one day, become predominant.

    Thanks so much for dropping in ; It's made my day. Don't leave it so long for another update ! Love Cat x

  • I am glad things are generally going well

    "But I don't feel whole. I feel like I'm full of holes and it's making me exasperated and desperate. Sometimes the disbelief of my situation takes my breath away and beats me so hard i just want to run away."

    I totally recognise this and it makes perfect sense to me... Hope letting it out here has helped a little.

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