In Trouble

[Julesgettingthere]

Hello everyone

late one tonight - cant sleep and have made a blunder.

You know I have problems with my 'projects' at home getting out of hand, but normally they don't effect anyone other than myself (apart from spending that money last year)

My partner has a wooden carved wall clock he made when he was young, it has a lot of memories and he is very very proud of it. He put it up in my office at home and so I complimented him on it and said I liked it. Had to he is so proud of it, but I really don't like it.

Fact is, he was looking for the clock yesterday and I said I hadn't seen it in ages, not for a long time. as I wasogs towlsaying the words a really horrible feeling came over me, I know what people men now by feeling emotionally sick. It flooded back to me that weeks/months ago I was having one of my 'episodes' with acting like an unrestrained wild animal trying to improve everything around me, doing maybe 2 or 3 arty projects at one time. I suddenly recalled in my memory that I had decided to help the clock improve and no kidding, I got a small hack saw from the garage and trimmed the edge off the corner of the wood of the clock. Before I knew it I had sawed the clock to bits, what a mess, whaat a waste - it was a lovely bit of polished walnut. I remember now hiding it in an old dogs towel and putting it in the neighbours bin.

At the moment he is like a sad child still trying to think where it might be and I don't have the heart to admit I have destroyed it, so I am still lying to him. I didn't mean to destroy something precious to him, I really really had it in my stupid mind I was going to improve things - feel sick in the tummy.

I hate lying to him, they are always just little white lies 9like I like the clock) any advice from anyone as to what I should do ? now not only will he think about how I could destroy the clock, but also that I have been lying - which we both hate.

Regards

(stupid) Jules

x

[Hidden]

Hi jules,

New to board today and can unfortunately totally relate. I ripped apart my husbands ikea paper lamp as my brain at the time told me it wasn't white enough and it was dirty. Cheap so thought he really wouldn't bother but he has had it for 20 years and it is one of the only things that is 'his' in our home. I started manically cleaning the house 2 months ago.

We didn't know I have a chronic brain injury and I was told I was manic and to take some diazepam and get some sleep. Not helpful really.

I think the hard bit is when you really truly believe you haven't done something and then a few seconds later or hours or days you are hit with the wave of nausea as you realise you did but have then forgotten/ blocked it because it was not 'you'. My advice- be honest. It will be hard try to stay as calm as possible and apologise. He will either understand or be upset or annoyed and that is ok. You cannot control his feelings on this but you know him well enough to be prepared for the best reaction you can hope for and also the worst. He wouldn't still be there if he didn't love you in my opinion and that means forgiving a hell of a lot for my husband and myself at the moment. If you keep it in you will make your brain hurt and therefore yourself.

Love Fiona

[cat3]

Oh Jules, this is really getting out of hand ................. don't you think ?

Grit your teeth then come clean about what you did with the clock. Your husband is obviously already aware and pretty forgiving about your 'fixing' projects and, though this one will probably rankle for a while, maybe it will bring matters to a head.

Do you accept that this 'improving' stuff has become an obsession which now, clearly needs some form of intervention ?

I feel for you Jules, I really do, and I suspect that you might benefit from some CBT to get to the root of what is causing you to seek these constant distractions.

Please talk some more about this ; message me if you like although it would be useful to see what others think. xxx

[Hidden in reply to cat3]

Hi Cat

I'm finding NLP more useful than CBT.

I know something has happened to my brain and understand and have done a lot of CBT when I was misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia years ago; but when it 'goes', NLP helps me realise it is a faulty pathway in my brain- I haven't deliberately set out to hurt my husband and i forgive myself and others when my brain calms down again and start from now not then.

Jules I hope you are having a better moment/minute/hour or day today- hang on in there- sharing is half the battle xx

[cat3 in reply to Hidden]

It's been a pretty contentious therapy having been discredited by much of the scientific community but, personally, I like its a none-judgmental philosophy. But how accessible is it ; practiced privately I assume ?

[Hidden in reply to cat3]

No bought a book for £8 from waterstones- can't afford any more therapy!!!

[cat3 in reply to Hidden]

Aha .......................... sounds like a massive saving ! Hope it continues to work well for you. Best wishes, Cat. x

[Julesgettingthere in reply to cat3]

Hello there my dear Cat

Oh dear, I havent yet told him. I cant, not at the moment.

Tonight i nearly had another episode but over ruled myself. I am not sure how i was able to stop because it was still making very good sense at the time. (His mums garden chairs, she died a year ago). The chairs are still in tacked and i put them back in the garden before he got home.

I am seeing a new neuro psychologist at Walkergate hospital. I mised my last appointment as i got the time mixed up. But i am due there again this Friday.

I think I am frightened at what i am capable of doing without knowing, but i think the episodes are getting worse because of the therapy, or be frightened of the therapy.

Its late you might be asleep - thanks for caring Cat, i really appreciated your reply yesterday

Jules

x

[cat3 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

Tell the neuropsychologist everything ; if it's embarrassing, painful, difficult just remember that 'coming clean' is your only chance for getting to the root of your problems once & for all.

You might feel threatened & panicky revisiting the details of the accident, but imagine it as a sort of exorcism which, if you keep your nerve, will free you of all the obsessiveness which at present has you on a never ending treadmill.

Go for it Jules ; we both know it can change your life (and your husband's) for one of a much better quality !

Best wishes for Friday ; I'll be thinking of you, xxx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to cat3]

Hi Cat

I will. Thank you for supporting me, I am unsettled and a little frightened.

Wish i could sleep - know it would make me feel better.

Hope you had a good day Cat

Regards

Jules

x

[Lazuli in reply to Julesgettingthere]

Hi Jules,

Is your husband going with you to your appointment on Friday? If he goes with you, perhaps you and the neuropsych could discuss the clock incident first in private and later your husband could be brought in to the room to talk this over with the neuropsych present. They would be able to buffer any initial strong reactions from husband and help explain. If this is an ongoing issue, you have the opportunity to get through it, relieve that sick feeling and move on with the help of both neuropsych and husband. You are definitely NOT stupid. Your inner bully is getting the better of you.

Kindest wishes,

Lazuli

[Julesgettingthere in reply to Lazuli]

Hello Lazuli

You have probably seen my email there to Nick - i was just thinking about telling the neuro man, but i forgot, its the first appointment he wants Ren in the room (he normally waits outside). I cant do that. I think i might ask to see the man alone and ask Ren in at the next appointment. Maybe the neuro man can talk it through further with me.

Thank you Lazuli for supporting my corner for 'shes not stupid'. Means a lot.

Jules

x

[randomphantoms]

Hi Jules

Like Cat I too am concerned. Have you had any neuropsychologist input? Please pressure for it.

You could show your husband this post and replies if actually saying it out loud is too difficult.

Love n hugs

Xoxo

[Julesgettingthere in reply to randomphantoms]

hello again Random

I guess you will have read what i have just said in my email to Cat and fiona,

so appreciate yoyr reply.

I am talking to a Neuronpsychologist and Neuropsychotherapist, its just a bad time at the moment, not the next session but soon we are to discuss the crash - I feel like i live on a different planet at the moment ( feel like i have lot my mind).

As i sid to Cat, its late/very early and you may be asleep - speak when you can.

Kind regards

Jules

x

[Hidden]

I can only imagine jules- I've had to unblock and accept some horrible things in my past and it is incredibly difficult. Sounds like you are at least in a place of having neuropsychologists/ psychiatrists you trust so I wish you well on this Friday and further sessions. Take care, Fiona x

[Julesgettingthere in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Fiona

Did you go through the process ?

Jules

x

[Hidden in reply to Julesgettingthere]

No I've send clinical health psychology for coping with long term condition and found that really good- someone to point out what faulty thinking looks like ( I did a lot of 'catastrophising' which means always thinking things will get worse! And also mind reading- thinking I knew what other people think about- oh if only)!!!!!

Psychiatry means the clincian is a qualified doctor who then spends 7 years training specifically in physical diseases of the brain and I may have to see one depending on my diagnosis. Tend to be a bit more focused on medication, ECT, etc. which also has its place but for me just now I am finding it very important to me not be on medication until I know what is going on and then I will reconsider.

I got a lot of information from my psychologist from clincical psychology website I'll have a look and let you know later which one. Kept everything and when things get bad it helps me to understand I have a tendency towards perfectionism and this can make me become obsessive compulsive (OCD) especially with work, cleaning and tidying.

I can't control my body and moods but 'sorting' and 'analysing' make me feel better.

Luckily my job lends itself to this but my personality criticises myself for not being good enough. Learning to accept I am indeed a worthwhile person no matter what my job, body, looks, etc. Is a work in progress but definitely makes me feel more content than before.

Self-acceptance is very hard when it is so far removed from our childhood dreams but I'm finding not completely impossible no matter how dire things seem some days.

Love Fiona x

[Julesgettingthere in reply to Hidden]

Hi Fiona

There is a lot of me in what you have written, but you do seem to have found reading material that helps, that i haven't.

People say i need to accept, but i cannot accept what simply cannot have happened. I suppose thats where i am. Dont really know, I know I love all you people on this site, which is odd for me as i really to dislike people. Brave from a distance is how it feels to me.

I didnt allow any drugs other than for pain up until about 2 years ago. Difficult to tell if things help isnt it, i mean we are all progressing/going through recovery stages anyway, so we cant tell really what we would have been with/without the help. I bet that doesnt make sense !

Jules

x

[Hidden in reply to Julesgettingthere]

Perfect sense Jules- perfect!

[MXman]

Hi Jules,

Just been reading through this thread and my heart goes out to you. Its so so difficult sometimes living with this and things happen out of our control but we must take the consequences for them. If you can explain to your partner what you have done I'm sure you will feel much better, the deceit and lie can sometimes feel worse than the actual event itself so sit him down and explain what happened. Take care and have a positive Wednesday. Nick xx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to MXman]

Hello Nick,

I really really cant - the clock has so many memories for him, including his lovely mum who dies just a year ago. The clock is in some of her pictures on her sitting room wall in her old house. He would never forgive me, no matter what he told me and i wouldn't blame him.

I cause these things myself Nick, Its a horrible side to me but i really didnt remember doing it, but i do sort of now, i know what i did, things just take over me. It worries me so much as to what i am capable of. Its not me.

sorry Nick, I know i need to tell him. I think i might tell the hospital about it on Friday. The psychiatrist seems genuinely interested in 'making me better'.

Regards

Jules

[MXman in reply to Julesgettingthere]

Hi Jules,

Yes good idea.

[Hidden]

cci.health.wa.gov.au/resour...

Website is Australian- think the sunshine makes them happier to talk about scary brain stuff having worked there for a bit myself😉 Hope this is ok to post? Fiona xxx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to Hidden]

Hi Mynameis

I had a look at it, some interesting looking PDF that you can fill in on line or download and you are allowed to go to the next section if you cant complete the first once (great for me).

better for me is the audio section further on - One calle Mindfulness of breath. I once tried to go to a Mindfulness talk but there were too many people and i didnt like the round a table and rabbit in the spot light feeling so i said thank you but left.

The audio i think is them isnt it ? i had to give it a minute to get into it, but i think i liked it and will probably have another go later.

My mum had a brain anorisum (spell?) last year and has similar problems. I have just sent the link to her in Gambia West Africa.

Thanks Fiona from both of us

Jules

[Hidden in reply to Julesgettingthere]

No problem jules- happy to help. Vidymala burch (breath works founder) has free stuff on sound cloud and Internet audio wise and love there is a 3 minute breathing space one and try and do the 10 minute body scan once a day when I can. Every day just now!

May also help- I know reading is too much for me at times xxx

[Julesgettingthere]

Got that, thanks very much Fiona x

[Elenor3]

Hi I'm a bit late replying - and so sorry for your worries My 'compulsions' tend not to affect other people and are getting better as time goes on. But I understand how it feels wehne you wonder what you actually did or why you did it. I have a suggestion which may not be helpful but it's just a thohhts. You say you have a photo of his mum with the clock - would be it possible to get one of the photos printed and framed - so when you real the news you can say sorry and show him that you knew how much it meant and so he has a memory of it? Maybe it's not practical but it wous show him that you tried to put it right in the only way possible. Sending you a hug xx

[Julesgettingthere in reply to Elenor3]

Yes what a good idea - will see if i can get the picture off him.

Thank you Elenor

x

[Elenor3 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

[cat3]

Good luck today Jules ! xx

[Julesgettingthere]

Hi Cat

Got it wrong second time ! Its not today its Monday 1 pm - good job i double checked.

Monday 27th June 2016 @ 1 pm (yep, think i have it this time !)

I will let you know how it goes

Thanks for remembering Cat

Jules

x

[cat3 in reply to Julesgettingthere]

OK m'dear ; see you later ! xx