I’m not quite sure what is going on. My experience of those in this group is that you are all tremendously supportive and caring. Yesterday the husband, in his 80s, of one of our friends passed away. He had been suffering the last ten or so years with a number of disabling illnesses, including I think dementia (I can’t find the word I was looking for, so dementia will have to do). Anyway I blurted out how wonderful he got to end his suffering and his family doesn’t have to have the burden of taking care of him anymore. My wife was quite upset by the comment I guess in relationship to her thinking I don’t want to be here anymore with all that a brain injury type life has to offer. Honestly sometimes I do feel that way. Even though that is true I still do everything I am capable of to make a good go of it. Too many times I find I overdo things much to my and my wife’s detriment. It definitely gets very frustrating for both of us. I didn’t say what I did to upset anyone. I guess it is part of the non-filtered communication that happens with the brain injury. Anyway I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to communicate with my wife in a better way about this kind of thing going forward.
I seem to be a bit of a mess today. The other thing bothering me is my attitude about holidays. I can’t say I was big into them before my brain injury. My Dad was and still is at 92, very anti-holiday celebration and made them suck for us, so I probably adopted a similar attitude that way, even though I want it to be different. But I have noticed since the brain injury it is even worse. When a holiday, anniversary, etc. is coming up my immediate reaction is “oh s*** ” or some other four letter word. Part of it is feeling overwhelmed at having to add one more thing to life that I feel incapable of taking care of.
Who am I kidding I’ve got so many confusing things and thoughts going on I don’t even know where to start. I feel stuck between wanting to get some counseling, but upsetting my wife by doing so because my perception is she thinks we should be able to work it out ourselves. I can’t even believe I am posting this in this public group, not something I would normally ever do, as I tend to be very self-contained.
I better stop now. Thanks for listening or I guess really reading this. Best wishes to all of you.