Just looking for some enlightenment

[rachel1972]

5 years ago my partner suffered a significant head injury following an assault. Massive detrimental effect on our lives as a family even tho he feels " normal" . Actually feel like I'm the one sinking in the mire. Just looking for some advice/ life experiences to gain some perspective. X

[cat3]

Hi Rachel. Can you pinpoint what it is that you struggle with day to day ?

[rachel1972 in reply to cat3]

Hi Cat3. Thanks for replying. I'm struggling with understanding his moods, he's a lovely man who I adore but I don't want to take over his life, I try to support him but his intransigence sometimes make me despair. I need to reach thro all the crap and understand why he behaves as he does.

[rachel1972]

My partner is a lovely man but the mood swings and lack of flexibility in his thinking make life difficult sometimes. I just feel like I'm sinking. I try really hard to support him but it's a fine line between support and overwhelming his wishes, which I don't want to do.

[cat3]

Its a common theme on here Rachel ; survivors of brain injury undergoing a personality change and partners struggling to adapt to that 'new' person.

People here often refer to the 'new me' & the 'old me' because their life since the brain injury has changed so much. Most of us lose many abilities we had previously in areas such as mobility, cognition, dexterity and, in some cases, anger becomes a dominant issue.

As for myself, I know I don't engage with people as I used to and often make excuses to escape from contact with others because of overwhelming mental fatigue. It can be a casual, undemanding chat which winds me up, but it's difficult for people who remember me as previously outgoing and capable of arguing a point for hours.

So it can be rather like bereavement living with a partner affected by brain injury when behavioural changes make them unrecognisable in many ways. We were discussing this topic a couple of days ago when someone asked whether the word 'recovery' was appropriate, and my answer was no because what most of us do, if we're lucky, is adapt and try to progress. Recovery suggests back to where we were pre-injury, and that rarely, if ever, happens.

It's a massive emotional challenge for partners because they've been through such trauma with the accident/illness only to be faced with these other, long-term issues. Can I suggest you phone the Headway helpline for helpful publications on dealing with this issue. It's 0808 800 2244, Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm.

Has your partner had any kind of therapy since his BI ? I'm wondering whether he would benefit from CBT, if he hasn't already had it. It can have surprisingly good results. Also, do you think he might be depressed and benefit from medication to stabilise his moods ?

Please stay with us Rachel, and maybe we can chip away at this problem and, hopefully, make it feel more bearable with time.

All best wishes, Cat x

[rachel1972 in reply to cat3]

Thank u. U at least don't think I'm nuts! Trouble is he doesn't recognise the changes. He had CBT but he's an actor and didn't acknowledge the changes in his attitude but I see them and I don't want him to think I'm being disloyal wen I'm not, I had to resuscitate him wen he was hurt and it's an experience I've not been able to expunge from my memory. I'm haunted by the events and his subsequent change in behaviour. He was a nurse , as I am currently, he was outgoing and effusive where now he's not. Anger and hair trip triggered outbursts culminated in an awful argument which ended in him hurting me and police being called. It's terrible and I want so much to move on together with this relationship but I'm worried it will happen again. I love him dearly and I want to help but how can I do that wen he denies responsibility?

[cat3 in reply to rachel1972]

How awful for you ; memories of such traumatic events can be so haunting and graphic.

Have you considered joint counselling ? It can be comforting and supportive to discuss issues, grievances/ differences in the presence of an experienced counsellor. If your partner can be persuaded that you also need help, it might be a good way to get him talking.

You cannot live this way indefinitely and at some point you need to start fighting for some quality of life for yourself.

It's hard standing up for yourself when you're trying to remain caring and protective, and you're fearful of the consequences, but to avoid being stuck in a miserable rut you have to risk taking a stand to finally get your partner's attention.

It's a big ask expecting someone to begin again at the beginning when the person we love has morphed into someone else but, sadly, it's what's required after a BI. But get all the help you can Rachel, from wherever it's available i.e. family, friends, Headway, Carer's association, GP...........................

Love Cat xx

[gabimou in reply to cat3]

Hi Cat,

Hope you are well

just read your reply and have to comment on what you have written its so true regarding engaging in conversations and getting wind up.

Mine is especially around negativity and gossip the times I've spoken to collegues at work and basically told them (STFU) leave if you don't like it,it shuts them up and then gives them something else to talk about....lol..

A lot of the time now I don't join in as cannot be arsed to the blah blah blah.

I blame the (bastard..hahaha)!!!! and them talking and falling out with each other when one upsets the other its like being at kinder garden which I've told them and I used to before the (bastard) reared its ugly head anyway.......I've always been known for being straight to the point and don't suffer fools gladly as we say........

I can still talk for England though when it suits me..

Also like yourself I was known as very out going sociable and having a laugh(laugh I still do and still sarcastic as hell) and I was a party animal ...not forgetting I was an ex holiday rep :)....

So the new person you become can be difficult to come to terms with but you have to start accepting that's the way its going to be, onwards and not backwards....

Best Wishes

Mandy(*^,)xx

[cat3 in reply to gabimou]

Hi lovely girl. I hope you've been getting some quality of life and keeping the bast*rd under control.

I must agree that gossip or mischievous talk bores me rigid these days ; I've become increasingly irritable but try really hard to disguise it when it involves loved ones. They've had such a rough time this past few years & I don't want to add to that.

I do admire your spirit though Mandy ; it's the first thing I noticed about you. Hang onto that for as long as you can ; it's so special & dynamic.

The best of wishes, love Cat xx

[gabimou in reply to cat3]

Hahahaha you should see me when I'm driving and some idiot starts coming right up my backside and the amount of finger signs I have been given have been reciprocated with a few swear words at the same time.

They do drive over here like they are the only drivers on the road though and driving through the villages is even worse with the odd tractor thrown in.....oh,not forgetting the chicken chaser mopeds as well for the fun of it.

Best Wishes

Mandy:)x

[cat3 in reply to gabimou]

xx

[razyheath43]

well said cat! plus its careres week this week,headway want to hear how careers are doing etc x

[randomphantoms]

Hi Rachel and welcome.

I agree with everything that Cat has said.

You mention your husbands intransigence. I am wondering if it is possible that its his way of making more progress. Many of us have had blinkers on when working on something and that can be to the extent of not being able to communicate effectively.

Perhaps some of the brain training apps can help improve his mental flexibility. It can be very difficult for us to change mental gear and I still get the wrong end of the stick as often as not.

Questions like what do you think .....means? Or what do you think will happen if you keep......? Have helped me a lot and now when I start getting unrealistically stubborn my husband calls my name in a flat firm tone of voice and that is usually enough to bring me back to reality.

Love n hugs to you both

Xoxo

[randomphantoms]

Sorry just read your reply to Cat.

Please contact headway and if you think it may help you could go to Relate

For some sessions as there is a lot going on. It sort of sounds like you both want the husband you had back. You are trying to care for him and he is trying to protect you.

Hoping you find your way through this soon.

Lovenhugs

Xoxo

[paxo05]

Hi Rachel

I have to agree with Cat about needeing counselling to help adapt to thi NEW life. Additional have you thought of counselling for yourself seperately to help make sense of everything.

Personally this proved invaluable to my wife and was only offered after we seperated. As a bi survivour it may take a long long time for your husband to accept all the changes. It can be a slow process but stick with it if you can. In my case it took a long time to accept everything but on a positive note me and my wife ( with help) got back together. Good luck and keep in touch with the forum.

[Hidden]

Hiya, track down your nearest Carers organisation, look at Carers Trust on the Internet. They support you, they listen, they help, they make a huge difference to you, not your partner, just you. Xxx

[cat3]

Whether or not you decide to seek professional help Rachel, we'll always be here to listen.

Take care, Cat x