How to help family member who is currently still in intensive care...

[natk2212]

Hi,

A family member of mine suffered a brain haemorrhage. He is currently still in intensive care (today is the 14th day) and I am really pleased to say that he is no longer sedated, he is able to breathe with minimal support now, and yesterday he opened one of his eyes. He does seem aware as he opens his eye when visitors are there.

I guess what I would like some advice on is how to be helpful! We are unsure about the damage yet however, I am very much aware of the fact that he will most probably be scared, confused, bored, depressed. I am attempting to reassure him, and reminding him of where he is and what has happened, what time of the day it is.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was wondering if there is anything that I could say to be more helpful/supportive to someone who is intensive care? Any suggestions that other people may have that they found helpful or wanted to be said?

[bikerlifestyle]

the one thing i wish people would have done to me in the early days is be honest and dont tip toe around the issues

obviously we are all different and any issues we have are different, but family and friends can easily fall into the sympathy trap.

whilst tact is important, honesty is just as important, especially when we do things wrong.

now we all need periods of adjustment.

sometime you have to be cruel to be kind and i wish more of this had have happened with me.

this may not apply depending on how well they recover, but tough love is as important as sympathy and empathy

[at-spes-non-fracta]

Hi, really just affirming bikerlifestyle's comment, and try to be as 'normal' as is possible, I certainly felt mollycoddled and now feel that this was something of a hindrance to my ongoing recovery. That doesn't mean that he wont be in need plenty of encouragement though and DO praise every little achievement, no matter how small.

Wishing you and your family all the best, Ryan

[ncmurphy1951]

a difficult one but from experience my coma lasted 4 months i have since been told there was lots of hand holding talking to favourite nusic smells and touches from loved ones assurances that all will be ok something must have been happening as the brain and senses are still working neil

[Kirk5w7]

Hi, I was only in a coma for three weeks but my family used my I-pod to stimulate me when they weren't there, they asked the nurses to keep it on me as much as possible and they recorded someone reading to me as well as my favourite music, that and the constant reassurance I'm sure helped. It's now 15months since that time and I have done really well but my determination has helped too, just keep on with the love and stimulation I'm sure it all helps, good luck my thoughts are with you all love Janet x

[cat3]

The first thing I remember was a male voice telling me his name.... where I was....the day and time AND that I'd had a brain haemorrhage. So from the outset I was made aware of my predicament and hearing this several times each day was strangely reassuring. The voice eventually developed a face.....it was an oriental gentleman who called himself Matthew. Once I became responsive, dialogue changed to " What is my name?.....Where are you?.....What day is it? ....AND ....Why are you here ?".

So from the outset It was made very plain to me that I'd had a critical illness which was now under control but the honesty and straightforwardness made me feel very, very safe.

After transfer to the recovery ward this lovely odd looking man continued to call in to reinforce my understanding and make jokes. I have not since been, in any way, traumatised by the illness,I believe, thanks to the kind and clever efforts of this man. I presume he was one of the medical team but after moving again to the physio ward I never saw him again.

Because he told me the facts from the outset, in a calm, gentle manner I believe it dampened any panic....resentment.....depression which could easily have developed along the way.

Just keep doing what you've described in your second paragraph, It worked for me and was obviously official policy in Salford Royal.

Best wishes to you and for your relative's recovery. cat xx

[pollyanne]

I sometimes think you can overstimulate- as when my husband was in ITU I was showing him photos , playing tapes, shoving rubik cubes into his hand etc when he was completely traumatized and now cant remember anything of the time. Be gentle, calm and reassurring (as Cat said above) as they have been through such an horrendous ordeal and it will take time (the hardest thing for us all to accept) but as they say 'time is a great healer!' we know what you're going through and the the best of wishes. x

[watso]

If at all possible stimulate physically and mentally ie, touch, massage, physiotherapy,

( passive movements and stretches of limbs), reading out messages from family, listening to favourite music, looking at favourite books and magazines. Stimulation of all the senses is worth trying but you must also be aware that you're family member will get tired very easily and don't bombard them with lots of activities during the day, one or two may be all he can cope with! Two of the biggest strides forward for our son once he had opened his eyes and was becoming a little more aware of being in hospital was when his favourite Uncle came to see him and told him some jokes, it was the first time he smiled and we also used to ask our son simple questions and though in the beginning we would answer them ourselves we then started missing the answers out and he started to fill in the gaps! We said "What's that Oasis song again...." what's the story morning ????" and he said "glory" it was a wonderful moment but it all takes time and patience. I'm sure what you have already said you are doing is making a big difference it maybe that your family member just needs some more time to process the surroundings and information you are sharing with them . All the very best to you all!

[natk2212]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and all your best wishes.

A little saddened today to hear that my family member is borderline on vegetative to minimally responsive state. We thought that he was showing little signs of awareness E.g looking at people, moving his eye when he hears noises in an attempt to look for the noise, squeezing peoples hands, finger (although fully aware at times he does just gaze and look unresponsive). However, it was explained that this may just be reflex.

I am still going to remain hopeful and after all, time is a great healer.

[headwayuk Partner Headway]

Hi natk2212,

I am sorry to hear of the current situation. This does indicate a very severe brain injury, but I think at this stage, which is still early in the recovery process, it is reasonable to stay hopeful.

You might find our information on coma, and suggested activities, useful. You can read this at headway.org.uk/Coma-and-PVS... and scroll down to the bottom of the page to download our factsheets on this issue. The factsheets contain useful information and organisations that can help to support you.

I am glad you have found this community, which always offers such excellent support from our members. You can also contact our helpline on 0808 800 2244 or [e-mail] if you would like to discuss anything in confidence, and find out more about how Headway can help you.

Best wishes,

Headway