Confused and lost in my own mind

[Itchynbitchy]

Some days I'm so sure what I feel is real, while other days I'm in this Haze of uncertainty. Questions about the validity of my symptoms bombard my mind to the point of feeling paralyzed by my self doubt. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household. As such I have a very warped view of what real and what's in my head. I never quite felt right growing up. Things like headaches, rashes, heartburn, anxiety, and depression were rarely noticed unless I spoke up but I only remember doing that one time. It was an itchy rash on my upper arms and when I finally had the courage to point it out to my caregiver it was pushed to the back of the back burner. I'm not even sure I ever saw a doctor for it growing up. I don't know how many people or times I've been seen as a hypochondriac. It doesn't have to be said by loved ones for you to know they think your crazy. I've always felt not quite right but I've been conditioned to doubt every thought in my head and every feeling in my body. At 25 with sores all over me I came to the realization every doctor I've ever seen about anything had chalked up my symptoms to allergies. I asked my doc to refer me to a allergist which she did. I went in for my testing and lo and behold all but cockroach feces reacted! I was put on 3 types of medication and told that my severe blisters were only atopic dermatitis. Bring on those medications I felt physically amazing for around a year and a half. Mentally I struggled though. Even though I had this "diagnosis" I was still treated as insane by some and I still felt like somehow I was causing this. It's been about four years now and I'm no better than when I was diagnosed. I struggle with being out of breath, having stomach pain, hot flashes, slow healing sores that itch so bad I tear myself open,fatigue, and recently increased anxiety. I feel as if I'm losing my grip on reality at times because there are days where I'm stuck between knowing there is something wrong with me and feeling as if I'm a total hypochondriac. Today I KNOW I did not make these sores out of nothing. I also know that by tomorrow or even tonight I will start to wonder if it's all in my head. For instance I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety since I was around 13 but when I started allergy meds my anxiety was almost non existent. So after spending a life time learning meditation techniques and quietly suffering in the dark I now am being told the feeling I get of chest tightness and inability to breathe are not so much anxiety as they are bronchiospasms. At times I can't differentiate between anxiety and an allergic reaction. I'm struggling so much with coming to terms with just the fact that maybe I'm not crazy like everyone always told me when I take my daughter for allergy testing. She came back with only a mold allergy but she has a rash that looks like mine started out as. Her doctor was concerned about both of us and insisted I schedule an appt as well. On the paper work she gave me after the appt it says dermatitis suggestive of dermatitis herpetiformis. I don't even know how to behind to process the fact that I match every symptom for Celiac disease and I have my whole life. I feel as if every one is so tired of hearing about and seeing my skin that if I don't find a reason for it soon they'll commit me. But then again I now have supportive and caring people in my life so maybe im just conditioned to believe nobody cares so I better shut up and deal. I'm also worried about my daughters seeing me like this. I don't want them to grow up and have this same warped sense of life and things. They need to see me believe myself and they need to see me not give up on finding answers to what is going on. How do I do these things when I'm constantly doubting myself and can hardly function some days because I'm so stuck in my own head? Some days my problems are so severe that I take it out on them by having no patience and such. On those days I feel it's important to apologize to my oldest who is 6 now. I tell her I'm sorry and I love her and it's not her that Mommy doesn't feel good because I'm kinda anxious. But then I wonder is it really anxiety or am I dealing with something more severe. I just don't know anymore.

[Penel]

Hi IB

Sorry to hear that you’re having such a tough time. There are Anxiety support groups on HU which might be useful to you, if you haven’t come across them already.

If you do have celiac disease it can have several different symptoms, and people can feel anxiety and problems thinking clearly. You need to get a celiac test done if possible.

Have a look at the Coeliac site to see if it is any help to you.

coeliac.org.uk/home/