My Conversion Disorder Manifests Itself In Fits Of Collapsing And Partial Paralysis.

[ravelrygal]

I have struggled with conversion disorder since I was 16 years old, and I'm 27 now. My first big bout with it happened my junior year of high school. I had starred in the school musical and then landed the lead in the school play right after the musical was over. Finals were coming up, I was trying to be a perfect student and a perfect Mormon, and my body just said, "Nope! I will not let you keep up this pace." For two weeks, an overwhelming exhaustion overcame me. I could hardly get out of bed. Taking a shower wiped me out. Sometimes I'd be walking into my bedroom and suddenly collapse onto the floor. I didn't know what it was - no one could find any physical reason for it. I was scared. But then it went away, and I just went on with my life. No resolution - I just tried to forget about it.

I would sometimes go months without having any health problems, but in college I had the worst time with sudden collapses. They only ever happened when I was at home by myself. I could not for the life of me understand it. I experienced guilt about it, as if I were faking, but if I were just trying to get attention, why would it only happen when I was alone? If I were faking, I would do it where people could see me and feel sorry for me, right? So what was the deal? I'd just be walking from the kitchen to the computer, and bam, I'd be sprawled out on the floor. After a few minutes, I would wiggle my fingers and toes, then very slowly get up and continue my day. It sucked, because I had no idea what the hell was going on with me. Doctors ran all sorts of tests on my brain, my heart, you name it. Everything showed up normal. I was so frustrated.

I don't remember when I started waking up unable to move my legs, but it has happened countless times over the years. In fact, it happened today. I wasn't actually diagnosed with conversion disorder until 2010. I had never even heard the term before then. I was serving in the Peace Corps at the time, and the emotional stress I was under at my site led to my legs stopping working properly. I often woke up unable to move my legs, and sometimes even my arms. If it got really hot in my apartment while I was sleeping, the odds of my having trouble in the morning seemed to increase. One day, I had to be carried out of my apartment by a neighbor and taken to a hospital in the nation's capital. There, a doctor who had been trained in Western medicine told me I had conversion disorder. I was relieved to finally be able to name the mysterious symptoms I had had for so long, yet I have never been able to find sufficient information about this disorder to make me feel as if I understand it. I have never talked to anyone whose conversion disorder manifests itself the same way mine does. In fact, I have never spoken face-to-face with anyone who has conversion disorder at all.

This disorder made me quit graduate school after my legs seized up during class one day, freaking me out terribly because it had NEVER happened in public. I had been sent home from the Peace Corps early because of my conversion disorder, and I also have quit two jobs because the symptoms became bad enough to where I didn't feel I could both keep the job and be relieved of my symptoms. The effect of this illness, this condition, this whatever-you-call-it, has caused me deep pain and lonely suffering. I put on a brave face for everyone else, cracking jokes whenever I need someone to come help me stand up. I try to put them at ease and relieve them of worrying about how to comfort me. I act like it's not a big deal, but it is. How can I feel confident about marrying, bearing children, raising children, having a successful career, traveling, or pushing myself to excel; when I know that if I get too stressed out, my legs will punish me for it? I am no longer Mormon, but the god I believed in as a devout Mormon was a harsh one, and I felt as if he were punishing me. I hope there is a kinder god, one who will heal me of this one day. Until then, I need to meet other people with this disorder. I need to see that I am not the only one whose life has been broken apart and glued back together multiple times because of conversion disorder. I hate this disorder, and I see that I will not be cured of it anytime soon. And I am angry.

[amjelad]

You're not the only one. I can say with 100% certainty that you are definitely not alone in what you're feeling. My conversion disorder presents a bit differently, with seizures and dissociative states, but I understand exactly what you mean. Mine got worse this year, in my freshman year of university, and led me to fail out of my dream school, which I am now getting kicked out of. Our condition takes away our right to choose what we want to do and when we want to do it. It has taken so much from us already, we can't let it take away our spirits too. I get so angry and disheartened every time I have an "episode", but it is just a part of who I am now, and I look around and see all the people that still love me despite the struggles I face every day. I don't know why these things happen to us, but it really does make you stronger, and I honestly believe this is all happening for a reason, even if it doesn't make any sense or doesn't seem fair at all. Just hang in there because it's going to be a bumpy ride, but you don't have to be alone for the ride

[ravelrygal in reply to amjelad]

It's so comforting to hear someone else say, "Our condition takes away our right to choose what we want to do and when we want to do it." I have had that same thought many times. I have felt so alone in this, but your comments helped me feel that other people out there understand, too.

[madgirl34]

I have Multi function disorder it Signals in brain no work properly they dont Know why i struggle everyday where i get reißfeste i want Do something and bam it Hit u and i cant Do it i have tremors and cant speak but i try stay positive i believe it kramt Test u make u stronger so we etwa on right path believe me i have cryed and want scream lot but i have tea positive for my family when i dant walk or brain pressure so much i fqnt even Know WHO i qm or what i Do .but i had this Three years and i just keep go that all can Do i no work as cant Do Job but i try exercise so help Body and mind .take care.

[ravelrygal in reply to madgirl34]

Danke für die Antwort. Kannst Du Deutsch?

[madgirl34 in reply to ravelrygal]

Sorry i no speak deutsch

[FND_ Administrator Volunteer FND Hope in reply to ravelrygal]

We actually have a gentleman who is working on translating parts of our website in Deutsch. Please post If you would like him to contact you.

[CJGlamBondi]

I'm literally crying right now because i have pretty much thee exact same symptoms and feelings as you do! my symptoms started just over 2 years ago and for a little while i felt like i was okay and then it came back with a vengeance and in the first year(2011) it even took my voice away, literally! i suffer from chronic fattigue, i collapse with out reason, i tick and twitch a lot and wake up with little or no feeling so i definitely feel for you!xx Like i said im crying just reading this because now i know that there are other people with similar or nearly identical symptoms to me!

[ravelrygal in reply to CJGlamBondi]

I am so glad you found what I wrote and that it moved you so deeply. You are not alone!

[CJGlamBondi in reply to ravelrygal]

Thanks!x its just i feel so alone all the time like i barely see my friends, i only just make it into the support base at school and i thought that no one really understood or knew how i felt but apparently you have almost the same feelings!

[Dinogeek26]

You sound just like me, only I collapse and cannot move, at least 6x per day. It's so taxing on my body. My neurologist diagnosed me with cataplexy without narcolepsy at first, but then I got a spinal tap and sleep study done, and found out that I did not fit the criteria. They said because I was already bipolar 2, that it made sense that I would have conversion disorder. I have done so many types of therapies, yoga, meditation, hypnotherapy.... you name it, I've tried it. I cannot get rid of it. Now, I am having the worst luck in keeping relationships because they can't deal with me. It makes me very sad because I don't know what triggered this to happen. I am so glad there is someone else out there who is like me. Now I don't feel so alone. Thank you for posting.

[hhul]

has anybody tried taking 5-HTP since it seems this disorder is caused by a low level of serotonin?