I have just come in to work only to be told that my colleague overheard 2 of my managers saying that i am probably making my condition up (They haven't once asked me about it). I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia for about 6 years now and had to see Occupational health about not being able to work until 9pm due to it. I am fuming that they would say such a thing, especially as we work in a University that is proud of it's diversity. My former manager understood but since she has left i'm right back to square one. Any tips on how to handle the situation would be very welcome. I don't want to get my colleague in trouble either as she shouldn't really have been listening (even though it is impossible not to when they are in an adjoining room with the door open!!).
How do i deal with ignorant managers? - Fibromyalgia Acti...
How do i deal with ignorant managers?
This makes me angry and sad in equal measure. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.
I would recommend reading this article from Scope which outlines a process for tackling issues such as this:
scope.org.uk/advice-and-sup...
Personally I would take this forward. I would request a meeting with them and say “It’s come to my attention that you said XYZ about me and my illness.” So that way you leave your co-worker out of it. (Edit: please see my clearer response later in this thread - here I was just trying to explain how not to implicate your colleague).
I would also go armed with some info for them about fibro, like this from FMA UK: fmauk.org/information-packs...
Also you can send them the article I wrote this week to help tackle precisely these issues!
spark.adobe.com/page/ZtNm5K...
Good luck xx
I always thought that if you are discussing a colleague's medical condition/or just that person in a negative way, in an office with the door open, means that the topic is fair game to any passersby to inform the person of what they heard.
Very good article 👍 so true.
I have, like a lot of us,experienced disbelief and careless comments, but I’m very lucky to have a caring, supportive manager who has allowed me to be flexible and access to a physiotherapist. Without this I wouldn’t be in work now x
Really liked your article, thank you!
as LoneEra has said our employers booklet is ideal for this. I would get a couple of them sent out to your for your HR department and your manager. Maybe say "hi FMA UK the charity that provides info on MY condition have created this new booklet. I thought you may find something useful within it as it is aimed at employers."
Some people are just ignorant they just don't understand hiw this disease effect us perhaps if they read up on it they would understand but just don't worry about them just hold your head up because you are better then them
Hello Scallum. That must be so upsetting for you. Office gossip can be so hurtful when you are the target.
In my last office job (many years ago) I tried really hard to look and behave as if I was absolutely fine. I wasn’t. Any sign of ill health was pounced on and used against you. With hindsight I think the bosses had a cunning plan to cull older women (we had pensions) and replace us with younger staff (without pensions).
So we all had to behave like superwomen to justify paid employment. It was so unfair. And eventually contributed to my total health breakdown.
My advice - and what I should have done - confront the managers and refuse to be bullied.
Best wishes. Xxx
Even if you educate them about fibro they still have to believe you when you say you have it. I go to the gym everyday I doubt many believe me, it's hard to strike a balance btn believability and capability.
I see you have had some helpful replies, pure ignorance and spiteful, yes any info or booklets so they can read might shut them up, it’s hurtful I would be for sure, they will properly move on to gossiping about someone else soon , give these people a wide berth but when they know they have been over heard perhaps they might be abit more weary and certaintly won’t be liked much by the genuine people that work there, chin up your better than them xx
You may notice my name, eventually I was completely knocked out of work. They were not happy with me in work and sneered, they were not happy with me out of work and sneered. I came to the conclusion these people have a mild personality disorder, seeing only their own wants and needs, they think they are smarter than everyone else and will ignore even a doctor's information. My advice shift jobs if you can, if you tackle these people it will probably be a waste of time and they will put it down to a mental condition on your part. They don't care if they lie as long as they get what they want (sociopaths) and they do tend to flock together.
Also by co-incidence I too worked in a university, these places are full of people with too much time on their hands, not enough to do physically and mentally this leads to bitching and clique forming that would put a girls (sorry ladies) school to shame.Even though of a supposedly higher intellectual standard they became more childish and petty in their squabbles and desires and the employment rules did not apply to their wants and needs. Thus they would happily breach these rules, since they were that important they simply did not apply, in order to get what they wanted and they will rope someone else in to back them up.
Another symptom (sorry) is their problems seem to be so m much bigger and more important than anybody else's and require a much bigger sticking plaster, needing more time off work and more discussion in the work place. the normal plebs is just a malingerer (great word that), weak or has mental problems.
I saw a department head try and get someone the a warning for taking two days off (requested correctly) when their sister died and conversely they took a month off when their dog died and for weeks after everybody heard about it.
When challenged they either ignore the complaint the or begin quoting the rules but distorting them to suit their needs. Also if the shoe is on the other foot they will scream like blue murder and cast about looking for sympathy and allies to help them out of the hole they have dug.
So sorry that you heard what was reportedly said about you! In this situation it is tough to take "action" because you didn't directly hear the actual conversation. It is hurtful and we all know what may be invisible can actually be more disabling than what is visible. Nonetheless, you should weigh the pros and cons of "doing something" in a retaliatory sentiment. Is your intention to educate those who knows nothing about invisible disability like fibromyalgia, or to get even because you felt hurt? Only you can decide what is the most appropriate action. I do believe kindness and understanding will lead to more effective communication, resulting in a more supportive team environment in the work place. I wish you all the best ❤️.
Going to come back into this conversation with a personal story because I truly believe that if we do nothing about this kind of behaviour, we are essentially accepting it as “ok”.
I had a manager who would speak about me behind my back. Saying I was “always taking time off” etc. In reality I had taken 9 days sick leave in 12 months.
I requested a meeting with her (informal chat as per the Scope article above suggests as a first step). I let her know that I knew what she’d been saying about me...she went bright red.
I also handed her leaflets about my illness (at this time it was rheumatoid arthritis causing the problem) and explained how it impacted me EVERY day, not just work days!
After that she totally changed her attitude. Much more supportive and colleagues never heard her moan about my absence again either.
I appreciate that I was lucky and had a good outcome. I also understand that not everyone is in a situation where they feel able to speak up.
But if people’s negative behaviours aren’t challenged, they are unlikely to change.
It’s totally the OP’s call as they know their own situation, but I just wanted to share my experience for anyone else in a similar position x
Whilst openly saying you've heard about it is an option, like LoneEra has suggested, it may increase problems, if the people concerned aren't as easily embarrassed, or quickly convert any feelings of shame into anger. It may also be that something has been misunderstood on the way: Maybe it was only one of the two, maybe they just had a bad day or didn't mean it, maybe it was misheard or misinterpreted, remembered wrongly, reported wrongly, accidentally or deliberately etc.
So I'd suggest not mentioning it at all, as it's not necessary, but just do what Des suggested, offering information and talk, educating them. After all - what is askew here in the first place is that they haven't got any/enough info. It's not all their part to ask, maybe that'd be odd for them too. And it is normal for people, not only managers, to wonder if others are making up being ill - after all, some people do make things like this up, or we (all) believe that anyway.
And our condition is absurdly strange, as we know ourselves... O.o
thank you JayCeon for covering one of the reasons I suggested the approach I did. Messages can often be mishear or misunderstood without context. Much better to approach the issue at hand rather than the conversation and avoid the recrimination and anger and blocks that it will inevitably cause.
I have to disagree what that “inevitably” there 🙂
I do completely agree the education is the priority - and the root of the problem.
rereading I meant confrontation rather than conversation.
Ah! Also agree that confrontation is rarely helpful in these situations. That is likely to cause more issues.
I guess it’s the nuance between “challenging” and “confronting”.
Maybe a guide to tackling this kind of issue in the workplace would be helpful 🙂
it's a personality thing as well (on both sides) as some will be very comfortable to confront rather than take a softer approach. But sometimes the more with honey approach may have required a baseball bat. But I would always try to lead with honey as you can escalate if needed. De-escalation is always more challenging.
Definitely. Also probably some generational differences (not saying anything there, Des 😂😂😂). But as a millennial the idea of not calling out something I find inappropriate is quite alien to me!
It’s about setting boundaries and saying how things impact you. Like in this instance I’d be saying: “I believe there is some confusion over the legitimacy of my illness. I’m disappointed that this wasn’t addressed with me directly, so I wanted to take the chance to explain about fibromyalgia and how it impacts me.”
Anyway, I won’t hijack this post anymore 🙂 Just wanted people to feel able to speak up when they want to or need to.
No I agree there are different approaches and if I overheard it about me or someone else then my approach would be more direct. But just like we advise with conflicts with practice managers / doctors it is better to be calm and escalate rather than as we have found with some ... have a toe to toe argument with the practice manager and then find themselves labelled as aggressive and moved onto another practice.
Lots of factors involved like size of teams and company, length of service/job security, perceived relationship strength etc. 3rd party conversations being relayed always give me pause in situations like this 
I do like your approach though.
True. I guess it depends if this is a “trend” or not in the OP’s office. It certainly wasn’t the first time in my case, it was the culmination of a number of incidents.
I have tried the purely educational route before with another manager and he basically looked at the leaflets and said “what do you want me to do with these?” - then put them in a drawer.
Can’t always win 🙂
Hi Scallum47,Maybe you should first of all check out that your managers actually said these things, you see I have seen in the past where someone has gone in all guns blazing, only to find out the words were reported wrongly, thereby making the matter worse & surmounting in them losing their job.
Hence why don't you check it out properly, then ask if you can have a meeting with one or two of your managers, taking with you some print outs about Fibromyalgia, handing them out thereby they can see that sometimes it's a hidden disability.
By giving them reading material they can then understand how hard it is to live with & perhaps understand it better.
That's just my opinion.
😀
Thank you for your reply. I have a meeting with them on Friday 🤞
Hi Scallum. So sorry to hear that your managers are not being sympathetic towards you. Their behaviour is extremely unprofessional especially that they were discussing another employee's (your) medical condition with the door open!! I work in HR and although we have some colleagues who's conditions seem to require them to have every Monday and Tuesday off......we do always try to believe what we are told until we learn otherwise. My main piece of advice would be to make sure that if you do challenge their behaviour, put everything in writing so that you have evidence of any conversations available if you need them at a later date. I know of managers who try to push out anybody who complains but if you have evidence, it makes it much harder for them. I would also suggest speaking to another manager to try to gain some support. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren't willing to accept things that they don't understand. Good luck and I hope this doesn't happen again.
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