Hi everyone. I've hesitated about posting this mostly as I didn't want to seem ungrateful or negative after being lucky enough to get this far. But I wanted to share this just in case anyone else is going through what I am. I've honestly not found very much on the subject and feel a bit like a nut case so even if I do sound ungrateful or self-pitying hopefully by sharing I'll help someone feel not quite so alone like I do at the moment.
We are lucky enough to be 18 weeks pregnant (will be 19 on Tuesday) and little one is doing well so far. I had a lot of depression that really skyrocketed after the second round of IVF where we had an early miscarriage. This carried on all the way into our third cycle. I've been negative and tired all the time, I haven't cared about things I used to love, I don't want to do anything even things I like and I often just have these crying fits over such little things. Honestly most mornings getting out of bed is this traumatic struggle.
Even all through our third cycle, every 'positive' point we came to I was still just negative and not uplifted at all, always expecting for the next disappointment and the next thing to go wrong. Unfortunately we lost one of our twins really early in this (our third cycle) which has all fed into this dark feeling I've been sucked into.
So now it's come to 18.5 weeks pregnant with our remaining little bean who is doing so well (I've even felt her moving a bit) and I'm still left feeling like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Even something as stupid as a bit of cramp in both my thighs tonight set me off in my usual mood of "well here we go, this is where it all starts to go wrong".
Everyone has been saying I can't dwell on the negatives and I shouldn't waste this I should enjoy it and my god do that agree with that but it's not an on/off thing I can control. I've been to see a counsellor once and to be honest, I don't know if it was just an introductory session or something but we didn't really discuss anything and I felt like the whole journey there was pointless. I am going to go again in may though and give it another shot. I don't want to take any medication, I know the dosage to baby is minimal etc but it's just a feeling I have. I was told that medication for a UTI would be safe and I took it during cycle two and we miscarried a week later. I know lots of women take it and are fine but I am convinced taking it when I was so newly pregnant is what caused the miscarriage so I really have a thing about putting medication in my body while I'm pregnant even if people say it's safe.
I really don't know if this has stemmed from the traumas of IVF, all the drugs us ladies have to take or if this is just grief for our two losses and my head trying to protect me from disappointment by expecting the worst? It's horrible as I want to enjoy every minute of this in case it never happens again but I feel like I can't fully let go and get excited because I'm just expecting the other shoe to drop.
I've obviously heard a lot about post natal depression but I've never heard of antenatal depression until my midwife spoke about it at our last visit. One thing the counsellor did say was that if antenatal depression isn't addressed in time is it can get worse when the baby is born - which would be my worst nightmare after all we've done to get our baby, to have their first few weeks/months of life tainted by that. Unfortunately at the moment can't see a way out if this hole.
Why can't I just be happy our little one is going strong and enjoy it properly? I really feel pretty disfunctional and tired all the time and like I'm wasting such precious time. I honestly do feel ungrateful and overdramatic but I can't turn it off. It's horrible to be hounded by this sense of doom, that it's all going to go wrong and while my husband is really strong for me and tries so hard to understand me, he just is (naturally) ecstatic for the baby and is struggling to understand why I can't feel the same.
Of course I love the baby already and I am looking forward to having our dream come true but everything feels tentative and overshadowed by all the negative feelings and fears
And because my husband can't understand it either and no one else I've spoken to, including the midwife and counselor have really had anything constructive to say other than an elongated version of 'be positive' I just feel really alone in this and isolated.
I thought after getting this far all the nightmare feelings that the IVF journey gave me would vanish and they haven't at all. If anything they've gotten worse because I've seen and even felt this little person moving inside me and she's a she and she's real, got fingers and toes and a heartbeat and everything and now if the worst happens I really don't know what I'll do.
Sorry if I sound every bit as wretched as I feel, or if I've offended anyone that hasn't even gotten this far I really didn't mean for it to come off that way if it did. I just wanted to post just in case someone else was going through this and they felt as crazy and isolated as I do xxx