We're out again 😔🤦‍♀️

[AuroraXen]

I really don't think it's ever going to be 'our time'. There's never even a hint of a line. I knew we were out on day 7 when I first tested. Today is day d10p 5dt and nothing. OTD is tomorrow but I'm back at work and couldn't face going into the office with this latest loss so raw, so we tested today. I haven't cried much this time - to be honest, I just feel so 'over' this. The whole process just fills me with sadness and anger. It really struck me this time, looking at the photo they give you at transfer, that it isn't just a failure, it's a loss. I know it isn't the same as losing a baby but these embryos are, I fear, the closest thing I'll ever have to a baby. I hoped the ERA suggesting an extra 24 hours of progesterone would swing it this time but then my levels were so low on transfer day I'm guessing we were probably out from the start. Or maybe our embryos are just all rubbish. 4 transfers with 5 embryos and nothing 💔😭 Can't just be bad luck. One frostie left (if it even thaws). When we had 3 to freeze in October/Nov I thought wow, that's got to get us our baby! Ha! 🤦‍♀️ I think I'd have more chance putting jelly babies back 😂 Hoping to see lots of BFPs this week from those of you nearing the end of your 2WW 💜 I hope you all get your miracles this week! 🤞😘 xx

[Abloured84]

So sorry to here this hun. I felt every word of this post. It is just the worst feeling in the world . Sending hugs xx

[AuroraXen in reply to Abloured84]

Thank you for this xx

[Bella_Bee]

I'm so sorry hun, sending hugs and the bestest of luck for the last frostie. Come on frostie! ❤

[AuroraXen in reply to Bella_Bee]

Thanks Bella xx

[Joeysjourney]

I'm so sorry to read this and had obviously hoped for better news for you. Its so saddening and frustrating for you. How is it so easy for others!?

Be kind to yourself and take time to deal with this latest knock. You'll figure out your plan moving forward and hopefully the last embie is the one! I totally get what you mean by a loss. I felt like that when my first double transfer failed. Punch in the gut xxxx

[AuroraXen in reply to Joeysjourney]

Thanks Joey. I swear I've seen more bumps at the supermarket today than ever before 😂😮‍💨 xx

[KiboXX]

I’m so sorry lovely, sending you the biggest hug xx

[AuroraXen in reply to KiboXX]

Thanks KiboXX. Putting up these posts feels like an endless game of the bloody hokey-cokey: "we're back in with a shot!" Few days later: "out we go again" In, Out, In, Out 🤯 😆

[Skittles11]

Hey, I'm so sorry to learn this. You become familiar with people on here over time and I really follow certain people's journeys with such genuine hope, you are one of those people for me. It's so so difficult to keep going after multiple cycles without the elusive BFP, the way you are describing how you feel sounds almost like a numbness and I can relate to that feeling whole- heartedly. Would you consider testing your embryos? I am in mixed mind about it but am doing it because of my history, however I wonder if it could also help you know which of your embryos have higher chance of implantation. Xxx

[AuroraXen in reply to Skittles11]

Thanks for your kind words Skittles. It's only on our last (4th) cycle that we ever had any embryos to freeze. I always said I wouldn't test unless we got lots, as I'm not totally sold on the reliability of testing... plus my clinic charges a lot, 3100 just for one to be tested (not sure how they calculate charges for several) so my view was always better to put that towards another fresh cycle. And daft as it sounds I always felt not having anything to transfer after a cycle is awful and even if there's a tiny chance of the embryo sticking it's a chance? I don't think we'll do another fresh cycle with my eggs... I just feel we're flogging a dead horse. Maybe I'll feel differently in a few days 😆 xxx

[MissSaoPaulo]

Sending you big hugs. It IS a loss and I'm so sorry xxx

[AuroraXen in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Thanks Lovely xx

[Gempuddleduck]

I’m also so so sorry to read this and I know the way you’re feeling too well. I mirror Skittles11 and wonder if you should test them in the future. Although it doesn’t guarantee it working, it could save a lot of time and heartbreak as abnormal embryos would never be transferred.

I hope you’re ok and happy to chat anytime you need it. I hope you have your partner there to cuddle today and you find comfort knowing you have them there. Sending hugs 💕

[AuroraXen in reply to Gempuddleduck]

Thanks Gem. It's only really been our last fresh round that would have been remotely 'worth it' in terms of testing I guess. First cycle was a flop. 2nd had a double transfer of a good quality and poor quality day 5 blastocyst. 3rd cycle only had one day 5 blast. When we got 3 day 5 blastocysts on our latest I guess we could have tested. It's just so expensive here, 3k plus, just for the testing, and I've read so many things casting doubt on the way it's done in the UK that we just ruled it out. Maybe we should have tried that route though, who knows. I really wish I had an IVF crystal ball when I started all this!! Xx

[Gempuddleduck in reply to AuroraXen]

I completely understand. Im in the uk too and it did cost £3k to test our 6 but only 3 came back normal. An ivf ball would be the best xxxxx

[Star241]

I am so sorry it’s is horribly tough this process, thinking of you xx

[AuroraXen in reply to Star241]

Thanks Star xx

[Solly-44]

I’m so sorry love. What you’re going through is a genuine and very real loss. Each time we grieve so much - the baby we imagine, the future we imagine, and you don’t have to feel pressure to minimise your feelings.

Sending you so much support and love, I wish you’d got the result you deserve not this one xx

[AuroraXen in reply to Solly-44]

Thanks Solly. Your kind words really help. I had to do a reading in Church today about faith and never doubting... and it was really tough as I've just lost all hope in this process for us! 😔 xx

[Doglover7866]

What about getting them to check progesterone levels before transfer. I had a blood test to check the day before and if the levels were low I world have had an injection to make sure it was high enough. Send you good luck. You’re not out yet 🥰

[AuroraXen in reply to Doglover7866]

Thank you for this. I've told my doctor I insist on lubion alongside cyclogest next time - from first day of progesterone, not just as a rescue when it's already too late. He doesn't seem to think progesterone matters much but I really disagree xx

[Purple276]

I'm so very sorry to read this. I very much hoped this would be the one for you and your words really resonate with me. I suggested transferring both our remain frosties so we could just get it done and over with and while that's not what I really mean the journey is very tiring.

Really hopefully for your next transfer and maybe it was always meant to be this next one. Sending you hugs and hope you can say stuff it with all the food and drink you haven't been eating throughout this cycle. Xxx

[AuroraXen in reply to Purple276]

Thanks love. I do wish we could just transfer the last one tomorrow and kind of get it over with! I don't know what we'll do if it fails but just so over the waiting 😂 xx

[minnesota_girl]

I'm so sorry to read this, I was hoping for you 💕💕

[AuroraXen in reply to minnesota_girl]

Thanks. Is all OK for you now? Did you have another scan? Xx

[Redsequin]

Oh love! I'm so sorry. I was really hoping and praying this would be your time. It seems absolutely ridiculously unfair.

I think people who haven't experienced infertility struggle to understand that losing an embryo is a loss and requires a grieving process but it's true. I used to find that even getting my period month-in, month-out was an endless cycle of hope and grief, and it must be so much harder after all the blood, sweat, and tears that go into a cycle and transfer.

Sending love. I hope you can book something nice like a little weekend break or something just for you and your partner to recover.

xxxx

[AuroraXen in reply to Redsequin]

Thanks Lovely. We'll try normally again this month but as you say, even that is a grieving process each time it fails 😔 I guess we're lucky to have even a shot at natural conception xx

[Staceywacey]

I’m sorry it’s just so shit.I had my 6th DE transfer fail last week & was to hoping for a better result this time after having my ERA done & a new donor but nope nothing,I’ve only ever had 1 BFP the 1st transfer which ended at 6 weeks & nothing since.

It’s heartbreaking I’ve never felt so upset as I have this time but it’s been a few days & I feel slightly better so where onto planning the next one.

There really is nothing to say to make you feel any better I know that but just try and focus on the next one and just bloody hope & get everything crossed!! 🙈 take care 😘

[AuroraXen in reply to Staceywacey]

Ah thanks Stacey. I feel so bad for you too. Was that one your 6th transfer with DE or 6th in total? It's just shit and inexplicable. My latest panic this time was, should I have had a hysteroscopy and/or hycosy? Ive never been recommended either. Is there an anatomical reason things aren't working?? But my consultant doesn't thing there's a need to do either. You reach the point though where you don't know who to believe xx

[Staceywacey in reply to AuroraXen]

Yes it’s my 6th transfer with DE.

Everything seems to be perfect every time, lining,progesterone,the transfer,then nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve had the ERA,Emma & Alice too for the last transfer.

Taking prednisone,aspirin & clexane.

I just don’t understand what’s going wrong 😭

[AuroraXen in reply to Staceywacey]

Or Love I'm sorry. I'm not surprised you're stumped. You think that with DEs, it's almost a sure thing (I think we're going to go down the DE route if this last transfer fails... I think I have to accept that if 6 embryos don't implant, and we've had no BFP in 2 years of TTC naturally in amongst the IVF, there is something wrong with my egg quality). But this is exactly my fear, that DEs ISN'T a guaranteed solution. It's just so unfair. I think you're amazing to have gone through so much.

Have you ever had anatomical examinations, like hysteroscopies and HyCoSy (the latter isn't relevant for this I guess) - I only ask because I've never had these, and always assumed if there is something wrong (undetected endo, or micropolyps or scarring or something) that all the IVF scans and embryo transfer scans and biopsy of the uterus would reveal signs of a problem there. But after this last failure I've been wondering if I should have had these things done anyway, as I guess sometimes there can be issues that all the normal scans etc don't pick up. I asked our consultant about them, to see if he felt it would be useful in my case, but he said he hasn't seen any signs of problems and I have no symptoms to indicate a need for either of these. And that although some clinics mandate these things before even starting IVF, others (incl mine) don't, and feel they shouldn't be done without good cause. I guess I'm just constantly trying to change something but you run out of things, don't you 💔 xxx

[Hoop123]

I'm so sorry to read this. I was watching out for your updates and really feel your pain 💔. The grief from these losses is so so raw and I just remember feeling outrageously angry, over it and numb on #4. And the unfairness! It's so so so unfair!!

I really hope it will be your time next time ❤️ Take care of yourself. And thank you again for all of the support you give to everyone on this forum! You've always got a kind word to say or a piece of advice and I know it is so appreciated. Xx

[AuroraXen in reply to Hoop123]

Yep. You just think 'this was number 4! If not now then when??' So disappointing 😞 Thanks for your kind words xx

[JOSANDY40]

I read something about people with food intolerance and autoimmune issues the gut doesn't work properly therefore the body doesn't take on all the correct amounts of Vits. As the body isn't running at 100% sperms count can be lower and pregnancies fail. People later in life who haven't had children finally show symptoms of Wheat and Lactose intolerance. Unfortunately many tests don't show up these problems and you maybe unaware that your gut isn't taking on all the necessary nutrition to make a baby.

[AuroraXen in reply to JOSANDY40]

I've heard this... might be something I should be doing! X

[RedFox23]

Thinking of you, I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked. This journey is so tough x

[AuroraXen in reply to RedFox23]

Thank you xx

[ClaireB24]

Oh love I’m so so sorry. It is such a horrible process to go through time and again. Please look after yourself and take some time to regroup xxx

[AuroraXen in reply to ClaireB24]

Thanks Claire xx

[Llizzie]

To be in this position and to be able to wish others well is a demonstration of extreme resilience and kindness. I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time. x

[AuroraXen in reply to Llizzie]

Thanks for your kind words Llizzie xx

[Millbanks]

I’m so sorry lovely 😔

This whole thing is just heartbreaking 💔

I 100% agree that it’s not a failure - it’s a loss. I felt each one of mine strongly.

I still think about our 9 embryos that didn’t make it and lucky number 10 that did.

Our final transfer that gave us our little one was with the ERA timing and steroids - I’m really hoping your next one is the one ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sending so much love to you today xxx

[AuroraXen in reply to Millbanks]

Thanks Millbanks. It gets to a point where you just think argh!! How many more times can this fail utterly 🤷‍♀️😔 xx

[Millbanks in reply to AuroraXen]

I know. But if you have the want to keep going there is every possibility that the next one will work!It never seems like it - but it might just be the one xx

[PinkPanther1234]

I'm so sorry hun 😔 I was really hoping this would be your time. I also agree it feels like a loss, especially after so much hard work and hope. Utterly heartbreaking 💔

Maybe take a break to just do some nice things and spoil yourself. That little frostie will be waiting for you whenever you are ready. Hopefully the next one will be your lucky transfer 🤞

Sending you lots of hugs xx

[AuroraXen in reply to PinkPanther1234]

Thanks Lovely. I just feel so impatient to close this current chapter, one way or another. Had to take 3 months out to do all the implantation tests and just want to transfer the last frostie from this batch and the device what we do. We'll try naturally this month I guess xx

[Rol81]

I am so so sorry, I was really hoping this was the one for you. Sending lots of love xxx

[Savvy_teapot]

Sending kind thoughts. 💜

[Hidden]

Balls, gutted for you to read this. Its about time you caught a break... sending you so much love and a HUGE hug xx

[AuroraXen in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Daisy. I'm really starting to think I'll never get there 😕 🤦‍♀️ xx

[sun-and-rain]

Oh, dear Aurora, I'm sorry! It's hard when hope is torn apart bit by bit like that. I absolutely understand that you don't put much faith in that last frostie of yours. But I think I remember that you were at church today... Am I right? I'd suggest that you involve a couple of the faithful female prayer worriors in your church to carry you through this period now after the loss and during next FET and 2ww. You know, they'll take care of the hoping and the believing, so you can just be. I myself did involve people from my church for my first ET ever back in 2017. Even though it ended in an early MC, I felt the support really important. But after having failed that first one, I kind of became indifferent to it all, so I almost didn't tell anyone for the next four ETs. All BFNs at OTD. For the 6th and last one I decided again to involve my prayer worriors, so I did, and that embryo which they told me could be fine or bad, they couldn't actually know as it was frozen the 4th day, that one stuck and gave me my son. When we now tried for a sibling, I also involved my prayer worriors. And as I started to bleed, which had not been any good sign before, and my hcg levels didn't double in 48 hours (but in 72 hours they did), I really couldn't help feeling worried and doubtful if it really could be possible that this one stuck at first try! But when one of these wonderful ladies was visiting us, she said to me, when I confessed my weak faith in this: "You're allowed to! It's your body! Leave the believing to us (pointing to my husband)!" And that gave me both hope and helped me relax in the situation and in my faith. I didn't have to produce anything. Just be and let God do his will, whatever it was. I knew there was nothing in my own will that could change the outcome. The beanie stuck, as you know. I'm currently 10w. I won't guarantee any outcome no matter who you decide to involve or not, and I'm certainly not God to tell why one succeeds and another doesn't. We do live in a fallen world where things just go wrong for no reason. But anyway, if it sticks or if it doesn't, you'll need to be carried, need to be cared for, need both the emotional and the spiritual support! It's always worse to try dealing with pain and stressful situations on your own. I'll be praying for you! Keep us posted ❤️

[AuroraXen in reply to sun-and-rain]

These words help a lot. Thank you so much for them and for trying to comfort me. Im so grateful 🙏💗 xx

[Krystal_43]

Sorry to hear this, I was really rooting for you. Take some time to heal & process. Xxxx

[hifer]

So so sorry to read this and I empathise totally with the feeling of loss. Please don’t underestimate your feelings though. Let yourself mourn this cycle before you move on xx

[Jrss1]

So sorry lovely, I have been where you are many times. Try to keep positive. I know it’s so hard but you still have one embryo left and this could be the one!! We are all going to get there we have to believe! Sending you love & hugs xx 😘

[XOXO13]

I’m so sorry to read this and I have felt everything you’re feeling now with my previous three unsuccessful transfers 💔 it isn’t a failure, it’s a loss and it’s okay to grieve that loss.

I really feel for me that steroids, blood thinners and increased progesterone was what helped my embabies stick for my fourth transfers.

Rooting for you, whatever comes next ❤️ Xx

[Applepie7]

Im so sorry to read this. I can completely relate to your post after so many set backs you do feel numb and it is just a horrible feeling and it is really sad when you feel this way after wanting something so badly. I hope you find some time for yourself before returning back to work. Sending you lots of love. Im thinking of you xxx

[Jana483]

How many fresh cycles did you have so far?I know exactly how you feel been through 4 failed transfers it's horrible!

I remember crying my eyes out the first time and by the fourth transfer I didn't even cry felt numb.

[AuroraXen in reply to Jana483]

I've had 4 fresh rounds, and 4 transfers. One frostie left. Numb is pretty much it. Thank you for posting xx

[NemoFish]

I’m so so sorry, I really do wish there was something I could write to make this better. I think you’re so strong for getting this far xx

[AuroraXen in reply to NemoFish]

Thanks Lovely xx

[Positivechangeplease]

I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked again. It’s so hard and I feel for you x

[AD2884]

I’m so sorry to read this. Sending love and hugs xx

[butterfliez]

I’m so sorry 😞 very upsetting to be going through another loss. Sending you strength xx

[Renk]

Sorry to read this. Always remember there is hope and a silver lining. Sending hugs

[Katiluna]

I'm so so sorry for your loss😔 Life is just not fair!Whatever I try to say here might not make you feel any better esp that the emotional pain is still raw. But I genuinely don't want you to loose hope as it's our biggest driving force. I'm sure it's quite tough to find strength being hit by one frustration after another. But looking back at your whole journey, after you have invested so much effort, time and money while nourishing it with lots of hope, you may not want to give up now and you may not want to feel that it's all wasted. And THAT only might give you a bit more strength to be willing to continue up to the point when you reach a positive outcome. Never say never! Sending you hugs and wishing you better luck on the rest of your journey xxx.

[Eternalwarrior]

I am so sorry to read this and for your loss 😢😢 It is so sad! Sending you a BIG hug and lots of strength and praying that the last embryo sticks xxxx

[LoveToGive]

You are the kindest and loveliest to send good thoughts to others while you are suffering. So sorry that this time did not work. It is really hard to focus on other things while you’re absolutely lost and empty on the inside. I just went through the same and I couldn’t sit or stand, eat or drink, I was in a fog. You’ll find that the pain lessens but the scars are still there. Sending you courage and love my friend. Xoxox

[AuroraXen in reply to LoveToGive]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm really sorry for your loss and pain too xx

[Betty08x]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It really is a loss and how you feel is completely justified. I hope as the days pass you start to feel better but also allow yourself time to grieve and heal. Thinking of you xxx

[Kmcdon]

Gutted for you. This is just so hard. I totally get the not even being upset, it’s just so much that you start to shut down. Sending lots of love and strength. Xx

[SK73]

So sorry to see this😔 sending you big hugs, it's so difficult. Look after yourself❤

[Roobs33]

I’m so sorry that it hasn’t worked out. Life can be so so unfair. Just wanted to say thinking of you and so sorry you have been through so much. Really hope that your Frostie will be the one. Keeping everything crossed for you and sending lots of hugs xxx

[Picalilli99]

So sorry to read about your latest bfn. I was really rooting for you and looking out for your update. I can really relate to the feelings you described. One bfn after the other really does just take its toll. Especially when you have tried new things which always helps to provide that little bit of extra hope I tended to find (throughout our repeated failed transfers). Every time is a loss. So take care of yourself lovely and give yourself the time needed to grieve this latest loss. Then when the time comes that you feel ready to try that last frostie we’ll all be rooting for you, hoping that is THE one. Big hugs ❤️ x

[Corchi]

Thinking of you and sending you such a big hug

[Sunnydays1111]

I’m so sorry to hear this, sending you lots of hugs.

I felt every word you said and I remember every second of how hard this journey is. Wishing you lot of luck for your last frosty. ❤️